


Too little Too Late

by TheUnwritten1219



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Banter, Drama & Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Forgive Me, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied Relationships, Isaiah "Zay" Babineaux & Maya Hart Friendship, Jealousy, Kissing, Lost Love, Male-Female Friendship, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Neck Kissing, New York City, Pregnancy, Rough Kissing, Strong Female Characters, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Wet Dream, college students
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 04:33:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 71,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17697725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUnwritten1219/pseuds/TheUnwritten1219
Summary: "I loved you In every possible way my heart could. I was pathetically in love with you. But you never cared. Ever. He does, Josh. He cares about me, and how I feel. Makes me feel beautiful. That's all I ever wanted from you. To feel wanted...You're too late... I'm sorry."OrIt's been 3 years since Josh and Maya have seen each other, can he redeem himself with her, or is it too late?XxXXXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXOriginal content located here https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11482606/1/Too-Little-Too-Late





	1. I Didn’t

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from Girl Meets world
> 
> Hello lovelies, who find solace in the work of obsessive fan girls and boys Ths is my first Fic. I just felt like there wasn't enough Josh x Maya stuff on fanfiction, so I thought "what the hell"
> 
> I totally accept constructive criticism. So if you want to give me your opinion just leave a review or send me a pm. OK enjoy!:D

She was gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. Of course she always had been, always looked like something pulled out from the pages of a teenaged boys fantasy. But the thing with her wasn't always about her looks, or the way she dressed. It was about that mind. That mouth, that appeared to have no filter. Those eyes that challenge your every word. Those eyes that you counted the seconds you were allowed to look into them for. If not you'd surely drown In them- you'd gladly drown in them. The way she held up her head despite all the negative things that ran through it. It was all these things and much, much more that made Maya Heart my biggest weakness.

It's been nearly four years since we last saw each other. Last spoke. Last fought. I Remember the last thing we said to each other, the way she wore her hair. I remember the color of the lip gloss she wore. The length of her hair. I wonder if it's longer now. Or if she actually cut it for once. I wondered if she was okay. If she forgave me? Forgot me? If she even thought about me anymore? Cared? I know I wouldn't if I were her, not one bit.

Flashback

"Uncle Josh!" Riley shrieked. A light chuckle escaped my lips as I looked up at her from my seat in whatever store we were in now, I stopped paying attention around forever21 and H&M. Maybe we were at that Demolition place.

"Yes, Riles?"

"Which do you think fit me better the pink one or the magenta?"

"Aren't they the same?"

"No!" She replied exasperated.

The pink is slightly longer and has a flowy trim, while the magenta is shorter with a poofier skirt, tight around the middle, with a silver lining! "

" umm-..." I started, trying to remember how they fit her.

"I told her the magenta, it shorter for her legs, without the sluty factor, and her breast look slightly larger in a tasteful way" Maya shouted from the dressing room, making Riley's' face beet red. I couldn't hold my blush either, feeling embarrassed for her. I cleared my throat, and looked at my niece.

"Is it comfortable at least?" I asked trying to be a responsible uncle.

"Which one?" She asked

"The one you really want" I was hardly paying attention as they tried on dress after dress. So I couldn't really recall which one fit her best or the expression she held as she saw herself wear them, but I could tell which one she described with most detail, meaning she paid the most attention to it.

"Which one do I really want, Uncle Josh?"

Giving her a pointed look I took the pink one from her hands, her face slightly falling.

"The pink one it is then" she said, before smiling as I hung it on the nearest rack.

"Okay, okay. Now that that's settled. Which one should I get. Maya walked out in an elegant cremé, floor length dress. There was a slight slit rising to her soft pale thigh. The sleeves just barely reaching t-shirt length as it drifted down. My gaze found the tantalizing curve of her collarbone lowering my eyes to forbidden territory.

"what do ya think?" She asked, twirling in front of us.

Did she look like this in all of them? I internally scolded myself for missing an opportunity to stare at her, without consequences.

My breath caught in my throat as she turned her gaze to me. Raising her eyebrows. Challenging me.

She's so beautiful- Stop it Josh! She's three years younger you!

"You look... nice"

"Just...nice?" Maya's eyes fell to to the material in her hands then at herself in the mirror.

"Uh y-yeah. You look real... nice" I swallowed the lump in my throat quickly taking my phone from my pocket, pretending my attention was elsewhere. Any trace of the smile she held as she walked towards me- err, towards me and Riley, was gone now.

My ears perked up as I heard my name coming from the dressing room my niece and her stunning best friend just disappeared into.

"Don't listen to uncle Josh. It looks exceptional on you, Maya"

"He doesn't think so" Maya said in a matter fact tone.

"So you're not gonna get it, just 'cause his compliment was weak?"

"If he thinks I look ugly in it someone else will too, don't get me wrong I don't give a shit what people think of me, I just want the last version of me they see walking to get that diploma being the best one I can look like."

"Maya..." Riley started.

"Riles, I just want all those asswhole's who said I wouldn't make it, see that I did, and look fucking amazing while I do " I could hear her laugh, but it wasn't her usual lighthearted laugh. And it was my fault. And the both of us knew it.

"Hey, don't pout, peaches. I'll get the violet one it's better than just nice" I could see her smile in my head. I knew it wasn't the one she wore as she walked out here.

"Nice isn't a bad compliment, Maya"

"Nice is what you say when someone looks like crap and you don't want them to feel as bad as they look" I heard Riley sigh, knowing just as well as I did that she wouldn't win against Maya.

They walked out three minutes later, arms linked and talking about God knows what. Riley stood on line, ready to purchase her dress, while Maya walked away to put the long cremé dress away.

I don't really remember very clearly when I decided to follow her, I just know I did.

"Maya" I said grabbing her pale wrist.

She's so soft... is all of her this soft?! STOP IT JOSH! FOCUS!

"Get the dress" She just smiled at me.

"No" never saying the things I expect.

"Get the dress, Maya" I said pointedly.

"Why should I, uncle Boing?" Her grin widening the longer we stared at one another.

"Because it looks very nice on you. And I can tell that you love it." She shook her head.

"Hmmm...Nope" Her lips curly in that cute mischievous way only she could do, shaking her mess of curls from side to side. "That's not why. What is it, Josh? You wouldn't want me to just look nice, would you? You want me to flaunt my stuff, don't you?" She said with childlike humor. Bumping her hip into the air. Doing things to me that definitely shouldn't be happening.

Her eyes opened wide, with innocence you wouldn't think she had.

" I'm kidding, Josh... I just don't want to look nice. I want to look beautiful for one night. Feel as beautiful as the dress makes me look, you know. I do like the dress."

You're always beautiful. I wish you would see that.

"But if the guy I want to impress just thinks it's nice." She smiled gesturing to me. "Then I don't want it." She turned to put it back.

I exhaled deeply, probably seeming annoyed to her, but just trying to calm down my nerves.

"You shouldn't be trying to impress me, Maya."

It's working too well

"Why do you fight it?" She asks.

Because you're too young for me. Because I'm not good enough for you. Because it's wrong.

" I'm not fighting anything, Maya. The dress fits you amazing. I only said nice, because if I said anything else you would have taken it the wrong way. Buy the dress Maya, do it to impress someone your own age. Who you can actually be with." It was harsh. Yes I know but, I figured the harsher, the more she'll begin to understand.

Her eyes turned hard, and I tried to look away, but they were so fierce so strong... so beautiful, I just couldn't. She held the dress tightly in her hands.

"One day I won't be an option anymore, Josh. One day you'll push me away too hard. And I won't get back up looking for you"

She turned and walked to the checkout., as I stared after her.

...

"What made you decide to get the dress after all? " Riley suddenly asked as we neared Corey and Topanga's door.

" 'cause I like it" Maya smiled at my niece, stopping by the door, telling Riley she wanted to talk to me for a minute.

"What Maya?" I asked rubbing the back of my neck as we stood in front of each other. "You never told me what it was you really thought of the dress"

"Really,Maya?"

She bit her lip shyly. Taking me completely by surprise. I was in total awe. I didn't didn't mean to do it. Really. I didn't. But I... just did.

Her lips tasted like fresh strawberries from the smoothie she had at the mall. Her soft lips were moving just as fast as mine were from the moment they met. I was drowning in a ocean of Maya Hart, finding myself praying for a moment longer to endure this magical torture.

Just one more second, God. Please. Let me have her for one second more.

My tongue met hers in a frenzie, as if life was just barely away from obliterating.

One more second, please.

Eventually air became a necessity and we pulled away. Her hands still tangled in my hair. Bennie long forgotten on the floor. My hands at her hips where they held her as close to me as I could get her without causing her pain.

I moved my body about 3 feet away from her, suddenly cold at the loss of contact.

She grinned happily. Looking absolutely breathless and stunning. Her fingers trembling as the lightly touched where mine just were.

"I knew you felt the same",in that moment my world went crashing down around me. She was only 18. Her life was literally just starting. I'm was 21 years old. It was wrong. It doesn't matter how right it feels. Or how completely fantastic she tasted. God, that kiss. But she was 3 years younger than me it wouldn't have been fair to her. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO!?

"That was a mistake" I whispered.

"...w-What?"

"That shouldn't have happened"

"B-but it did ,Josh. And you know you felt it too. You just had t-"

"No, Maya. I don't feel anything" I seethed through my teeth. Desperate to finish the lies I had to tell this gorgeous angel in from of me. "I'm sorry but i'm just gonna have to be blunt with you. You just won't grasp that I don't want to be with you. You need to stop obsessing over me. It needs to stop" She stared at me with wide blue eyes, and I nearly fell at the pain I saw in them. But I didn't stop.

"B-but that kiss-"

" Was to show you there's nothing between us. You shouldn't try to impress me, cause you can't. I'm sorry. I really am. I care about you. You're my nieces best friend. But you're just a kid, Maya." I hated myself then. Knowing how she felt about being seen as a child.

" I want a woman who's strong, independent and beautiful." I watched her flinch at my words, not knowing I was describing her, and my heart cried out in agony.

STOP! STOP IT, PLEASE! We're hurting her. She'll never forgive us! PLEASE!

But I didn't.

"You need to get over this crush, because it's not gonna happen. Not with me... I'm sorry." And for the first time in my life I saw Maya Hart cry. Silent tears that burned me as I looked her. I took that magnificent smile away and replaced it with this.

"I'm sorry too, Josh." She whispered, before going inside.

End of Flashback

Back then, I thought that was what I was supposed to do, now... Now I know.

I should have loved her. Should've shown her what she meant to me…

But i didn't.


	2. Get out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Girl Meets World or any of the characters
> 
> Hey lovlies! Those comments were soooo sweet :D. Thank you guys. Feel free to give me your opinions whether their super sweet or just plain fucked up, either way it motivates me.
> 
> Okay, that's it! Enjoy!
> 
> ~Geni

Maya's POV

Have you ever had that person, you would do absolutely anything for? Make yourself look like an idiot, just to impress them. Would give up your Everything; your whole world for them, when they wouldn't sacrifice an hour of theirs for you?

He was sinfully alluring in every possible than beautiful. More than amazing. He was everything I always wanted to be apart of. He was love. Of course he hadn't always been a teenaged girl's wet dream come to life.

He was lanky as a kid. Lips too big for his face, long shaggy hair, braces. Once he turned thirteen, he built up muscle and got a haircut, his lips started to look more natural, and got his braces removed. But how he looked was really just a perk. It didn't really matter to me how he wore his hair, or what color his bennie was. I knew him before he was thirteen. Before he became 'The Joshua Matthews'.

It was how he ditched his friends to play hide and go seek with me and Riley when we were eight and he was eleven. How family always came first for him. How when he loved, it was overwhelming. How he made you feel as if every second in life happened in order for your eyes to meet...There was so many things that resulted in my immutable love for Joshua Matthews. To even attempt at listing them all would be pointless. I loved him. That simple.

I knew I was in love with him when I was seven years old. I don't remember exactly when it was I fell in love with him. I just remember waking up one morning and… knowing.

It felt like I was being dropped from a plane. His eyes, his breath, his words… They were my parachute. The way he made me feel was what kept me from hitting the ground. The thing was… Everything he did made me feel. I just never anticipated that, that would be what hurled me down to the pavement

So many damn things made that man my largest weakness. (A/N: Hehe, they're each other's weaknesses)But there was only one thing that made him my biggest mistake.

The last time I saw Joshua Matthews, he ripped my heart right out from my chest. He took a piece of myself I can never get back….He took that feeling away. Took away my ability to fly, and I was left to recover, drowning in my own pool of blood, as I attempted to treat my wounds.

And for the actual first time; the way he made me feel didn't result in my impossible flight, it ended with my meeting of the rough sidewalk.

But I was to blame. He warned me from the beginning. He told me from the start that it just wouldn't happened. It was never really about the age difference. It was because of me. Because I wasn't what he wanted, despite him being the only thing I did want.

After graduation my goal in life was to avoid the mistakes I committed in high school.

I threw myself into collage. Into my art. And I found solace in them.

There wasn't anyone I could turn to. So I turned to, well… me. I had no one who knew what it felt like to be irrevocably in love with someone who could hardly tolerate you.

I never told Riley about my and Josh's kiss. Or what he said to me that day. I rejected the whole subject of Josh Matthews in general. I avoided hearing his name, as well as I refrained from saying it. I spent the last three and a half years trying to force myself to hate him. But I know I can't blame him for not wanting me. And I can't turn his family against him for telling me the truth. But despite all of that, despite the fact that it wasn't his fault, it still hurt like hell.

And besides all of these things! My stomach still flips at the possibility of seeing him in seven short hours. Knowing we'll be in the same room, after so many years of meticulously avoiding one another.

My cheeks still turn pink as I remember that kiss. And all the pain and longing rushes over me. Engulfing me like a long lost friend. Feeling the tears graze my eyes I shut them tightly, willing them not to exist.

And the guilt in my heart twists wretchedly as I hold his hand. Knowing with all certainty it would never feel as amazing as it would be if Josh were the one holding onto me. I know I can never love another person to that extent. Anyone. Even Josh Matthews.

There wasn't enough left in me to love him or anyone like that ever again.

{}

Next day

I had forgotten how absolutely fucking amazing the guest bed was. I spent most breaks here, much like Riley, but for the last three breaks Josh has been coming to spend the free days off from school with his older brother and his family, so naturally, I spent my last few breaks talking to mom and Shawn on the phone, as well as texting Riley, (in another attempt at avoiding someone who probably doesn't even want to talk to me anyway) and painting my life away until classes started up again.

But God this thing was like a cloud.

I groaned loudly, looking at the clock on the nightstand.

9:27 stared back at me in block red characters.

"Hey, Gorgeous"

I jumped up quickly, throwing a hand to my heart. My eyes meeting the eyes of the first man I ever loved. My heart sped up, at a rate that was define try not healthy.

"What are you doing here, Josh?" He bit his lip in a way, that had it been three years ago I would've jumped on his back at the sight of it.

"I, um. I...um" his eyes never left mine and I felt exposed under his gaze.

God, what is he doing to me?

"Josh..." He cleared his throat, looking down to study his worn out chucks, "Riley said you were coming down, and I..." He breathed harshly looking back up at me with some kind of desperation. " Riley said you came into town and I... wanted to see you" He admitted honestly.

I let go of the breath I wasn't aware I was holding. "Well, you saw me." I said curtly. Pulling the covers off of me and going to open the door. "Goodbye"

"Wait! Maya, please. Just... talk with me."

I kept my eyes trained on the doorknob, despite the aching want in me to look into his clear hazel orbs.

"Look at me! Please! I'm sorry, okay? How many years are gonna pass before I'm allowed to have you in my life again?" The desperate look back in his eyes, creeping through his voice.

I felt my eyes flash fiercely. "You had plenty of opportunities to have me be apart of your life, Joshua Matthews! How dare you? I'll take how many years I damn well please"

He walked closer to me, wavering as he took the first glimpse of my attire, or more like my lack there of. Standing in all my 5"2 height, in my plain wife beater and my underwear.

"Josh, we can never be how we used to." My voice much more calm." There can't be any sort of relationship with me."

It's just too hard... Hurts too much.

"We're both better off this way" His head jerked to the right.

"I'm so sorry, Maya. I-"

"All you did was tell me the truth, Josh. That hardly merits penalization" I interrupted.

"I didn't mean to say all those things to you, Maya..." He started, shaking his head searching for the right words. " My intentions were good, I swear. I just wanted what was best for you. You were so infatuated, you were clouding your own judgment-" I shook my head in disbelief, staring at him despite myself. How dare he?!

HOW FUCKING DARE HE!

Josh never was able to understand the extent-the weight- of affections I had held for him. And there was nothing that pissed me off more than when someone underestimated anything about me. Especially the unwavering feeling I had for the man in front of me. Be it hate or love. I felt with every ounce of soul I had in me... He never understood that... And he never would.

He'd never understand me.

My heart, locked in its steel box within my chest, yelled in agony and frustration. Knowing it took effort to understand another. Knowing he never tried to.

And I exploded.

"Fuck you, Joshua Matthews. Fuck you and your morals." I moved closer to him not caring that all I had on was an oversized wife beater that barely covered my ass. He continued to underplay my affections. Continued to see me as so naive I can't tell the difference between love and a crush.

"You destroyed me that day, Josh! You held my heart in your hands, you saw how damaged it was as it is, and decided to screw it all to hell and destroy me. But no, you "had good intentions". You're not my father, Josh. You have no say in my decisions or in my judgment. Hell, he doesn't either. Last time I fucking check my name was Maya Hart, not my father, not your brother, not Riley. No one else. Me. Certainly not you!" My tears fell effortlessly as my tattered heart pounded in its confinements, breaking free. Letting me bleed. Showing him what he did.

"I loved you!" I yelled with everything left inside me. And I didn't stop. "So fucking much, it hurt to breathe. My world revolved around every word you every fucking said! And time after time you would look me in the eyes and tell me that it wasn't real. That I was delusional." My eyes were glued to his. And I refused to look away. "Was I imagining every night I stared out the window sobbing my heart out because the man who I would have killed for, hated me! Thought me pathetic." I spat. "Did I imagine, yelling at God for not taking away the pain, for having me be so in love with a man so completely blind, he let me go? A man who wouldn't care about me if I were dying right there in front of him. Cause I was being murder by the words you threw my way, Josh." My voice came lower now. Broken. "And you stood there, watching as my world fell apart at your hands."

"Maya, don't say that! I do care, so mu-"

"Get out" I whispered. The water in his eyes became much more apparent as he reached out for my hands. Clasping them in his.

"No! Please. Please, Maya. No. It hurts t-"

His tears now freely flowing down his face.

"Go to hell" I said darkly. He knew nothing of the pain I went through. That hurt too much.

He didn't move. Standing there staring at me helplessly.

"GET OUT,JOSH! GET OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT" I shouted as I shoved him out of the room. Locking the door in front of me before my legs gave up from under me. My sobs becoming louder and louder as the seconds moved on, probably carrying all throughout the old Manhattan apartment.

Guilt twisted its way into my stomach once again. What if they take my side. Riley will. I know that for sure, but what about everyone else? I can't let this wonderful family drift or waver because of me... I don't know what to do. What to say. I'm gonna walk out into a room of people who I have known them to be my family, with curious gazes and questions, that when answered, make them choose between blood or... me.

What am I going to do?


	3. Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own "Girl meets world" or any of the characters.
> 
> Okay lovelies lets get on with this shit!
> 
> Tell me if you like. Tell me if you don't. Enjoy!
> 
> ~Geni

Josh's POV

My breath was coming in gasps as I pushed through my brothers living room. Ignoring the looks they all threw my way.

Ugh!

What am I doing? What was I expecting? For her to the fling herself into my arms in an earth shattering embrace?

She looked so beautiful. Her hair a rat's nest of curls and tangles, but still beautiful. Her eyes were puffy from sleep, lips puffy and... pink.

Really not the time, Josh!

"Oh God. Oh God. Oh God" I whispered, desperately as I exited the building. My fears were confirmed in the worst way. I could see her heart rattling through her eyes. Completely held together for the people around her, but hideously shattered on the inside. And I'm the one who practically body slammed her into the pit less abyss of agony and memory of why she was tumbling down this never ending basin of heartache. And my face was pasted to the walls of those memories. A fake smile tainted with the lies she still believes.

I've never wanted something to go away so bad in my entire life. I want that look to disappear. I want those big innocent eyes that shined back at me after our first kiss. Not the empty un-trusting ones that showed all their suffering and heartbreak.

I don't want this Maya Hart. The girl silently crying in the room that was basically her own. I want this Maya Hart to never have existed. I want the Maya who would look up at me with faint faith and trust. As if I was the answer to all her problems. As if I could have made them go away. All i had to do was reach out. Grab her hand. I let her fall. I have never been the answer to any of her problems, all I ever did was cause them.

"Josh, we can never be how we used to." her voice echoed through my ears.

" I miss you, Maya." I whispered

Bright, intoxicating pools of liquid blue. Her eyes stared at me through memories. Fierce passion and breakneck strength. There was a series of times that Maya Hart would drown me in those wide eyes of hers. And every time I would pull myself out, I'd ask the same question. And Maya with wild penetrating eyes would answer, just as she she always did.

Flashback

August, 27 2017

"Hey, Uncle Boing!" Seventeen year old Maya Hart shouted, as she ran into the Mathews apartment. Bare footed and wearing nothing but a bikini top, and shorts. He chuckled to himself as he heard her bare feet fall heavily on her journey to his niece's room.

"GET UP RIGHT NOW, RILEY MATTHEWS!"

"NO! GO AWAY"

"Whats going on?" his older brother questioned as he walked out of his room. Hair askew, and harsh pink imprints embedded from his pillow. Clearly annoyed for being awakened at 7 am on a Saturday.

Josh furrowed his eyebrows, wondering the same thing himself, "I don't know, but i'll find out" He rose up from the couch, moving to where the small blonde stood. Pounding on her friends door relentlessly.

"Riley…" Maya trailed off frustrated, " It was just a fight. He'll be back crawling on his hands and knees in no time, just like he always does." Suddenly the door swung open, revealing a red eyed Riley. Hair standing every which way, similar as to how her father's' looked moments ago(except of course for it being much longer). Josh's' slight amusement was short lived as he looked at his niece. He frowned, walking forward to intervene.

"He kissed you, Maya" Josh's frown deepened, and for some reason, didn't move any closer to the oblivious teens. He couldn't seem to figure out why, but he didn't want them to know he was listening. Josh could tell she wasn't upset with Maya in this situation, and from what he could gather so could Maya.

"Riley, it was on my cheek, and Lucas was drunk" Maya said quietly, to assure no one could hear.

"He was aiming for your mouth, Maya!" Riley whisper-yelled, wiping away more tears.

Josh instantly saw red. Not for the reasons one might assume. Relief overthrew him when Maya cleared up the 'kiss' situation. It was the fact that Riley was hurting about her boyfriend, and Maya was the one that was trying to fix it for him.

"Riley," Maya smiled. "he didn't kiss me. Even if he had, fuck him" Her grin grew, making Riley give her a face. "Listen to me, Honey. That boy is head over heels in love with you. And is currently crying his Texan little eyes out, because he thinks and has" The blonde emphasized, moving her neck in a circular motion, obviously trying to put a smile on her distressed friends' face, and succeeding "Royally fucked up, with one of the most amazing girls in the whole world. Not to mention making my best friend cry" Riley chuckled at that.

"What are you laughing about? I'm serious!" Maya grinned. " I've already slashed his tires and drew, explicitly detailed penises all over his car." She said with her signature evil smirk.

"In paint, in marker, spray paint, you name it baby, I used it" she said proudly with a wink, counting off with her fingers. " I even wen't as far as keying a few small 'Texan whore's" on his doors" And despite Riley's' good girl demeanor she pulled her friend into a tight hung, and whispered so lightly, Josh could hardly hear her murmur "I really do love you"

Maya laughed beautifully, in a way that made Josh's stomach drop. "And I love you more" The shorter girl sighed. "What are sisters for?"

"Now get your ass dressed. You are not going to be in this place today or tonight" Maya told her, pulling away. Riley's eyebrows furrowed, silently asking;"why?"

"Because, you will not be here when Lucas comes over to apologize. You'll be with me." The smaller girl said bluntly, "At the beach. Where there will be a variety of the male species that we will be taking selfies with, and posting all over social media. So he can see how easily he can lose this amazing girl" She pushed her dark haired best friend, into said friends room, encouraging her to get her bathing-suit on.

"WEAR SOMETHING SEXY!"

"MAYA" Corey shouted from somewhere in the apartment.

Maya then walked to the living room, grinning, as she saw Josh scurry back to where he sat before.

"Isn't there some kind of saying about eavesdroppers?" She mocked.

"It's no problem. I know you can't resist the sound of my voice. It's a mutual feeling, really" her smirk soften, and he could see the sincerity in the last bit of what she was telling him. He found himself drowning in the different shades of blues that looked back at him, small bits of her fire still present. Obviously still on her high of vehicular vandalism.

Jagged breaths left his mouth, "Why are you staring at me like that?" he asked her, For a moment frightened that he may have offended her, but soon seeing a sweet smile, answering as she always did.

"Later" she said slowly and softly, sitting beside him, her breast bouncing with her movements. He willed his eyes not to drop to the delicate contours of her breast.

"When's later gonna actually come ,Maya?" he heard himself ask, not really paying complete concentration on their conversation. Trying harder on restraining his eyes from traveling lower than her cute button nose, to her seductive collarbone, lower still to those magnificent breast, to the toned flesh of her pale abdomen and, barley exposed hips, where he saw the peaks of red bathing-suit bottoms.

she laughed, "when it's later"

"Okay i'm ready!" Riley said, entering the room, in a see through beach dress thingy over her two piece. A smile actually gracing her lips. Josh knew that Maya was the reason for that. And in that moment her knew why he loved her.

Maya Hart was more than just a fierce spirit with a beautiful face. She was a women with a strength that she developed at too young an age for all the wrong reasons. She was a women who gave all she could for the ones she loved because growing up she she didn't get enough of it, and will do everything she can to give every last ounce of love that she possess back to those she holds dear. He realized he loved her because there's no other person he could love as much as Maya Hart. There just wasn't. And that was what it was; that she was the only person who could ever make him feel so much passion, every ounce of affection she displayed towards him, revealed a placement he had in her heart. And it made him want to to love her. Despite his desperate need not to. She was love, and-to him- love is all you need in life.

And in that moment, more than he did when he first realized he loved her when he was 11 and she was just turning 9, he wished this wasn't just an infatuation for her, but prayed desperately that it was. Because she was worth so much more than him.

Mayas wolf whistled broke him from his thoughts.

"Well, aren't you just drop dead gorgeous,! Let's go show your man, there are others out there that can sweep you away" Bouncing off the couch, slipping on a pair of Riley's flipflops and grabbing a bag from her friends hands, filled with towels and other beach essentials.

He smiled at them as they left , waving at him and shouting a goodbye to his brother. His smile dropping when the door slammed close. He knew why. Because while by next week Lucas and Riley would be good as new...Together...In love. He would be lying alone staring up at the ceiling in his dorm, praying that there won't be another who will be able to "sweep" Maya away from him. Even if she did deserve it.

July,22, 2018

"Why're looking at me like that?"

Biting her lip, while somehow smiling widely. He knew what she was gonna say, what she always said.

"If you don't know now, you will later"

"Maya..." Josh would say in a 'just-answer me' tone.

"Later" she would say, getting up. "Later"

"Maya..." he'd start, ready for his infamous 3 year gap lecture he knew by heart now.

Maya recognized that tone and decided today was not a day she felt like succumbing to the ever present dull ache that acquainted her heart when he spoke in that voice. The one that confirmed fears she refused to accept. So she just said "Later"

"Why later, Maya!? You've been saying later since you were 15! Why can't you just tell me?"

"Because if I tell you, then it's over. If you figure it out…"

"That makes zero sense, Maya"

She sighed heavily. "Josh, Have you ever heard the quote 'it always gets better in the end. If it's not better, it's not the end.'?"

She didn't wait for him to respond, giving him an answer to a question that's been pending for years; "Because there's hope in later, Josh"

End of Flashbacks

"Later" I found myself grumbling. She was telling me I'd look at her like that one day. And it would be love. Then I would know...I had already known what I felt.

Why was it that for all those years, the sun rose and set on me, for her? Why did she believe even for a second that I could deserve her.

I'll find a way to be worthy enough to be with her. This time i'll try until I die.

"Did I imagine, yelling at God for not taking away the pain, for having me be so in love with a man so completely blind, he let me go? "

"I did let you go, Maya Hart. But i'll be damned if I allow that to happen again" I wiped the last of my tears away, thinking securely to myself.

"There's hope in later"

God, I love you, Maya. I swear to you I love you. I swear...I swear you'll love me too... 

Later...


	4. The Truth Is...

Maya's POV

If there's one thing aside from family that I thrived for growing up; it was honesty. Lies tainted my childhood, and cluttered my teenage years more than I wished to reminisce about. When Josh told me he didn't mean any of the things he said to me all those years ago, I hated him for the first time in my life. The day Josh told me he didn't want me, annihilated my heart. But It assured my brain. I never hated him for telling me the truth. But today he lied to me. He tried to take away that assurance. Sell me pretty words to make up for the guilt he felt. And I resented him for that.

"Maya? Honey, it's Topanga" A light knock filled the room.

"And Riley!"

I wiped away the tears desperately, but I couldn't stop more from falling over. He was right there. Right in front of me. Giving me false hope with gorgeous packaging. And it hurt so much. I wanted to except him so badly. So desperately. It shouldn't hurt this much anymore. I shouldn't feel anything for him anymore.

"Come in" I croaked. Knowing Riley and Topanga weren't a force to be reckoned with seperate, imagine together.

The door burst open-quite dramatically.

"What the hell was that about!?" Riley all but yelled following suit to her mother.

"Nothing"

"Maya," Topanga started, "You need to tell us what that was all about" I sighed, readying myself for the tears to come.

"Before i made my decision on which college I would go to." I shut my eyes, struggling to force the memory from my mind. "It was actually the day we bought our graduation dresses" I said looking up to Riley, who now sat beside me on my bed.

"Jo-Me and." I never really told anyone what happened- sober anyway- between Josh and I. Saying it out-loud made it all the more real.

"Josh and I kissed" I ignored Riley's quiet intake of breath.

Topanga moved forward to sit on the other side of me, brushing my stray hairs away from my face.

"We kissed and it was the most incredible kiss I ever shared. I felt every cell in my body light on fire. We were so close… If we had tried to get any closer we would have been one person...then" I spoke as strongly as I could with the rush of all the emotions I usually don't allow myself to dwell on consumed me completely.

"That was a mistake, Maya" I quoted, "I don't feel anything for you, Maya... You just don't grasp that I don't want to be with you… " i put my hands in my hair, pulling at the strands. "You're just a kid… I want a woman who's strong, independent and beautiful" I looked at Riley and her mother. I could see them struggling to see Josh speak so harshly.

Silence covered the room awkwardly for several minutes before Riley spoke.

"...We could key his car!" she said enthusiastically, looking absolutely serious.

"Riley!" Topanga yelled with disapproval as I let out a choked laugh.

"He sold his car. We could sneak into his apartment and put dye in his shampoo!"

"oh oh! While we're at it we can cut holes in all his beanies" Riley added.

I smiled largely, holding one of each woman's hands.

"I love you guys, you know that?" I spoke meekly.

"Of course, Maya. You're just as much apart of this family than he is"

I just looked up at her silently thanking her with my bloodshot eyes.

"Maya, you are the bravest most passionate girls I know. You have dealt with more disappointments than most people at my age have had to go through. And Josh is an idiot, if he thinks there is someone out there stronger or more beautiful or more self ruling than you" She brought her hands forwards to wipe away my tears.

"Don't waste your tears on someone who doesn't deserve them. I love Josh, Maya. And I love you, like if you were another daughter. I watched grow up, and I watched as you fell in love with that boy, and if i had thought for a second that he would be one that would've hurt you, I would have stopped it. But I didn't know, Maya… I'm sorry, Sweetie." Topanga plead. Asking me for forgiveness, as if it were her fault that my heart fell too hard for someone who watched it shatter.

"You didn't do anything wrong" I whispered.

"We weren't there when the wound was fresh. You needed us, Maya. And we weren't paying enough attention to see the signs. I'm your best friend, I spent that whole summer with you, and I never knew"

"I hid it well" I laughed humorlessly, " I just need you guys now. I don't want to be that pathetic girl he saw. I want to be the girl you see me as Topanga. Because that the person you raised me to be."

"We can stay by you Maya and be there for you. But we can't stop you from loving someone"

"I don't love him anymore" I said quickly.

"I just forget...Who I am, what he did- how he did it! And I don't want to. I refuse to."

"We'll be right here for you, Maya." Riley spoke gently, both of them squeezing my hands in unison. And in that moment I felt the most love and security I've felt since I left for college.

{}

Topanga and Corey spoke in hushed voices several hours after mine and Riley and Topanga's little talk. I knew she was speaking to him about what has occured between Josh and I. It didn't bother me. 'cause as Topanga treated me like a daughter, so did Corey.

We were all preparing the apartment for the lot of guest that were soon to arrive. I wasn't really sure who was coming over. Today, anyway.

Next week a bunch of people were coming to some fancy restaurant down on the lower east side with our family. Lucas was planning on asking Riley to marry him next Thursday. Bring her to the skating rink they went to on their one year anniversary and Riley broke her first bone. The weird little klutz was so excited to get a cast, and Lucas brought her every year to relive the memories and make fun of laughing-gas-Riley.

Guilt wrenched into my belly because she's going to be so happy and I was just sloshing through the motions. Don't get me wrong i was happy for my best friend-for the both of them- I just… Want… what they have...

"IT'S EVA!" A petite little blond girl yelled as she swung the door open suddenly.

"Eva!" Auggie ran from his room and swung her body around, "I thought you didn't get back for another week?" He asked in his newly found deep voice.

Eva was always kind of a meager person, but with Auggie she wasn't as high maintenance. Oh, the high maintenance-ness was still there. But the care she had for him overthrew it.

"HEY GUYS!" She said casually, and Jesus! This girl is abnormally loud. I nearly died laughing as I heard Topanga grumble Eva's name with slight distaste.

"Howdy, Miss Hart!" someone yelled in my direction.

"HUCKLEBERRY!" I all but shrieked as I ran in Lucas's direction.

"Shortstack!" He shouted back wrapping his big arms around my small frame.

"I've missed you Ranger Rick" I spoke quietly. Lucas and I grew closer to siblings than bickering half-friends once we got to highschool. He still held up his 'big brother' attitude; checking up on me regularly, although I lived so far away and usually too busy to call anyone other than Riley and my mom and sean ( By this point in their relationship they somehow morphed into one person). We kept in touch like a brother and sister should.

"Riley tells me you finally got a new car. Was my art not good enough, or something" I smirked.

"Well, M. After nearly five years with 'Texan whore' scratched onto my doors, i think it's time for a change. We all laughed loudly remembering his face when he saw it (It's not like I had it recorded his reaction or anything) (A/N: she did ;p)

"What, no hug for The Farkle?" I heard another familiar voice say in mock-exasperation.

"Holy shit! Farkle!" Everyone turned in the direction of the door, wide eyed and clearly excited.

It had been a full years since any of us saw Farkle. A year after graduation he got married and went off to some expedition that required limited outside interactions. Meaning we only got calls or visits' on holidays and birthdays.

I squeezed his sides tightly before letting everyone else greet him as well.

I really didn't notice how much I missed my friends. Instantly feeling guilty for making them reach out to me instead of vise versa.

"How are you, Maya?" He smirked his Farkle smirk as him and Riley finished hugging.

"I'm fine" I smiled brightly as we all migrated to the living room. Now I am. With all of you.

"How's the missus?" I asked, "Still brainwashing her into being with you?" I looked down at his ring, placed securely on his left hand ring finger.

Farkle sighed, trying to hide his smile. Sometimes I wondered if he had brainwashed someone in the past, and he was just remembering when he smiles at this constant joke.

"I assure you Smakle is doing very well."

"She won't pick up any of my phone calls, is something wrong with her cell?" Riley randomly yelled from the kitchen.

"I think she's gravid" He responded, though he looked as if he were speaking to the whole room rather than to just Riley.

Gravid must mean sick or something. Must of us just guested around his words, finding terms that fit the context.

"Oh my God, Farkle!" Topanga finally spoke bringing the lanky boy up and hugging him tightly. I was confused. As I looked around the room so were Corey, Riley, Auggie and Lucas. ( Eva was playing with her nails)

"Umm. Perhaps in English?" I asked sarcastically.

"Pregnant!" Topanga cried.

"Oh my God"'s ran throughout the room. Everyone making their way back to Farkle.

I sat frozen for a moment before I eventually regained control over my legs and face. Before anyone took notice in my frown, I smiled brightly and brought him into another hug, congratulating him wholeheartedly.

Farkle and Smakle were gonna have a kid.

Lucas was planning on proposing to Riley.

Auggie and Ava were nearing their 2 years officially dating ( not counting their childhood years)

And I was…

"I'm not completely sure if she is gravid. It just seems as so. Her emotions have been amusingly scattered and her stomach seems to upset her enough. I mean, she's not excessively vomiting but it tends to bother her more often than usual." He began to smile softly, staring off into space. " And she looks even more beautiful than usual. Don't they say Pregnant women glow?" He asked. We all laughed at his blissed-out expression. I've never seen him so happy.

"Yeah, Farkle they glow" Lucas spoke. Pating his bud on the back. He then looked at Riley and I suddenly remembered why I decided to go so far away for school.

I shut my eyes tightly, trying hopelessly to keep Josh's big hazel eyes from my mind. Demanding my brain not to think of all the times I got lost in his eyes. All those times I was sure there was love staring back at me, despite the things he would say about our ages. Their was so much love surrounding me, and while it should have made me feel happy, it just battered up my heart further. Because i knew then as I know now. I won't be loved that way, or love another enough for them to love me the way my family loved each other. The way Riley breathed to the rhythm of Lucas's heart. How Corey hung on every word Topanga said. How Farkle nearly worshiped Smakle, and would soon their child.

And as much as i tried to lie to myself, the truth is I don't desire to resent my wonderfully weird family for loving in a way i'll never achieve again… And it hurt so bad.

"Well, lets go out for a drink and celebrate!" I suggested, needing the excuse for alcohol.

"I'm down" Responded Lucas, and everyone else nodded along.

Thank God

{}

After my 5th shot the words were tumbling out of my mouth like water. And the Anger began to come in waves. It was just me, Riley and Topanga left. Everyone else had left close to an hour ago due to personal reasons like; work (Lucas); Be with their wife that may or may not be "Gravid" (Farkle) Be with their fourteen year old son who was alone with his girlfriend at home (Corey).

"Maya" Riley slurred, much more drunk than I felt.

"Yeah?"

"You love him"

"No I don't, Riley", I mumbled. But everything just sounded like I was underwater. I'm not even sure it sounded like anything. I don't want to think. Especially about what Riley was starting.

"You'vve alwayz loved him. Siincce beefor We eben kneww wahat love wass" I breathed deeply. Alcohol, for some reason amplifies my anger.

"I don-"

"I know that I love him. I've always known!" I seethed, tired of holding in tears, I was tired of letting the dam burst and actually crying. I wanted to be angry.

"That's what hurts so goddamn much. That nothing has been able to make me stop. And all I really want is for this-this… Agony, this insecurity. This heartache! to go away!" Topanga took my hand and brought me someplace quieter.I laughed bitterly at myself. Frustrated tears pooling in my eyes. "Everytime I say that, I believe it… For a second" I turned towards some mirror in the tiny room. Taking notice that it's a bathroom.

I stared at myself. Disgusted. I'm still that pathetic little girl.

"But I know that all I really want is to have him. For him to have wanted me all those years ago. For me not to want the things i'm sure I can't have. But it's true. I want those things"

"I've never stopped loving Joshua Mathews, and I don't know if I can"

"Maya…"

"I want to stop loving him" I was so lost. I was fine in California, almost happy even. Ignoring any thoughts of Josh my mind would cross, but it's different back home. I just can't deal with loving him anymore.

The truth is... I don't know if I can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it wasn't as bad as I feel it was, Tell me what you guys think.
> 
> Really hoping it didn't suck, please let me know.
> 
> See you guys in a few days.
> 
> ~Geni


	5. But? Never Again

Josh's POV

I can vividly recall my mother saying; "The only two things that will come free to you, Josh is love and hope". A small smile playing at her lips. Turning around to serve a plate of dinner. Or consoling me after a lost game, reciting this simple quote. I took solace through that one statement. That single absolute that my mother held all faith in. Growing up, I had never doubted its honesty. Maybe if you had asked me yesterday I would still feel its sincerity. But after seeing her. After witnessing the destruction i caused, after hearing the proclamation of that pain...I know that it's the biggest load of shit i'd ever heard.

Hope is a con and Love costs you everything.

I've been standing outside of Corey's apartment building for nearly an hour just thinking about what i might walk into. Was she even still up there?

It's easy to be determined to do something. In my case; win Maya Hart' love back. The hard part is succeeding. Again, in my case: not getting beat by said beautiful conquest and live happily ever after with her.

All I've ever wanted since i could remember was to be with Maya. For her to be just a bit older, or me just a smidge younger. But right here, right now, with my heart on a mission and the bloodchilling need to have her, coursing through me, i can hear the faint voice of reason repeating in a low voice: "3 years...3years...3years"

A frustrated yell erupted from deep in my chest as I paced back and forth, running a desperate hand through my hair.

How do you stop following a belief that you've branded into your skin? How am I supposed to convince her into falling for me when i can hardly accept my own emotions.

The matter of knowing what I want and accepting it or two separate entities entirely. It's not like i forgot my initial reasoning behind turning Maya down so many times, or the relentless beating down of my instincts that demanded otherwise.

Maya shouldn't be subjected to having to catch up to me. That age gap will always be there. There is nothing i can do to change that. And i don't want her to feel like she constantly has to be keeping up with appearances.

She's so perfect and i'm so… me. Undecided at every elevation. Unprepared by all standards and utterly hopeless.

Snap the fuck out of it, Matthews!

You've wanted this girl-woman, for the majority of your existence. Are you really gonna let her go without a fight?

"ughhh" I groaned, staring at the lobby door. What the actual hell am I doing? Am i honestly gonna make this mistake again. Ive lived without Maya Hart for far too long. Why would I want to go back to such a bleak and meaningless life, when adventure and beauty was breathing and within my grasp in the building directly in front of me?

I wouldn't!

Before I could really register what was happening my legs were guiding me into the lobby. The journey to my brothers apartment blurred into the background as the nerves ate at my skin. My hands shaking with anxiety as i rung Corey's doorbell.

"You can do this. You're Josh Mathews. I can do thi-" Suddenly two large hands were pulling me in by my biceps. And Corey had me pinned to the closest wall by the door.

"You're gonna tell me exactly what you did to Maya. Now, Josh" he all but growled at me.

"Core" I gasped, "Calm down"

"No. I wanna know right now. What did you do to my kid?"

"Corey. I need you to take a breath and let go of me" His grip shifted to the collar of my shirt clutching venomously.

Without a word telling me I best start talking. And with a sigh i looked down defeated.

"I broke her"

Four glasses of whiskey later, Corey and I were sitting at his dining room table finishing the tale of the dumbest man alive.

"So basically," Corey began, pausing dramatically. "you're a fucking idiot"

"Corey!" I shouted. Although the man was much more liberal than he seemed, swearing was a no-no. I don't think I ever heard him say anything worse than damn or hell.

"Look, your my little brother. And I love you. But i'm not sorry. You're a Godforsaken idiot. How could you think th-" Suddenly I find myself pushing up from the table to stand. "Don't you think that I could go without this overwhelming peptalk, Core!?" I yelled. "Yes. I'm a damn fool. But you don't understand! Okay!? To have your heart pound and hate you for watching her walk away. To force meaningless words through grit teeth and watch what it does to the girl of your dreams. My heart wrecked. All the goddamn while your brain is demanding it! Telling you it's the right thing to do." My breaths began to come out jagged and desperately. Oblivious as to how i'm supposed to word this.

"It tortured me for years that all that I had to do- all that I fucking needed to do was hold her in my undeserving arm, have one single beautiful, Maya flavored kiss." I slowed. My voice lowering and my tears streaming. "It would have erased every lie I ever told her…It would've…" I wiped the tears away forcefully, looking at my big brother and being assaulted by the pity etched into the crevices of his wrinkles

"Don't tell me i'm an idiot…" I trailed off. She already knew and that was the only person alive who's opinion mattered to me anymore.

"I just…" I brought my hands up to tear at my hair. Desperate. Scared. " I just don't know anything but how that i want her. H-How much I crave her, her- Her everything" I looked down on my brother. Pathetically asking with my eyes for some sort of advice.

"I'd happily set fire to the entirety of New York if it meant that she would smile at me." Corey downed the rest of his drink quickly in one gulp before looking into my eyes and rising to stand directly in front of me. "I just want her to smile at me, Corey. It's all I want."

"You're my brother. And I love you," He repeated. " But I do not consent to you pursuing Maya. And not because of some ridiculous 3 year gap that has hardly held any significance since she was 17. But because that girl has been through enough shit without you fucking her up any further." My eyes grew wide and my throat closed up at his confession. "She has too much going on right now. I will not have you playing with her, Josh." Too much going on? What's going on with Maya that I don't know about?

Before I could even think to open up my mouth to respond, the front door swung open. A nearly unconscious Maya Hart was being practically carried by both my niece and my sister in law. And somehow still looking eerily gorgeous.

My legs once again working on their own accord, as I rushed to their sides. My arms instantly wrapping around my Maya's waist. Lifting her into a bridal carrier position. Weak protests spoken by a rather intoxicated Riley Soon followed.

"Josh?" Maya mumbled.

"Shhh" I soothed. Trying to lull her fully to sleep. My free hand pushing stray golden curls from her heart-shaped face. Most likely my only chance at memorizing her very detailed before she's lucid enough to throw me aside.

"I'll take her to bed" I speak dazed. Being this close to her was intoxicating. Addictive. Every inch of skin that touched her was set aflame. She sat me on fire. And I adored her for it. Cursing myself once again for being so stupid all those years ago. Once again causing me to wonder how I went so long with seeing her. As well as how I was going to survive once she left.

"Josh" Corey and Tapanga said together, in a warning tone.

"I'm just putting her to bed" I whispered, eyes still trained on the most fascinating woman alive. Alive and in my arms. And God! Did it feel good.

I calmly walked her to her bedroom. After some maneuvering I was able to open the door without waking up Maya. Gently placing her beneath the covers, watching her squirming until she found a position she found most comfortable.

I sat beside her for several moments after I covered her up. Staring knowing it must be creepy to outside viewers but unable to muster the ability to care. She would never allow me to do this any other way.

"I would give anything for you not to hate me...To love me again." I whispered into the quiet room. "I'll find a way convince you, Gorgeous. 'Swear I will"

After a minute my lips found her cheek. Putting the truth to all my lies within that four second peck. Rising without tearing my eyes away before I began to walk to the door, reaching for the knob.

"I don't hate you, Josh." My head snapped back looking at the now seated Maya. She looked down at her comforter never meeting my eyes. And I was unsure I was grateful or disappointed by it.

"But?" My voice cracked. Her eyes finally reaching mine, hope wrapping it's warm hands around my heart.

"But…" She whispered, "But, I'll never love you again."


	6. I Missed You

Maya's POV:

"Wakey Wakey!" Ava's sharp voice broke through the paper-thin walls of the Mathews apartment. Two feminine groans coming from inside of their guest bedroom and another much more distant from someone within the kitchen(most likely Tapanga). At reveal of my sudden company I turned to see Riley lying beside me almost falling to the floor looking like absolute death.

"When did you come in here?" I asked, groggily to my best friend.

"SHHH!" She said sharply. Wincing. "Too. Loud. Too. Early. Riely no talky" She grunted into her pillow nearly suffocated herself with the force she shoved her face into it. I began to chuckle at her antics before my own head began to throb something awful.

"Ugh!" I groaned, " Agreed"

"Shh" Riley mumbled as her hand mushed my face, "Shhh! Sleep, Peaches"

My eyes began to droop and a nice relaxed- or as relaxed as you can get with a massive hangover- wave came over me as I began to drift off.

"LOOKS LIKE THESE GIRLS CAN"T HOLD THEIR LIQUOR" Four eyes snapping open as Riley and I saw the other wince at the bang of the door against the wall and the high pitched voice of Auggie's more than slightly annoying girlfriend.

That's when magic happened and despite the migraine the laughs bubbled out of me like a highly under the influence jester.

In all the years that I have known Riley Matthews she has always been the most composed between us two. Hardly ever swearing and never rude. She was- to a T- very mature since a young age.

...But? My mind practically laughed. Hungover Riley was my absolute favorite Riley in the entire world. Filter and rudeness be damned!

The moment her head reared back to look at the small girl at the door she.Completely. Flipped.

"What!? Do you have a fucking microphone permanently switched "on" lodged inside of your trachea!?" She shouted. "Have some form of decency, Ava. Don't you have a home of your own? Take Auggie there! Do SOMETHING other than wake me the fuck up! Or so help me, I swear I'll go searching through your throat for that forsaken microphone. I swear I will! Right until I have something to give as my contribution to society" She heaved, absolutely livid. Topanga's voice once again being heard somewhere in the dining area, "I'd for sure appreciate it" Causing me to just lose it. Falling off the bed as I laughed and gasped out, "I love hungover Riley!"

"You, hush" She told me sharply falling back into the covers, this time actually attempting to smother herself with a pillow.

What a way to wake up.

After such a wonderful wake-up call. A frightened and very offended Ava stormed out of the apartment, along with a furious Auggie running after her. Topanga made Riley and I the most disgusting home remedy for a hangover I've ever been subjected to soon afterwards. I mean, come on. Raw eggs and Orange juice cocktail? Don't forget the sucking of a pickled plum. Riley looked even worse as she drank her mother's' peculiar cure. But neither of us could deny the effect it had not 25 minutes afterwards.

No longer agitated Riley nervously bit at her nails. Looking utterly guilty.

"Do you think I should apologize to Ava? I think I should apologize to Ava. I shouldn't have been so harsh" She rambled staring at the wood of the table. "Auggie's got to be so upset with me. I'm gonna apologize" I groaned.

"Riiileey" I whined. "Can't I at least shower first. I mean, It's not like you were lying about the mic or anything" I laughed.

"Maya, stop being evil." Corey's voice rang into the room. Placing a kiss on all three of our heads smirking and sending me a wink. They knew I was only joking no matter how freaking funny it had been initially, she was still just a kid, and a happy Auggie was an Auggie we all favored. Over the years I built up his pranking Technics and I feared what it would feel like to be at the receiving end of his shenanigans. I didn't doubt the extremes he would go to for Ava. Or the anger he probably felt towards his sister for upsetting her.

"I'm kidding! I'm Kidding!" I defended, trying to lighten the mood. "How about we shower and wash off all the alcohol smell from our skin then head to Ava's so you can apologize? Then We'll go shopping and get all dolled up before Lucas's Promotion thing on Thursday?" I asked looking at Riley.

"Yeah. Yeah sure. Sounds like a plan" She didn't look any more relieved than moments before. Too guilty to think clearly.

"Okay good. You go first" I suggested. Hoping it would calm her nerves.

Nodding, she stood and walked to her room, I'd imagine to get her essentials. She was far too good for her own good. And it worried me. She worries herself far too much and it's more than unnerving. Maybe I'm just too protective of her. Or maybe I was becoming paranoid. But something was telling me there was more than just her guilt towards Ava that was bothering her. I just needed to find out what

At Ava's:

"Just calm down, Riles. They'll forgive you. Just say sorry and explain that you had one hell of a headache and that mic just blew you ov-" I crackled as she slapped my arm.

"Maya, stop it!"

"Okay, okay I'm done. I'm done. I promised" Holding in a laugh.

She raised her hand to knock when I let out a rather large snort. I slapped a hand against my mouth, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I swear, I'm done!" I smiled as a compromise. Both of us knowing I couldn't settle for anything less. Her hand rose again knocking firmly this time before Auggie answered the door. His face instantly turning cold.

"What do you want, Riley?"

"I just want to say sorry, Aug. Honest!"

A silence fell over the hall and the threshold as Auggie contemplated on letting us in. After about 30 seconds I got impatient.

"Yeah! Sure! We would love to come in. Wouldn't we Riley?" I say sarcastically.

"Maya" she hissed as I pushed Auggie aside making my way into Ava's empty loft. Finding her on her couch actually looking... sad.I have to admit I did feel bad as soon as I saw the dry tear streaks painting her cheeks.

"Oh, Ava" Riley said softly moving closer into the living room. "I'm so sorry, honey. I should have never said such horrible things to you. You're not to loud. You're perfect-"

"Don't lie to me, Riley. I know that I'm loud, okay?" she interrupted. "I just am. There's nothing I can do to change that. It's how I am. You don't have to like it. Or me for that matter, but there was no reason for you to be so demeaning."

"I know, I'm so very sorry, Ava. I swear I do like your loudness. And I love you. You've been part of the family since you were five years old. How could I not. I was just really really hungover and i'll do anything to make it up to you" She promised.

Auggie and I stood off to side, shamelessly watching the conversation unravel sharing looks every now and then.

"Anything?" She asked, raising a single blonde eyebrow.

Auggie and I sharing a final look before my day went to shit.

Around two hours later:

"How did this even happen,Riley!?" I whisper yelled in the dressing room, "How did you talk me into this!?" I was literally pulling my hair out pacing back and forth as Ava skipped around the store looking for another outfit. Riley and I hiding in the dressing rooms needing a freaking minute!

"This was the only way she would forgive me, Maya." Riley tried.

"Riley! She's arguing with a seven year old!" Pulling back the curtain slightly, I pointed harshly towards the spastic 14 year old holding some sort of spat with a child by the Graphic T section. I have no idea how I was dragged into this. Not that I didn't like Ava. I did. She was entertaining to be around but there was just so much I could take.

"It's just- She was so upset, Maya. And I did say 'anything'" I ran another hand through my tangled mess of curls.

"And besides she's going to Lucas's Promotion thing too. She might as well have tagged along with us to do all this stuff. And I wasn't gonna let you out of this. I've missed you and we are getting our nails done and getting hot dresses together, 'cause you live in California, I never get to see you and I miss my best friend" She confessed in a 'I mean business' tone. My annoyance disappearing gradually as she spoke, "I missed my sister"

"Oh!" I groaned, "You just had to use the sister card" She smiled as if saying, "Duh".

"Fine" I sighed, "let's go pay for these dresses" Walking out of the dressing rooms, arms linked together.

As the next hour went by I found myself actually enjoying Ava's company. I had said the girl was funny. She was just too much sometimes. But so was I. Who the hell was I to judge. So she was loud. I was emotionally crippled. Didn't mean we were bad people. Especially if either of us were able to make Riley Matthews laugh the way she was surrounded by pretentious snobs at the local salon.

All in all. I was having a great time. And so thankful for it too. After the last few days with Josh and all the lingering pain left after all those years, spending a day with Riley and Ava felt… good… Healthy. It wasn't the same as when I was at Cali. Ignoring any thought I would have of him. Burying him into the back of my mind. Here now with my girls, I felt more than distracted. I felt like I was home.

Oops, I did it again

I played with your heart, got lost in the game

Oh baby, baby

Oops, you think I'm in love

That I'm sent from above

I'm not that innocent

"Ooo, It's Auggie. I'll be back, guys" Ava scurried off outside, holding her phone carefully as to not ruin her nails. Smiling as bright as the sun, as soon as she saw his a name flash onto her screen.

"You know. She's really not that bad." Riley said softly.

"Yeah, I know" I replied

"I worry about her though. Have you ever notice her parents are like never there", She said suddenly.

"Yeah. You ever think that's why she's so loud? If I lived in such a big empty place I'd probably be unsure how volume cues worked too. I mean, she's always alone when she comes over even when she was little"

"Hmmm" I could see, that although this conversation held meaning, the truth behind it was to distract me from the big picture. The taboo name. The he-who-shall-not-be-mentioned. And while guilt ate at my insides for it, I couldn't help but be grateful.

"I'm back!"

"Ya sure are" I joked, before she stuck her tongue out at me.

We laughed and it was so easy. I was breathing so easy. And I loved the taste of the oxygen reaching my lungs. I hadn't lived this simply in a very long time and I couldn't be happier.

I guess my day didn't go to shit after all.

"Hey girls" Auggie said moments before Ava threw herself into his arms, sharing a quick kiss before diving headfirst into a tale of everything they had done.(Even though 3 phone calls transpired between the two in the 5 hour extravaganza)

Riley laughed as I quietly looked away heading for the kitchen.

"Umm, Maya?" I looked up to Corey raising a brow, asking "what?"

"Err-"

"I believe he's attempting to tell you that i'm here" his voice came in. Clear as a bell. My heart clenching and the padlock clicking around it. Here goes.

"Hello, Josh" I said coolly. I was determined to be mature. I could feel the tension between Corey and his younger brother the moment I looked between because our relationship was a bit on the rough side didn't mean that I had a right to tear any portion of this family apart. Regardless of how it made me feel. I had decided last night. Albeit in my drunken haze and vomit induced mindset, that I was going to make an effort to be civil. I loved this family far too much to cause a rift.

A rift I could already see beginning to develop between Josh and both Corey and Riley. I was not going to let it get any worse.

"Hey, Gorgeous" He breathed. And I was reminded of all those times, years ago when that very tone would have diluted my mind to believe that he could somehow feel something deeper for me and I hated the race my heart did at the onslaught of memories banging against it's cage. Desperate to be broken free.

He moved closer towards me. The entire room coming into a dead silence. He held flowers in his hand and I tilted my head to the side. Are those for me?

"Uhh, I remembered that you once said you like orchids so I thought I'd bring some… for- yo-you" He stuttered. I internally damned him for making it sound so freaking cute. I reached a hand to grab the bouquet.

"Flowers remind me of death" His mouth opening and closing for several beats, before I let out a quick laugh.

"I'm joking,Josh." He breathed a sigh of relief, smiling.

I walked closer to him. Ignoring the rush of my heart. Praying that he couldn't hear it. Close enough now that only he could hear me speak as everyone around made fake small talk around us.

"This doesn't mean I forgive you, Josh. First, 'cause flowers? Really? Their beautiful but cliché." I said trying to lighten the mood, "Second, things between us will never just be...okay or fine or… But what it will be is civilized for our family. They're mine too and i'm not causing a break between you and any of them. So no more 'Hey, Gorgeous'. Okay?" I said lightly. Stepping back to find a vase.

"Maybe we can try friends!" He said promptly, hands wrapping around my wrist softly. "M-Maybe just friends...please, Maya" I felt my eyes clenched tightly as I breathed. And he gradually let go of my wrist.

"Friends" I tried the taste on my lips, " I.. I can… I can try that." I said finally. He smiled big. Moving closer. "Can friends hug?"

"I-I don't know, Josh"

"Come on Maya. Just one hug. I know it's been… rough" He struggled to find a word, " But I have missed you. It's just a hug." I paused for several minutes. His eyes hopeful.

"Just one" A whispered raising my pointer finger in front of our faces as emphases.

Before I knew what was happening I felt a warm tantalizing limb wrap around my waist pushing my head against his chest with his other. The deep breath of his cologne I took was uncontrollable. He was just so warm. And it felt so good.

"I missed you, Maya" Josh murmured against my ear. Snapping me out of it as I pulled back. Forcing a smile and walking back towards the kitchen.

Vase, just think about finding a vase, Maya.

I breathed heavily as I filled one with water. Calming my nerves. Ignoring the tingle of being so close and the sudden desperate desire to run away.

You did the right thing, Maya. You did the right thing. It became my mantra. You did the right thing. I kept saying it till it started to sound real.

"Hey, M? You good?" Lucas asked. I hadn't realized when he'd gotten here, but figured it was long enough to witness my 'chat' with Josh.

"Yeah" I smiled.

"I'm here, if anything" He said, kissing my hairline.

"Thanks, Huckleberry" I laughed- Genuinely this time.

"Sure thing, Short-stack"

Sometime later the evening turned into somewhat of a party of sorts. Farkle and Smackle making an appearance with an announcement of an upcoming doctor's appointment to see if Smackle was indeed "Gravid". Everyone aside from Smackle, Auggie and Ava enjoying a bear around the T.V, talking and just enjoying being with each other. Lucas sat between Riley and I, a protective arm slung behind us both. I found it funny how he thought I didn't notice it or the dirty looks that he shot in Josh's direction. But I kept my comments and thoughts to myself, knowing Lucas wasn't a fan of taking sides and i wouldn't make him feel guilty for doing just that. Lucas's eyes weren't the only ones causing me concern. I could feel Josh's eyes stare at me from his corner of the room as the evening wore on but I didn't allow him to know I was aware either. That is before I finally had enough.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I asked him while everyone was engaged in one of Corey's crazy 'Young Topanga' stories.

I honestly didn't expect his reply, "I'll tell you later, M".

Eyes wide I stared right back. Not knowing what to even think, let alone what to say. And before I could even formulate something intelligible for human ears aside from 'ummm',the door slammed open and a deep voice caused everyone to look in that direction. "What? You guys started without me?" (A/N: Anyone recognize which episode this quote is from? See bottom afterwards for additional notes for it)

"Zay!" I shrieked surprised. Standing abruptly. Before I knew what was happening he went through with greeting everyone then making his way towards me. His arms wrapping around my waist, pulling me impossibly close. "There's my girl." He laughed.

"Hey baby!",he smiled widely, " I missed you". His lips finding mine as proof. Lips moving with mine in a familiar rhythm.

Moments later, allowing me to breath I whispered back,breathless. Eyes soon meeting Josh's hazel ones from across the room.

"...I missed you too,sweetie"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Lovlies!
> 
> I hope you liked this chapter. I was trying for a different form of writing let me know in the comments your opinion on the change and ANYTHING else. ;)
> 
> Love you all! :D
> 
> ~Geni


	7. Prove It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I dont own 'Girl meets world" or any of its characters.
> 
> Hey guys!
> 
> This chapters pretty angst-y but i have a super sweet treat for you guys for chapter 8.
> 
> Enjoy! let me know what you think in the comments they really do make my day.
> 
> Thanks! :D
> 
> ~Gen

Josh's POV

There are single life altering moments for everyone that just defines you as a person. Seconds that reveal things about the world and your place inside it. People who are built up off memories that define there places in life. I could very easily tell you the four most life dominating moments that delve my life into the whirlpool it is.

First: The evening I became an Uncle. Looking at "Really really Big" brown eyes. Whispering my discovery to my big brother who sat her squishy body against my lap. The adoring yet fearful look in Coreys eyes as he allowed me to hold his daughter. The moment I knew how valuable and how vulnerable love really was.

Second: Visiting my big brother and his wife on my parents anniversary. Where my six year old niece ran around with a just as small girl with a mess of blonde princess curls. Speaking fiercely as ever. Both turning around, trapping me by Maya Harts eyes for the first time. The moment my heart spoke to me for the very first time. Silently telling me, "she's all you'll ever need".

Third: Soft strawberry smoothie lips meeting mine warmly with as much intensity as I had mused for years within my mind. Followed by the false words that I spoke in front of the woman of my dreams. The vines coated in poisonous lies wrapping themselves around her neck till her love for me came coughed out. Squeezed out every last drop of love from her throbbing lungs. Oozing through the tears falling from those absolutely gorgeous eyes. The instant I learned that bad decisions, made with good intentions are still bad decisions.

Fourth: The bone crushing, overwhelming sorrow and pain that slammed against my body like a speeding truck, at the sight of the love of my life wrapped up against another man's arms. Kissing another man's lips. Knowing it was all my fault, lead me to know; That love is the greatest magic we as humans are allowed to have, Too easily merited and the most excruciating thing to lose.

My eyes followed her every move as he sat her in his lap. Everyone slightly surprised, asking when "this"-referring to my Maya on Zay's freakin' lap!-had happened.

Except she wasn't my Maya. She wasn't my anything… Actually that may not be true, according to the last hour or so Maya and I were now friends. Friends! What the hell sort of Alternate Universe am I in!?

The initial shock and unbearable sadness morphed into something much more unpleasant as I continued to stare shamelessly. Red hot anger sizzled under my skin, as I saw his lips drag against her skin every so often. Too often. My heart tugging every time she shivered. My every cell screaming; That's supposed to be me!, and the jealousy didn't ease as the night wore on,either. It simply grew stronger with every moment they were together.

Everyone somehow was able to get passed the sudden announcement of Maya's relationship. Everyone except for me. The urge to vomit rising revoltingly while they shared the story of finding each other on campus their first day of university and staying friends.

"Yeah, we were until she saw how a real man could take care of her" Zay laughed, earning a chuckle from most in the room, finishing up the tale. The sharp look the younger boy tossed my way proving his subtle conclusion was directed towards me.

My mouth opened to retort. Jealousy and anger searching desperately for an outlet and Zay's face seemed to fit the description perfectly. The syllables of an insult dancing against my tongue when my eyes landed on Maya's face rather than where she was seating.

She was relaxed. She was okay. Her back leaned against his side and the intense pang rang true inside my chest since I then understood… He made her comfortable… He was making her happy. Happier than I ever did.

As everyone began to leave one by one, the girls started piking up the cups around the table to the kitchen.

The moment I saw my window. Grabbing a handful of trash I followed Maya into the dining room.

"Him!?" I whisper shouted, "Really Maya? I'd think you could do better than Zay" The anger returning with every moment I could smell his cologne on her flawless skin. Her head whipping in my direction at my sudden appearance.

"What, you'd be a better choice?" she defended.

"Well yeah" I said bluntly. Her perfect laugh bubbly from inside her chest. And i want unsure whether to be elated that I managed to make her laugh or offended for what it was that amused her.

"I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry" She gasped between giggles, " I just find it hilarious!" She continued to chuckle. "How you can possibly think that after all the mental bullshit you put me through you have a right to include yourself among the people I date" My throat closed up as flame blue eyes glassed over. "Plus" she added, "We're just friends right?" She sighed deeply before looking me straight in the eyes.

"I don't want to fight with you again, Josh" Leaning forward to kiss my cheek, she whispered close to my ear, "You're just too late, Josh.. There's nothing you can do to change that. We're better off as friends"

I'm not quite sure when exactly I had left my brothers home. All I knew was I woke up in my dorm with a killer headache and crushing pressure upon my thorax when my cell abruptly dragged me away from my dreamless slumber. Raised the ringing phone to my ear to hear Corey on the other side.

"Yeah?"I croaked clearing my throat.

"Hey, Josh think you can meet me in two hours for lunch?"

"Sure" I said lazily, "See you then" I hung up quickly not willing just yet t speak to anyone. Not even my brother. The onslaught of memories from the night before came rushing back with too much force.

The images of his hands on her body and his lips on her neck had me doubling over into my bed sheets. Digging my face into the pillows. Wishing I could just disappear. Groans rippled from my throat as flashes of Maya's soft pale hands lacing with Zay's announcing them going to bed. Her bed. A bed- probably among a list of others- They have shared.

I hadn't realized I was crying until the faint taste of salt coated my discovery not stopping the pathetically sobs smothered by my bedding. Praying to God that I never made her feel like this. Although, I know I probably did. And so the tears came harder.

Two hours later:

"So..." Corey trails off. I nod my head knowing where the conversation was going, "Maya and Zay" My nose scrunched at the way he said their names.

"Don't say it like that"

"Like what?" Corey raises an eyebrow confused.

"Like that. The way you just did. The way someone would call Riley and Lucas or Auggie and Ava"

"You're not making any sense, Josh" I felt my blood boil at the misunderstanding. Wondering if they saw themselves that way.

'You're just too late, Josh', her voice rang inside my ears. Driving me insane with sorrow.

"Don't call them 'Maya and Zay' like their one in the same. The way someone would say you and Topanga, Corey."

"Josh" He started, "I know this must be difficult fo-"

"No you don't!" I laughed humorlessly. "You have no idea what it is to love someone so strongly and watch them be with someone else. To look into the eyes of your soulmate and have them look away…" I held in my tears. " Away and into the eyes of some other guy. You don't know what i'm feeling, Core. So don't say you understand. I wouldn't wish for you to ever experience something so paralyzingly miserable." My eyes stung with the force of denying myself the relief. So incredibly torn and having no one to blame but myself.

'You're just too late, Josh'

"I need advice, Corey. Please" I begged, "I- I can't stand his hands on her for another second" I continued through grit teeth. "I'll kill him, I swear that I will"

He looked at me with pity. But I couldn't gather enough energy to care.

'There's nothing you can do to change that'

"You know how I feel about this, Josh. Not to mention you're still struggling to accept your feelings, based off some ridiculous three year gap" He said shaking his head disapprovingly.

Furthering my discomfort. That's the last thing I want. To thwart my brother. He had been my hero for as long as I could remember. His regret for my decisions twisting knots into my stomach nearly as tight as the ones with Maya's name carved into them.

"Don't mess with the emotions of other just 'cause your unsure of your own. It's unfair. And its cruel" He said slowly, "but.." my head snapping up to meet his brown eyes.

"Yes?"

"You can't just show up at my apartment with flowers and expect her to immediately forgive. Especially since what you did was unforgivable. Josh you more than just lied to her" He says sincerely.

"You tore her down. Told her she wasn't strong or beautiful-"

"I never said she wasn't beautiful" I interjected. Defeated

"You told her you wanted a woman that was beautiful and strong, implying to her that she wasn't."

I felt my throat contract against the ball lodged within it.

"You have to fight. And fight like hell…" He breathed slowly fighting against his own instincts that demanded that Maya be left alone. "Years ago, you found every reason as to why to leave her. To not be with her. Now? Now, you find one. One single reason to fight for her. At you get ready for war. We both saw how Zay was last night. Unlike you, he ain't as stupid and it doesn't look like he'll be letting go anytime soon" Shaking his head he emphasizes his words vowel by vowel. Dragging a knife into my chest with every word, knowing their nothing but true.

"I don't want to hurt her again" I whisper.

"Then don't fight with Zay" Corey demands, "Just fight for what you love, and don't start with him, do you hear me. I'm not in the business of breaking that boys heart. But if you really feel like you'd be best for her, i'll tell you what I think. But fighting, physically fighting- as much as you may want to- is just gonna drive Maya farther away from you"

I knew that. I did. It didn't stop the want, though. The only thing on earth that I wanted more than to beat the living shit out of Zay- or myself for that matter- is Maya herself. And God, was she worth the sacrifice. I could close my eyes and watch her paint the darkness of my eyelids with her beauty, set fire to my emotions with her personality at my complete surrender. I'd take anything she'd give me. Be it pain and sorrow, regardless… it was equivalent to happiness.

And that's the true reason why that hideous word left my lips last night.

'We're better off as friends'

Friends. We were freaking friends!... But.. friends is what she would allow me and a hideous moment in the presence of an angel was one and the same as heaven.

I nod numbly to my brother agreeing with his advice

"I can do that"

"Everyone's going to Coney Island. To celebrate everyone being together again or whatnot. Maybe you just happen to be walking by when you see them tonight at 7" Corey says pointedly, My silent thanks not going unnoticed when he nods in semi-approval.

"Can I just ask you something, Josh?" I raise an eyebrow at his change of voice, "Yeah" I answer.

"I know this is hard, as much as you think I don't, I do. But...I gotta ask- Just to ensure both of us that what you're doing is right... Which was easier? Willing the courage to fight for her or fighting endlessly for the strength to leave her?"

"...Fighting" I manage to say, unthinkingly. "When-When I left...I- I don't think that there's a word to describe the feeling of ripping yourself to bits to protect someone who only ever needed, well you. The one thing you were most capable and willing to give." I said lowly tears slipping, "Not that realizing it was any walk in the park. The damage already done. And the both of us on two separate sides of the wreckage... Knowing I'd still give anything to have her and Maya wanting nothing to do with it... with me" The silence grew thick then, before Corey set up another life altering moment for me, " Anything?" He asked,

"It can't be too late Corey it just can't." I chant.

"Prove it"

Fifth: The instant I knew nothing could ever stop from getting Maya Harts love back. I'd prove it to more than just her, but to the universe if need be. Maya would be mine in the most domestic way possible( since of course no one but Maya owned her)

"...Prove it" I whispered back.


	8. Fluent, Bitch!

Maya's POV

"Zay, What are you doing here?" I whisper harshly at the friend I had missed so much the last few days.

"You're a little late on the surprise there, babe" He smiled crookedly removing his jeans and replacing it with a pair of sweats tucked away inside of his bag. Before tossing himself onto my bed winking at me. I tried to hide the smile that threatened to break my serious fury towards the taller boy, but failed when he waved me towards the bed as well.

Sighing, I laid down beside him on my belly.

"We talked about me coming over here, M" His voice was soft and kind, almost soothing. I knew we had spoke about him coming along with me back to New York, but we hadn't come up with a decision by the time I was due to catch a plane. I just assumed that meant that he was staying in Cali. Although, I should have known he would pull something like this. It was such a Zay idea to begin with.

Rubbing my fingers through my hair I fought the odd combination of joy and anxiety bubbling up my throat. So happy Zay was here with me-knowing full well he couldn't afford to be taking time off work and doing it anyway just so he could be with me. Yet, anxiety at the image of Josh's eyes following my every move after Zay first pulled me into his arms tonight.

"I know we did, but as my boyfriend?" I asked, "I mean c'mon"

He leaned forward to give me a kiss on the cheek, " I might as well be, Maya. Everyone back home already thinks we're together" That was true, as well. All our 'friends' and classmates back in Cali were convinced we were a couple. No matter how persistent we were on correcting them.

"We are home, Zay." I chastised. Rolling to his side to look at me he whispered, "I know you are" he smirked.

I rolled my eyes, "Oh, my God! You are such a sap!" I laughed.

"Hey! I am your wonderfully sexy boyfriend. Show some respect"

"Ha! Gay best friend at best" I teased, before Zay made a dramatic gasp, "I resent that" He declared leering towards me.

"Zay" I warned moving back on the bed slightly.

He didn't stop. I saw his hands move towards me stomach menacingly

"Zay! I will stop your ability to have children if you don- ZAY!", I shouted for dear life, as his warm hands moved in fast motions around my abdomen. Arms and legs flailing in reaction.

"Zay!" I gasped between fits of giggles "Stop!- please!"

"You want me to stop? Then say it. Say i'm sexy!"

My lungs started to burn, and I was sure that my face was tomato red but all I was able to screech out was, "Never!"

"Make sure you to use protection!" A big voice presumably from our very own small person all but shouted from outside my bedroom wall. Zay pulled his hands away from my rib-cage to turn towards the door, "Ava?" He asked it.

"Yeah?" Answered the small blonde.

"Go home! We're in the middle of something" My hand swung around to suffocate the last of my laughter.

I could practically hear Ava sticking her tongue out at us.

"Don't listen too him Ava" I interjected, " we're just fooling around"

"That's what we're worrying about" Auggie jabbed opening the door; hands covering both his and Ava's eyes as they walked in, ever the exaggerator.

"Quick, Maya! Cover your breast!"

"Zay" I hissed back, sounding scandalized. "But what are you gonna use to cover up your exposed di-"

"MAYA HART!" Corey yelled from somewhere in the house warningly! The four of us soon breaking out into laughter.

"You two are totally disgusting" Said the fourteen year old boy.

"Just perfect together. I love your love" Ava said dorkily soon after.

I felt my entire body freeze up at her words. My heartbeat picking up, unbeknownst to anyone other than Zay and myself.

"Hey, guys. Think you can give us a minute?" Zay said softly to the two teens.

"Y-Yeah,Sure" Auggie said furrowing his eyebrows concerned. " I'm gonna drop Ava off home and head to bed anyway. Sleep tight you two. C'mon, Ave."

"Night!"

Shutting the door behind them, Zay and I were once again alone.

"What's up, Curly?" He said brushing strands of hair from my face. That's his favorite of his many, many nicknames for me. After two years of trying to stop it, I've grown quite fond of it. "Is it, Josh?" He said more as a statement than a question, but I nodded nonetheless.

"What have I missed?"

I forced a laugh, pulling away from my stone like state. "Told you you were a gay BFF. Always looking for the gossip"

"Maya" He said softly. And I found myself so glad to have him with me, a warm calm wash over me.

Without looking up I spoke quietly, conscious of all the people who could hear through the walls. "Some stuff has happened since we last spoke, yeah" I sighed, walking towards my window. Seating myself on the sill. I watched as said man drove away in his motorcycle, "It's… It's just so hard being near him, especially with all this stuff that he's been telling me lately and-"

"What has he been saying?"

I proceeded to tell him about all that has occurred over the past four days or so. From the fight my first day to the drunken dinner outing with Riley and Topanga, as well as the awkward yet heart melting hugging that occurred between me and Josh before he arrived.

"Not to mention of course telling me 'later' after asked why he was staring at me" I finished, eyes wide and hopeful. Although, I'm not quite sure in regards to what. This sudden form of attention Josh is showing me for the very first time in his life or the desperate pull in my gut seeking advice as the fear turned my veins ice cold.

Zay pulled me into a hug once I was done. Simple tears falling silently between our shirts.

"Do you still love him?" he sounded sadder than he should so I pulled back to see him clearer.

Did I still love him? I mean, how could I possibly hate him? He was my first love- my first kiss. He dominated my thoughts and desires since before I could remember, even now after all we experienced and all that I suffered because of him, I still couldn't find myself not on some level caring for my best friends uncle. The older man may have broken my heart, but he was a big part of my life before he said those awful things to me all those years ago. He had been there through all of mine and Riley's milestones supporting us both. In the moments where I could get past the ache in my chest that cries out for him, that cries out for that 18 year old girl, naive enough to believe that this strong, beautiful, loyal man could have possibly loved her. In those moments I feel myself love him... in a way.

"Sometimes?" I whispered. Hearing for myself how little sense that made. Yet, Zay nodded. Somehow… Somehow he just understood. Somehow he always understood.

"I missed you, Zay" I whisper. Hugging him once more. "I missed you too, Curly"

Silence covered us like a blanket for several moments before I spoke again. "You know we have to tell them tomorrow that we're not really dating, right? I appreciate you trying to make Josh sweat" I ignored the thrill that rose up my spine whenever I so much as muttered his name. "But we're not dating and I don't wanna lie-"

"Shhh, M. You think too much. I never said I gave up on trying to win you over"

"Zay" I groaned, "Not tonight"

"Don't knock me till you try me.. Well you kind-of have but-"

"You know I can't… care- like that again" I muttered softly, cutting him off.

'That's fine." He said sincerely closing his eyes, "I'll care enough for the both of us."

"Plus, that way you can have an announcement at Luke's thing too. I know you've been bummed out about being behind on the relationship scale."

I laughed, " What? This way my announcement; is my lacking in the relationship status department?"

Grinning largely, "Precisely, my dear blonde friend"

Smiling myself, I slapped his arm lightly. And before I knew it, he was snoring lightly.

The relationship Zay and I shared borderlined several possible affiliations. I know that at times he would rather we be more than friends. And there are times that I do as well. But… I refuse to be his Joshua Matthews. I just refuse to.

Zay became my absolute best friend in California. Bringing life back into me after that first year of...Agony. He was a Godsend- IS a Godsend. Nothing was going to change that. At times our relationship was… odd at best. But it was ours and along with the Matthews, my parents (A/N she means her mother and Shawn),Farkle and Smackle and Lucas- Zay and I are a package deal.

Nothing's gonna change that.

Sometime around noon the next day, I was told we were all going to Coney island. An agreement everyone made while I was asleep. Those sneaky little bastards! I hate rides and heights. They all knew it too! That's why they said it was a mutual decision because we were all aware I would bury whose it really was within the grounds of central park before dawn.

Riley seemed a bit off, too. I wasn't sure why and anytime I attempted to bring it up she'd quickly change the subject. It was troubling me more than just a little. A plethora of possibilities just jumbling together in my head. Hopefully I'll be able to corner her and find out what's up with her at the Deathtrap Emporium.

...Those bastards!

That night

Ava, not to my surprise, was the most excited to go to Coney-freaking-Island.

"Okay, It's 6 O'clock and I wanna be on the train by at least seven. So boys, if you please; Get dressed. Girls lets get ready." She jumped around the room to place a sloppy kiss on Auggies cheek. Then skipped right along grabbing mine and Riley's arms pulling us towards the older Mathews teenage bedroom.

"Okay! I brought over an outfit for myself. Took the liberty of picking out Riley's attire, but you" She said pointing a perfectly manicured finger at me, "locked your room door, so I couldn't go through your bags. Not that I thought you would have approved regardless." Ava ranted half parts agitated and all parts sociologically excited. Jumping off into Riley's old private bathroom.

I just groaned, "Can't I just skip this?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"No!" Riley shouted, "C'mon, Maya. Please? I really want to go. Plus, I'll finally be able to go on a double date that doesn't only consist of my younger brother and his girlfriend."

"I can hear you!" Ava shouted from behind the half closed bathroom door. Riley and I just rolled our eyes.

"It'll be cute, Maya." She continued, "I've always wanted to go on a triple date. Plus, it'll be great to go on a date that doesn't consist of my boyfriend's' older sister and her cowboy."

"Ava" Riley warned in the same mocking tone she was using.

"I'll go. But you guys should probably know…" I trailed off nervously.

"Tell us what?" Both Riley and Ava said in unison. Ava opening the door fully to reveal herself pulling on a pair of knee high brown boots starting right below where her maroon frilly dress ended.

"Um, well…"

"Yeah" Riley said, ever so patiently.

"Well Zay and I aren't actually… an uh, a couple" My eyes never leaving the floor. And I was 1000% sure I was redder than Ava's Dress.

"What do you mean you're not a couple!? What about my ship?" She said dejectedly. What freaking ship was she talking about?

"But what about all the intimacy and all the kissing?" Riley asked.

"And let's not forget all the sleeping the same bed together. I mean c'mon! My ships' really not cannon?" The younger girl questioned.

" Cannon? Ship? What are you, a pirate now or…?" I said sarcastically. Really freaking confused. Wasn't it them who were supposed to be puzzled, not me.

"A ship or to ship two people is a pair you want together and cannon means it's true or in fact together" Riley, ever the encyclopedia recited. I rose my eyebrow at her.

"I told you," She sighed. "I have to stop going on double dates with my younger brother and his girlfriend"

"Maya's lack of knowledge of fandom lingo is not the main issue here!" Ava shrieked. "What about all the kissing and intimacy?" She repeated Riley's question.

"Well, Zay and I became best friends after college started. Y'know? We were both far from home and knew no one else. And we just kinda, sort of started depending on one another."

The girls stared intently at me. Only making my cheeks all the more dark.

"Look, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but…" I ran my fingers through my mess of curls, embarrassed. " But the kissing wasn't too weird 'cause it wasn't the first time we had done that."

"So are you guys like, friends with benefits?"

"What!? No! No, of course not." I yelled.

"Then what?"

"I-uh" I stuttered, images of the last four years rushing past my eyelids at hyper-speed. All the nights Zay held me as I cried myself to sleep that first year. The evenings we spend drowning our time in tubs of ice-cream watching Supernatural till we fell asleep on my twin sized bed. All the emotions that I had felt sizzle between us, in those small instances making me think that maybe it could be love. But I could never really be sure. That in itself being an answer for me.

When I had realized I was in love with Josh, regardless of my age at the time. It was all consuming and without a doubt. It was common knowledge that simply grew easier to comprehend the older I became. Yet,... the security that engulfs me in Zay's embrace makes me wonder if i'm allowing the heart that never loved me, keep me from the one that truly does.

"I don't really know." I confessed. "Zay and I were all we had back in Cali, okay? He was the only one who knew about me and Josh. He stood by me, and wiped away all the tears and stitched up all of the scars that Josh hadn't even cared enough to realize existed. We're okay sharing a bed because when Josh's ghost haunted me that first semester, it was Zay who held me through the nightmares. It was him who..." I felt the tears begin to pool in my eyes, while I heard my voice crack, I was so sick and tired of crying already! " W-who told me he would love enough for the both of us when I swore I would never love again. Kissed my head when I told him I didn't know if I could ever love him the way I once loved Josh." I felt Riley's hand running up and down my back at the same time Ava moved me to sit on the bay window between them.

"And don't get me wrong, I love him, I swear! I do. But… I dont want to be his Joshua Matthews. But I'll never allow myself to love someone the way I know he loves me. So I told him just that." I laughed humorlessly, " And he just told that it was okay. That he would take anything I was willing to give him. Because, 'He knew what Josh was missing out on'"

"Oh, honey."

"I don't know what's wrong with me, guys"

"Nothing! Nothing is wrong with you, Maya" Ava Said as gently as she could.

"Maya, Josh fucked you up. But you know what? That's part of life. Don't hate yourself because there is someone right outside this room who is willing to care about you beyond the scars that one undeserving man left on you. The love that you still have for Josh, no matter how minuscule, and the love you are able to muster for Zay, in spite of what you went through with Riley's uncle, shows just how strong of a person you are."

"And how capable you are at loving" Riley added just as softly.

I sniffled lightly feeling my face loose its heat of embarrassment, "Thanks Ave. Thanks Riles."

"Your welcome." They both smiled. " Now wipe your face 'cause nothing is getting you out of going with us tonight"

I laughed, running both hands over my wet cheeks.

"C'mon, Peaches go find something to throw on so we can start on makeup and planning the night."

"Ooo" I drawled. "Makeup and scheduling? Score!"

"That's the spirit!"

"Note the sarcasm, guys" I sneered playfully making my way to my room. Once again grateful for the family I had so dearly missed.

They both stuck their tongues out at me pushing me towards the guest bedroom so I'll be ready for their damn death emporium. Rolling my eyes I padded down the hall to my door, passing Lucas and Auggie throwing various sized grapes at each other's mouths to pass the time while the girls got dressed.

"Hey, Curly!" A deep voice sang by my ear, scaring the living shit! out me.

"Oh! Hello Grim Reaper." I feigned a gasp, holding back a smile in order to force a glare his way. Walking fully into the room, hearing the door close as he followed after me.

"So glad to see that you took the form of my treacherousbest friend so that if I die before setting foot on the 'manufacturing of death; fair'. Since it was of course his idea" The bastard smirked in response. I had my suspicions since this morning about this whole Coney Island affair, but the look on his face just proved me right.

I knew It!

"I think you may have just perfected the language of Drama" He teased, wrapping long warm arms around my waist, my back facing his front. Resting his chin on my shoulder he pressed a sweet kiss on my cheek.

These were the exact moments I could allow myself to think that perhaps Zay and I were in fact something, with or without labels to define us. My entire body knowing that right here, right now and in situations like these; there was no harm that could be done to me.

"Actually" I quickly retorted, " That was the language of Sarcasm. That I so happen to be fluent in, thank you very much, Smart-ass." His laugh rumbling in my ears as I pushed off of him to search for my clothes.

"Now get out so I can change" I grinned.

"Alright, alright" Zay said raising his arms up in surrender, making his way to the now open door. Not leaving before calling out in a sing-song voice, "Although! It wouldn't be the first time I see you undress" Throwing a pillow in the direction of the door I shouted, "Oh my God, No you have not, pervert!"

"And what' I just say about my knowledge of Sarcasm, Zay!?"

"That you wouldn't be able to tell what it was if it bit you on the right ass-cheek!", he yelled weirdly specific.

" I'm Fluent, Bitch!" I shouted so he could hear me in the living room. Smiling satisfied as I heard him laugh behind my door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, lovelies Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think Your feedback really makes my day.
> 
> There's some of the fluff I promised but i'm sure you all are bit peeved at my lack of Josh/Maya, just you guys wait, it's coming!
> 
> Please comment and tell what you think about Maya and Zay. I can't wait to hear. Alright, Love you guys.
> 
> ~Geni


	9. Just For A Second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little spoilers for next chapters you should know:Josh and Zay are gonna have a little maybe not so little hashing out reeeaall soon, may even jump start Mayas decision making.
> 
> Muahahahah! :D
> 
> What team are you on? Zaya or Joshaya? Let me know.
> 
> Thanks Lovelies see you soon
> 
> ~Geni

Chapter 9: Just For A Second

Josh's POV

I had a plan. I swear that I did. I just got a tinsy bit distracted. And I know what you're thinking,

'Alright Josh so you got a bit distracted. That still doesn't explain why the hell you've been following your little niece and her friends for what's nearing a half hour like some sort of creep.'

I don't really have a good answer for that one, but after spending nearly an hour outside the fair entrance, waiting for their arrival I had instantly saw them all walk in. I had envisioned myself walking straight up to them and inviting myself to pass the evening with the group. Knowing that Riley was far too charismatic to turn me away and Ava was far too energetic to care.

But, now it was closing in on 40 minutes and I still hadn't announced my presence. Cowardice gurgling low in my stomach sabotaging my plan.

My brain nearly short-circuited when I first saw them. Riley and Ava had semi-coordinated outfits; both wearing frilly dresses in muted colors and high boots, hair loose and hanging on the arms of their boyfriends. Maya, on the other hand, wore ripped jeans and a loose fitting Supernatural tank top. Her hair pulled back into a messy ponytail, hardly containing the mess of blonde tresses trying to escape- framing her face perfectly. She looked absolutely breathtaking. I could tell by the slightly disdained look Ava gave her every few moments her clothing was an act of defiance. I loved it.

As I continued to watch them walk aimlessly I wondered how they had gotten her to agree to coming to an amusement park anyway. If I remembered anything about Maya (and I remember everything) I knew for sure, she absolutely loathed heights and rather swim with sharks then ride a roller coaster.

I was close enough to see her crystal eyes widen at something Lucas had said. Riley and Ava visibly excited and full blown sprinting in the direction of The Cyclone. Slowly the group began to walk away from Maya. Obvious protest present on Lucas's shoulders. Most likely making sure Maya was certain she didn't want one of them to stay with her. I watched her ponytail loosen with the urgency of her head shake.

Like the coward I am, I waited for everyone to get on the line and out of sight, before approaching Maya by a funnel-cake stand.

Don't be weak, Matthews. She wouldn't.

Her back was to me as I stood behind her on the line. My mouth opened twice- no words making a sound- before she used hers.

"You know, I said 'let's be friends', Uncle Boing. Not 'lets stalk me'" Her golden hair swung round while she turned to face me. A sarcastic smile fixed to her pink lips.

I released a gust of air, just now realizing I had been holding my breath.

"Ahem", I cleared my throat. In a poor attempt at acting casual, "H-hey. Hi, Maya. Weird seeing you here. I had no id-" I stopped. The raise of her eyebrow interrupting me. She looked at me in silence for several seconds before breaking the reticence.

"No, no. Continue." She said disapprovingly. "Continue to lie. I would just love to hear what possible reason you would have to be at Coney Island." Arms crossed, half facing me, half facing the cart. Blue gaze penetrating, I stopped. Defense had coated my tongue like a solvent. Prepared to spin a false tale of fate, woe and coincidences.

Lies got you in this mess in the first place.

"I never took you for a liar, Josh. But over the last couple of days you've proved to be more than capable of doing it." Her eyes pierced through me. I reveled in the the pain it brought.

You see, I lived four years without Maya's smiles, her eyes, her passion, her anger. I missed four years worth of her expressions. 208 weeks of feeling the sensation of every ounce of emotion she had to offer lost- Wasted. That's 1,456 days I'll never get back. But who's counting? I will take anything she has to give as gift. Be it flames or flowers she expels upon me.

That being said, her words left a unshakable ache. The reality is; this is the first time I was telling her the truth about my feelings. Allowing the nearly desperate, completely pathetic hold she had on my existence-something I had perfected the art of hiding from everyone-visible not only in my words but in my eyes, within my bones, on my skin radiating the shameless torrent of love I carried for her. So clearly evident in every move I made and still she can't- won't- see it.

It takes me a mont to realise I was the one who made her blind to it

Absconding my internal monologue I raise my arms in surrender.

She deserves better than being lied to.

"Corey told me you guys- You in specific- were going to be here and naturally I thought i'd invite myself along."

"Naturally" she repeated handing the cashier some bills, with a smile that said 'Thank You'. I tried not to be jealous of him.

"Because asking to meet up with us was too difficult a feat" She sassed, but there was no heat behind her words. Just a soft smile that did unspeakable things to my will.

"Well," I signed dramatically. "I wasn't sure you guys would have actually show'd had you known I'd be here"

Her head turned down, a curtain of long-ish blonde bangs hiding her beautiful face from me. Physically restraining myself from grabbing her face between both hands as to properly gaze upon those blue oceans, Maya insisted were her eyes, I shove both traitrious hands in my pockets.

"That's not true, Josh" My girl said softly, although I could see the struggle in her eyes.

Smiling I spoke back just as softly, "Yes it is"

The silence became thick for several minutes before the loud yell of "Next on line, please!" was ordered by the grumpy middle aged Cashier with a receding hairline and severely chapped lips.

Walking towards some questionably sanitized tables, she pushed several strands of hair behind her ear trying to stuff them back into her pony tail. It was then that I noticed, a small miracle within itself, considering the slither of the something I saw. Without thinking I reached out-

"Hey!" She fixed me with a stern glare. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" She exclaimed. Shit! Fuck! I wasn't thinking.

"I-I'm sorry I thought-..." She stared expectantly, " Maya, do you have a tattoo?"

"Oh"

"Oh?" Ocean blue eyes, swimming in mischief and sin enticed me. She was like a power socket and I was just begging to be shocked.

Pulling her hair tie off, she bent over in front of me making sure to gather each strand of flawless golden hair before turning her back to me and showing me her ink. My breath caught as I was assulted by the scent of her lemon shampoo. My arms hyper aware of how close her body was to mine. Of how incredibly easy it would be to wrap my arms around her waist and bury my nose in those princess curls.

Keep your hands in your damn pockets Matthews.

In a deep blue, персики was written an elegant script.

"It says Peaches" she whispers, slowly turning back to me. Her eyes meet mine and the world slows just for a moment "S- ahem. Sorry " She clears her throat stepping away. Hair left loose she looks down at the grown nervously before seeming to regain… Something- I can't identify.

" Didn't't realize how close I was" She explained with no preamble.

"I'm not complaining" I say just as lowly.

"Do you go around touching a lot of girls' tattoos?" She tries to joke, but I notice how tense she is. Still- I can't pull my eyes away from her lips long enough to care.

"Only the incredibly beautiful blondes who are actual certified Badasses",She laughs and my heart soars.

With a hand on her hip she responds, "Sorry, hun. There's only one and she's me"

"...Exactly" A few moments pass in silence before she shakes her head almost violently, as if she leaving a daydream or escaping a trance.

"Wanna know what language it is or why peaches?" I had already figured it was due to the nicknames her and Riley had acquired when they were in middle school, however I'd agree to watch paint dry for entire days if it kept her talking to me. Although the odd letters did in fact piqued my interest.

"Alright, I'll bite" I quip.

"Please you wish you could" Ducking my head I pray it's dark enough out to hide my blush.

"What language is It,Maya"

Her smile is blinding, "Russian" she say excitedly. Raising the nearly forgotten sugary dough to her lips she takes a large bite of her funnel cake. White powder paints her lips in a way so cute I had to refrain from pinching her cheeks. I stare unabashed as she munches on her snack. Hoping against all hope that I hadn't began to drool the moment a quick pink tongue ran across sinfully full lips. My muscles tightening as I forced my eyes away before she had the chance to notice.

"Why Russian?" I choked out.

"Well," she began. Next thing I know she's gone on a 20 minute tandem on how underappreciated James Buchanan Barnes was in the eyes of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The dismissal of "How truly inspirational he is. I mean, he was a literal weapon personified, Josh. Forced to interpret himself as exactly that. Nothing more, nothing less. A senseless tool! The man had emotions and his brain was placed in a blender at the moment he became familiar with them."

Followed by another 20 minutes of, "Oh and how absolutely in-fucking-love him and Steve are! You CAN NOT tell me those two aren't hella gay for each other I refuse to hear it!" I listened intently, piping in when called upon in regards to her absolute proof that Stucky(Steve/Captain America and Bucky/Winter Soldier) were in love.

She looked insane. Hands flying to and from her body face contorting into child like joy followed by frustrated scowls capable of bringing the world to its knees. Then back again.

I forgot how utterly enthralling it was to hold a conversation with Maya Hart. My stomach hurt from laughing so much, hands shook from both the overwheming joy that just being in her presence left in its wake and the desprate way they desired to bring her petite frame closer to pumping faster with each move she made closer to me, I was sure I would have a stroke before the night was done.

"Okay, okay. I concede Bucky and Steve are gay for each other! Happy now?" I laugh.

"I'm oozing ecstasy"

" What does any of this have to do with you getting a tattoo of the word peaches in Russia?"

"Oh yeah, duh. Guess I went through a bit of a spiral huh?"

"A bit?" She flips me off.

My heart swells happily.

"Bucky was taken by the Soviet Union for seventy years,remember. His native language was manipulated to be Russian. All the English scrambled from his mind before Steve help-"

"Hell no! Not happening again. I get it;Cap and The Asset are getting it on in Wakanda. I get it"

Smiling so brightly I question if Maya has somehow become the entirety of the sun she wipes away a fake tear. "I've converted another. I'm so proud."

"Anyway. Aside from my fandom-as Ava says its called-obsession I wanted Riley with me in Cali. A piece of her, I guess. And we're each others peaches, so I thought it was better than getting the image used by billions of teenage boys as a emoji for women's asses. So…" She trails off and I fall in love all over.

"Stop that!" She shouts after a moment.

"Stop what?"

"That thing with your face when you're happy. It's nauseating."

I've never smiled so large.

"It's your fault I don't enjoy these types of things like a normal person" Her small hands moved to push me away jokingly. I stared into her eyes, feeling myself falling deeper and deeper into the beauty that was this woman in front of me. I breathed in a gulp of air, subtlety reminding my lungs I needed to breathe in order to talk to her(or live for that matter).

It had been almost two hours since everyone left Maya for The Cyclone. After an hour we both figured everyone was utilizing the rides Maya would refuse to join them before attending all the games. And decided to get a head start ourselves.

"It was the teacup ride, Maya!"

"W-well you were g-going astronomically fast!" She stumbled over the words in her rush to yell them at me. Blue eyes ignited with mirth. In that instance, her pale arms full with the large Jamaican banana she'd won herself (after several failed attempts on my part), her flame petaled lips pulled into a small smirk. Close enough to me so she wouldn't have to yell over the crowd-I realized she'd forgotten all the pain I'd caused. That for a second she'd forgiven me.

I hadn't realized I'd spoken my thoughts aloud though till she said-

"Just for a second"


	10. So Much Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey babies!
> 
> Yes I'm posting early! I felt you guys deserved a little treat considering how long the story was on hold.
> 
> But anyway! I got some complaints on the lack of Joshaya. Not wanting to dissapoint, this is a little gift to those just itching for Joshaya fluff. Remember though Maya still hasn't made her choice so dont be too sure who truly holds her heart.
> 
> Also, it was brought to my attention that I should warn you all this story is a pretty slow burn. Really expierencing Mayas turmoil and Josh's growth on the topic of loving others is going to take a while.
> 
> Anyhow! I really hope you all enjoy and comment. Let me know what you think. Your comments really give me some good ideas and a lot of motivation to keep posting. :D
> 
> Thats all for now, Lovelies. Enjoy!
> 
> ~Geni
> 
> I dont own Girl meets world or any of their characters.

Maya's POV

It took every molecule within my body from bringing his ridiculously dopey smile down to my eager lips. The last two hours were the most comfortable I have been near Josh since before high school. By the time I realized how deeply my devotion for Josh had ran, the optimistic and childlike carelessness living in all my actions grew to be something more stress inducing. Had manifested into a butterfly rousing mess of nerves. Resulting in embarrassing lapses of non-badass behavior.

The last two hours had been nothing like I imagined. Before leaving the apartment, Corey had stopped me by the door. Lowly so the others wouldn't hear the older Mathews brother warned me of Josh's' plan. Admitting he was the one who'd given the information. He apologized and swept a gentle kiss to my forehead promising to come up with something to spare me if I felt it was necessary.

"Its okay,Core. Thanks for warning me."

I had found myself smiling genuinely as I shook me head. Letting him know I wasn't angry with him. Giving a quick wave and promising to let him know if we needed him.

It never refrained from shocking me how utterly lucky I was for having this family. Setting my shoulders I ran after the group, determined to keep things as civil as possible between Josh and I. We had agreed in being friends. So I was determined to be as friendly as the fucking Cat in The Hat! Oh yeah, I was border lining puke worthy niceness.

"Everything alright?" Zays easy voice said, wrapping a heavy arm across my shoulder.

"Yeah" It was probably best if he didn't know about Josh for as long as was humanly possible. It was much more difficult to create a scene in a public park than in your parking lot.

Sending a silent prayer to whatever God was willing to listen we left for Coney Island.

Saying I was less than excited to go was the understatement of the century. Unlike most of my friends I detested rollercoaster and heights and freaky fun houses with their killer clowns. It made me antsy, yet I was resigned. Just ready to let the misery have me. Once again, I wasn't expecting the turn the evening had in store for me.

Among the assortment of worst case scenarios that had plagued my mind on our train ride from Manhattan to Brooklyn, including but not limited to the very possible diegesis of Josh being bitten by a radioactive mosquito and soaring through the sky's of New York to zap me with his heat vision. Why a mosquito would have heat vision is beyond me. Guess I was just preparing for every possible outcome.

The only one I hadn't anticipated was how simple it was to be with Josh. Undramatic and smooth.

Almost as if I could feel his eyes on me, I knew he saw us when we arrived at CI, subtly scanning the entrance I looked for the tousled brown hair and hazel eyes among a sea of carless couples and children.

"I can't believe you're wearing a graphic T-shirt on a triple date, Maya." Ava muttered- not for the first time-disapprovingly. Smirking, I held myself taller, knowing I looked good. Rocking Supernatural merch and nicely fitted ripped jeans. Ora screaming 'I don't give a damn' just as I liked it

Sticking my tongue out I ignored her. Too...too excited? No. Not excited. Just anxious. Yeah. Yeah, I was just anxious. We had agreed to be friends for the sake of the family. Though, i also suspected perhaps this mediated agreement was for the heart kept protected by layers upon layers of concrete and scrap metal. Hidden and shielded away, it still somehow made me do crazy thing. Willing to take whatever Josh was willing to give if not just to have him in my life at all.

As long he kept all this 'I always loved you' nonsense out of the equation their would be no more suffering on my part...For the most part anyway.

Maintaining courteous pleasantries, our family avoided a rift and my selfish heart got to have Josh in the only significant way that eluded destroying whatever was left. What could possibly go wrong?

Everyone made way in search for the oldest ride this death factory had to offer before I migrated towards the Funnel cake stand.

Now I'm excited.

And like the child I am I practically skipped towards all the sugar suley determined to induce type two diabetes. But I didn't care. If I was going to spend countless hours probably not enjoying myself I might as well be on a sugar high as I do it.

I felt him near well before he walk up. Warm eyes nervous yet hopeful. For what, I'm not sure.

I schooled my features into looking indifferent. Watching in well hidden amusement how nervous I made him. I loved how nervous I made him.

I knew I should still be angry. Should act cold and distant. Logically I knew he didn't deserve my tolerance or my forgiveness.

But he smiled at me. And I was a goner.

"I never would've thought you to be a fangirl,Hart" Towering over me Josh lead us towards the selection of carnival games.

The better part of an hour was dedicated to my completely justified obsession with the true love! Between Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes. As well as every current fan theory plaguing the impending season thirteen of Supernatural.

Surely, Josh had no idea what I was talking about. Probably thought I was insane. It reminded me of all the afternoons and school vacations Josh spent countless hours playing board games with Riley and I in grade school. Watching doubled over and gasping for air as we put on Topanga's heels performing concerts and makeshift talent shows.

"There is so much you've missed, Matthews. You think I was a badass before? You've got no idea what I'm cable of" I giggled… Wait. Giggled? Very Badass,Maya. Get a hold on yourself. This isn't a date this is a friendly get together. Better yet its an ambush, no one invited him!

"Yes because your admission of producing copious amounts of fan art is majorly badass."

"Damn straight!" Josh grinned down at me. Letting the silence blanket the air around us.

Standing there beaming effortlessly I couldn't remember the pain.

Although we were both clearly dodging the topic of Zay and the relationship that didn't exist between us, I distracted my turmoil with the constant brushing of Josh's hand against mine.

"C'mon let's get your ass kicked at basketball" Finally, almost as if a sigh ran through my body his big warm hand laced through mine. Pulling me towards a gangly looking teen with skin problems.

"Hey,buddy. For two please."Josh places a couple bills on the plastic counter. I tried not being disappointed by the sudden coldness in my hand.

"You don't-"

"I'm not paying because you're a woman. I'm well aware you're more than capable of paying but I plan on demolishing your ass so I might as well compensate for your embarrassment" Deep pink lips taunted me. Corners of my mouth tugging into a crooked smile I flipped him off.

"Fine!"

The teen pulled a lever releasing four poorly blown basketballs to both of our sections.

A glowing orange and white backboard lit up with what looks like Christmas players side protected by a thin layer of black matching scores blinking in red: |00|. |00|. mocked me.

"Ready?"

"This isn't fair y'know." Shifting my hands ro my hips. "Your like a thousand feet tall. How is little ole me supposed to do this." Without breaking eye contact he tosses the orange ball towards the basket.

Swish!

Ding!

03 Flashes brightly. The ball rolls back toward the pile while the black netting dances with his victory.

With a booming laugh he flashes his perfectly white teeth at me.

"Why are you glaring at me like that?"

"I'm hoping you'll spontaneously burst into flames" I joke. The kid behind the counter snickers loudly and I shine with joy. At least he thinks I'm funny.

"Haha! Not funny."

"I'm pretty sure the kid disagrees with you."

"Enough smack talk,woman. Let's play." Like lightning his arms grab and toss balls into the basket.

Swish! Ding! Swish! Ding! Swish Ding!

The machine shouts his triumph.

"Oh shit. Fuck. Shit." A filthy amount of absences slip past my lips without my permission. I fling the offending balls forward in reckless abandon.

"Nice mouth there,Hart"

"Bite me" I growl frustrated.

The black metal plate comes up. Signaling this is the last set of four balls dispensed.

"Damn!"

Now, I'm not proud of what I did next. But…

Staring at our individual scores |45|. |15|. Insult me. Oh fuck it I've already lost.

"Maya, don't you." Huh,maybe he saw me smirk. With a renewed sense of motivation. I start throwing my last four balls at his as soon as they leave his hands.

"Maya stop!"

"Never" laughter bubbles up my chest at his defeated grunts. My balls bumping his before they get the chance to score.

The teen is in hestarics beside us as he watches the mania unfold before him.

Eeeehhh! The buzzard blares loudly. Signaling the end of our rounds.

"Haha I won" I shrieked in success.

"Prph-wh-Won? You did no such thing,cheater" He splutters. But I can see the smile fighting its way through.

"Yes! Won. You need at least 51 pints to get a prize reward for winning. No prize equals you're a loser. You losing equals me happy!" I point to the sign proving me right. Dried bright blue drooping spray paint read 'NEED 51 TO WIN'

"Cry me a river, cry me a sea  
You're a lousy nobody.  
Bend it, crank it, shove it, yank it.  
Kicked your ass! ...Come here ...I'll SPANK IT!" I chant, running behind him to smack his butt.

"Maya!" He moves before I can but he laughs anyway.

"Oh my God." The kid cries behind us but I'm on a roll. Chasing Josh in a circle I come around and smack his ass twice for good measure.

"Maya-"

"Ooooo, baby! Dooooo baby!  
Who ya gonna sue baby?!  
Kicked yer puppy. Choked yer cat  
Guess you really ain't ALL THAT!" Screaming loudly I move my arms and legs like a cheerleader. Kicking and punching the air like a lunatic.

"She's insane!" The kid snickers "How do you live with her?"

I turn to let the kid know their ain't no dealing with Maya Hart when a large body lifts me up into the air. Before you know it, I'm slung over Joshua Matthews shoulders like a freaking rag doll.

"Joshua Gabriel Matthews. You put me down this instant!"

"Oh not so giddy now are you, Gorgeous!"

"Josh!" I feel his laughter vibrating through my ribcage.

Banging my fists against his back I squirm, trying to dislodge myself before I allow myself to fully register the electricity thrumming on every nerve in my body. Biting my lip I fight the groan clawing at my throat.

Josh turns towards the boy again making me clutch to him tighter.

"Don't you drop me, you jolly green giant"

Chuckling he ignores me.

"Listen kid, you don't live with a girl like this one." He jostles me up for emphasis and I cling harder.

"Hey I'm right here." Again he pays me no mind.

"You live for her, y'hear?" Without another word or another glance on my part. Body facing the opposite way he starts walking away. My face burns while I try to fight off a smile. Josh may have broken my heart on several occasions but there was always a reason I forgave him without a thought... He sure was the charmer.

Finally getting a look at the kid. I see he looks almost contemplative. Attempting to lighten the air before I do something crazy like kiss the fool who pushed me away I call out "Hey kid! There ain't no other girls like m- Hey!" Roaring out a laugh.

"Who said you could smack my ass!"

"You smacked mine first!"

"Put me down, Lug. Then and only then will I think of forgiving you" Knowing he's already forgive. Might as well make him work for it though.

Without a reply he tosses me up and catches me by my waist. The scream lodges itself in my throat as we realize how close we are. Feet still dangling in the air, I'm flush to the older mans strong chest.

The fading smile lingers on his lips. Up close I see hints of rising stubble. I wonder how it would feel against my cheek... Beneath me lips… Our breaths mingle together sesualy. Sending shivers down my spine.

"Josh" I whisper breaking the trance.

"Yes,Maya" He replies just as softly.

"Could you, umm. Maybe put me down now?"

"Oh.Oh! Yeah, yeah." Finally he sets me down gently laughing nervously, "Sorry"

"Its fine. That, err was fun. Really."

Our eyes stay glued to one another drinking in the effortlessly happy Ora we are expelling.

"God...You're beautiful" Josh says-almost to himself. Staring at my beat up converse I demand the butterflies in my stomach to calm the hell down. Surely he must hear my heart beating so fast.

"Umm. It'll probably be another hour until everyone is done exploring. Wanna play another games?...or something" Running shaky fingers through my hair I take a small- but noticeable step back.

"Sure"

Smiling I try to get a hold of myself.

Come on, Maya. Don't let yourself fall back into this man. Get a grip. This is strictly friendship.

"Go out with me"

"What!?" I shriek. My neck snaps painfully to crane up at Josh.

Friendship.

"Go out with me" He repeats.

Squaring my shoulders I prepare myself for a fight. "Excuse me but as far as your concerned I have a boyfriend, remember? What do you take me for?" Pushing loose strands from my face I try-again- to get a hold of my stupid heart. Picking my words carefully I disguise the excitement in the urgency within harsh tones.

"A-As. I mean as friends" The older man amends.

"Oh...Well, I'm not really Sure,Josh" Phew! Okay. Just friends. Good. I am most definitely not disappointed.

"Okay. Alright, how about I play you for it."

Fighting back a smile I raise an eyebrow contemplative.

"Play me?"

"Yes" Smirking he began, "I bet you one date you leave this carnival today with one of those Jamaican Banana things we've been seeing all night."

"O...Okay" I say. Surprising myself. Josh's eyes widen comically as well. Clearly I still have the power to shock him.

"However. There is one condition." I start, "You can't pick some easy game like basketball or skeeball. No, I get to choose"

"Deal!" The raven haired man eagerly agrees.

Turning my back to him I scan each game in my sight. Seeing a series of tactful amusements but nothing hard enough to beat him at. Nothing guarantees a loss on his part.

Then I see it…

"That one!" A shiny manicured finger points to my right, a cocky smirk playing at my lips. Get ready ladies and gentlemen.

"That one?"

"That one." Arms crossed I stomp over to the stand guarded by a tall burly guy with a beard and in camo.

"What the hell do you know about shooting?"

"Who said I know anything about shooting? However, no one had to tell me that you don't have the faintest idea about it"

Scoffing he smacks down a couple bills to the plastic counter.

"Whenever you're ready, bud." The bearded man grumbles in a deep bravado.

The conveyor roars to life pulling along the metal deer moving across the line in a moderate speed.

Clonk...speew...clonk...click… Clonk..

Ha! With a frustrated sigh, Josh pulls out more bills smacking them down.

"Hey what are you doing!?"

"You didn't limit how many times I could try" Biting my lip I raise my hand in surrender. Cheeky little shit. Fine let 'em spend his money. Hoping up on the counter beside the carni. I nod for him to continue.

By the ninth attempt I'm trying not to fall with laughter.

"Josh that's enough, your not gonna win!" Dave- the carni we had become well acquainted with after around attempt number 4-called out

"Okay I've seen enough" Uncrossing my legs I hop down giving Dave a nice pat.

"Let me show you boys how it's done"

Doubt evident in Josh's features just goads me on.

Wait and see, baby.

Resting the counterfeit rifle to my shoulder I take a deep breath. Listening for when Dave pushes the button bringing the conveyer to life then-

I pull the trigger… Again. And again. And seven more times.

Stepping back proud, I examine my results. A wide smile takes over my face reading the nine out of ten metallic deer knocked down.

Bouncing towards the two men, I direct my full attention to Dave.

"One banana please." I beam. Chuckling the other man turns to retrieve the giant plush toy.

"Close your mouth Joshy, boy. You'll catch flies" I stage whisper.

Returning with the large yellow pillow, Dave hands me my prize.

"Thank You,Dave" I say sweetly.

"No probably,sugar"

It's then that I realize Josh's surprise has morphed into...triumph?

"What are you smiling at? You just lost" A sharp hand on my hip as the other held my Banana. I should name him Benny or Beanie. Ooo Beanie! That'll annoy Josh.

"You just lost" The jackass sings.

"Excuse me?" I scoff, "I just kicked your ass, man! You're crazy! You must of paid like $30 and hit one deer."

"The agreement was one date if you left this place with a Jamaican Banana. You never specified I would have to be the one who won it."

...

Oh. .

"What was that cheer again, M? Oh yeah.

"m'Ooooo, baby! Dooooo baby!  
Who ya gonna sue baby?!  
Kicked yer puppy. Choked yer cat  
Guess you really ain't ALL THAT!'"

Dave lost his shit! I just agreed to a date with Joshua Matthews. Holy shit!

"Close your mouth, Maya baby. You'll catch flies" Cheeky fucker!

"Excuse me, Dave. That purple kitten is looking really cute" I breath, grappling for a way out.

"Sorry sweets," The bearded man jabs a thumb to the sign behind him. Reading in big green letters NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES WHATSOEVER.

Still forcing a smile I silently hand him my prize. "Excuse me, please as I make a scene " Clearing my throat I get ready to scream. But josh slams a hand against my lips before I can.

"Nuh-uh. We had a deal,Hart. No way you're getting out. You. Me. Fancy dinner. It's the deal"

I yell muffled curses against his hand, squirming below the arm firmly wrapped around my waist.

"Not letting go till you promise,sweet hear- Eww, Maya!" Hahahaha...I licked his hand, I mentally giggle.

"Help! Help me. This man is kidnappings mehfgfhgfh" He covers my mouth again.

"Damn, Rudy wasn't kidding" Dave suddenly says.

"Rudy?" Josh and I say in unison. Although mine comes out more as 'mrhuudeyy'

"Yeah. The kid manning the basketball stand. And Martha. And virtually every other stand the two of you have visited today was left impressed with your girl here"

"I'm sure they were" Josh agrees before directing his attention on me. "Are you gonna behave?" He asks.

Shaking my hands around our faces I make random noises under his hand just to annoy him.

"Maya"

"Fine" I say enunciating enough for him to hear.

As he lets go I push away the disappointment at the lack of his warmth.

I reach out for Beanie. Thanking Dave and making him promise to keep in touch.

We walked and talked for only God knows how long. Laughing and sharing memories of childhood.

It wasn't until the innocent discussion of where my fear of heights and rides originated that the night took that turn I mentioned before.

"W-well you were g-going astronomically fast!" I shouted, stuttering in my haste to say it all. Grinning I stared up at Josh as we walked. Breathing easier than I could ever remember before.

"S'good" he murmurs. "You've forgotten all the pain. Forgiven me for this second"

Snapping back to reality I physically shake myself stepping a little further away.

"Just for a second" Internally I pray Josh just lets it go.

Don't ruin the night, Josh.

"Where'd you learn to shoot like that?" Silently I thank him for changing the subject.

Looking at my shoes we walk aimlessly through the park. "Well through my cousin Sarah and her dad. Whenever my dad ever actually showed up for his turns to have me over breaks and stuff he'd just leave me with his brother and come back in time to bring me back to mom." Looking up I see his eyes intensely watching my every move.

"They live on a farm in the country and they just sorta taught me"

Josh stops walking making me stop as well. Pushing a strand of hair from my face, he whispers, "I'm sorry about your dad, Gorgeous."

"Yeah well. No one is obligated to want me if they don't." I say pointedly. Regretting it almost instantly.

Just let it go,Josh. Don't ruin it.

Silence sweeps through the air awkwardly before, "I want you."

"Josh-"

"No. listen to me, Maya. I want you. And there isn't a thing on earth that you can say to stop me from fighting for is not a man alive that will convince me they're worthy of you. We have belonged to each-other from the moment Corey brought you to play with Riley at my house."

"You were seven years old and even then you were the most amazing thing I had ever laid eyes on. Maya, you've been mine since then. Not you, not me, not even Dean Winchester himself could change that" I chuckle softly despite myself. Feeling an eternal battle brewing inside me.

I waited literal years- well over a decade for Josh to speak so lovingly and sure. Dreamt of the feeling that would rise in my throat, warmth blooming in my chest. A bouquet of fiery red roses growing on my skin. Yet here he was and all I could feel was terrified. Bone chilling fear. Petrified his words were untrue or under some form of guilt and obligation. A venomous taste drying my mouth made me freeze without words.

I also feared that what he spoke was true. I feared every wish I'd sent to the skies had not fallen on deaf ears. Knowing he lov-cared for me and still chose to hurt me surely meant he couldn't have cared enough.

Either way, I remain hurt and less. Either way I betray myself and Zay. Oh God. Zay. What would he think of me now? Once again falling at the feet of the man who had single handedly sent me on a destructive spiral of self doubt and pain. What would he say if he saw how little I cared about the past I suffered just to get a small taste at Joshua Matthews.

He'd say I was pathetic. He'd think I got what I deserved. Still…

I couldn't bring myself to care.

Maybe it was the sugar or the sweet simple evening we had shared. Perhaps it was the full moon drowning any logic I may have once possessed but when large calloused hands came to rest on either side of my face, I suppress a moan with a sharp bite to my lower lip.

Shivers ran down my spine as the pad of his thumb slowly caressed my cheek and jaw. Not letting us break eye contact for a second.

"I missed you so fucking much, Gorgeous" Josh whispered. Forehead lowering to mine. My hands rose to rest in his wrist. Silently I begged him to stay. If just for a second I can pretend this is how it's meant to be.

"I'd make sure I deserve you. I'll work every moment of every day at getting you to trust me again." Dragging his lips across my cheeks.

Tears threatened to fall before I forcefully blinked them back.

You shouldn't try to impress me, cause you can't.

you're just a kid, Maya

I want a woman who's strong, and beautiful.

I am stronger than this! What am I doing!?

"You stayed in my life for longer than I deserved, Josh" Pulling at his wrists I removed his hands from my flushed face. He wouldn't let go of my hands though. I ignored the thrill that racked through my body.

His eyes at first sad quickly turn fierce as he sees something past my head. Or rather someone.

About fifty feet away Zay stareed. I shifted uncomfortably realizing he's witnessing my very irresponsible lapse in judgment.

"He'll never love you the way I do" He all but growls.

"Excuse me?" I exclaim offended.

Okay, anger. Good. Anger is good. I know how to deal with anger. It's the openly vulnerable and sad area where I struggle. Running shaky fingers through my hair I try to slow my heartbeat down.

"Are you saying you're the only one capable of loving me, because hate to break it to you but you haven't done such a banged up job of it yourself, pal.

"Wait-what? no. Of course not. That's not what I meant at all, all I'm saying is No one is going to love you except for me"

"What!?"

"No! Oh God, I meant no one will love you to the degree that I do."

"In that case I'll never be loved at all,like you say. Considering just how much you care for me." Behind me I feel Zay becoming restless. Probably tempted to interrupt this verbal brawl. However, I know he believes I need to do this. Knows I have to be able to fight and coexist in Josh's world in order to keep my family. He won't get in the way of that. Always proving to be the better choice.

"Stop putting words in my mouth,Maya . You know that's not what I'm saying"

"Oh, well. It's what I'm hearing." I shouted.

"it's amazing to me that when I was literally throwing myself at you. You didn't want me. And suddenly now that i'm over it-over you and how you treated me, you want me?"

"Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I want. You." His hands return to my face keeping my gaze prisoner to his. I absolutely do not repress a groan of pleasure at the heat his body sweeps through my body.

"Ugh!" I shout, "You drive me insane, Josh"

Laughing darkly, he starts, "That's exactly why were perfect together. I want your anger and you love. Your crazy obsessions and cold glare. I want your kisses, your flames." Brushing my hair from my face I listen. Helpless in the unshakable way I want to hear his speech.

Whispering now he pulls my hands to his chest. "I want you to set me on fire with that flame in your lungs. I want your body and your soul. I . ." Josh growls sharply. Clutching me close. It's everything I've ever wanted Josh to say to me. Every word I knew he wouldn't. But now, for whatever reason he was saying beautiful things that should bring me to my knees. And despite everything inside me I wanted to believe him. But I couldn't.

Maybe he's telling the truth.

Him telling the truth would amount to nearly everything ten year old Maya had dreamt of. Would have killed for.

Still,there was something I must have buried deep in my mind that wanted him to understand what he did. Experience the constant insecurities he pushed on me. The everpresent pang of unworthy. Suffer at the hands of my rejection for a change. Why shouldn't he feel it too? Why should he flash a smile and earn my forgiveness. Deserve my affections, after everything he put me through.

Guilt soon follows such sinister thoughts before I have time to understand them. I shouldn't hate him for not returning my feelings. Shouldn't want him to suffer for something he had a right to feel. Ashamed I can't look him in the eye.

"No matter what you turn into an argument I'm gonna want you. Long after I have You, I'm still gonna want you."

"It doesn't work that way,Josh." I say. Dealing with his confession. Wanting to cry but refusing to make anymore of scene then we already are.

"Maybe you do want me now. But that doesn't change the fact that you threw me away then. I'm not a toy,baby" The pet name-an attempt of bringing some passay sarcasm to the conversation to pacify the very thing I didn't want to experience tonight- came out much to soft. Betraying the seriousness of the argument. "You can't just get rid of me then decide you want me when you see someone else has me.

"Why does he get to have you!"

"Because he does!" I lie. Turning my back to him, ready to walk towards Zay. Maybe he'd be willing to leave early.

A warm hand yanks suddenly at my forearm. Effectively turning me back. Josh looks frantic.

"Yes. What I did before you left for College was wrong,Maya. Appalling. Horrendous. Worst mistake I ever made. But I did it for your own goo-"

"I suggest you don't even think about finishing that sentence." I snarl. Fury dances in my veins. Flirting with the fuel thats swimming with my blood. I pray Josh doesn't light the final match. Because I will Blow. The. Fuck. Up.

He pulls on my arm again, this time I start swinging. A dull thud rings around the strike I sent to his right arm.

"Stop it Josh. You are not my father. Now let me go. I will not tell you again"

"Maya, please-"

"SHE SAID STOP!"

.. So much for not ruining the night.

The worst I'd thought the night could get was some ill advised coaster riding and light food or sugar poisoning(it's a thing!) Perhaps a large mythical creature inhabiting the body of my first love determined to kill me. But I had been wrong... It was so, so much worse.


	11. Always Will Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Lovelies.
> 
> This isn't my favorite chapter, by far, but it's one of those necessary segway types. And I did promise every other Tuesday so here you guys are, I hope its not too bad.
> 
> Now, before we get into it, I want to address the big issue a lot of people are upset about. Many of you want me to reveal which ship is the end result. And honestly, I wanna tell you. But it shatters the perspective I'm going for. However, I have been hinting since the beginning. Clearly not in a obvious way, but I want to explain that's the point.
> 
> The story itself isn't strictly on who does Maya Hart choose. I don't want that to be the main premises. It's exploring the growth through two emotionally stunted people in their mutual respects on the matter. Learning from each other and those around them. Getting them to the point where they can love each other or others properly.
> 
> Anyway, on the bright side soon her choice will be VERY clear. (Still not the point though).
> 
> I really really hope you guys like this chapter and every one after.
> 
> Again, please comment and let me know what you think.
> 
> ~Geni

Josh's POV

One moment Maya is right next to me. Heartbeat steady, talking softly, radiating happiness and warmth. The next, she's somehow ice cold and on fire all at once. My hands rest on either side of her face, so close I can still feel her heartbeat. But I can see in her eyes that she's miles away.

The night rushes past my eyes and I wonder how on earth we got here. The gentle laughs married to innocent touches linger in my lungs and on my skin, yet seems so long ago now. A distant memory in contrast to the intensity we face now.

It's almost painful, the speed of which my heart beats. Like a collision of joy and fear bursting on impact. Breaking my bones with the reminder that this evening, as imperfectly wonderful as it was, managed to slip through my fingers so quickly. My heart races to catch up.

It sinks to my toes as terror gurgles past my vocal cords, grabbing the beautiful woman in front of me, before she can leave. It was so fast. Too fast. I want- I need more time. Desperately!

I berate myself for losing the opportunity to fully appreciate the curve of her lips or the sound of her laugh. She can't leave. Not before I memorize the mischief in her eyes or the softness of her hands. I have to get her to stay. Keep her talking...make her yell. Yeah, arguing, that'll keep her.

We go back and forth for a while as I marvel at the electricity circling between us. I wonder how can I be so frustrated with the blonde while also staying so cripplingly in love with her.

Maya's pale cheeks rush with blood, the fierce look of offense somehow makes her that much more beautiful.

Rushing to wipe the love stuck look off my face, I listen to her voice slow. The angry urgency ebbing away with each word that falls from perfect lush lips.

"You can't just get rid of me then decide you want me when you see someone else has me." Anger flares dangerously, low in my gut.

"Why does he get to have you?" I snarl, jealousy making me visibly shake. She must understand what knowing they are together does to me. Even if she doesn't believe me,-which I'll admit I deserve- even then she must know how this is killing me.

Before I can find another way to keep her here with me. Where she fucking belongs, Zay is standing in front of me.

Hands blindly reaching out for Maya. Zay take hold of my gaze. The air surrounding him assuming the position next to the her. As if to say 'this is where I belong'. If he thinks he can just show up on his high horse and take Maya away, he's got another thing coming. Because the only man who belongs beside this incredible woman is me.

I promised myself I would prove I deserved her. Something I fully intend on doing.

Fighting may not seem like the most affective or loving approach to a relationship. But trust me it is for us. I've told her many years ago, that she has the greatest capacity for love I have ever seen. But that's not broad enough to be true. Maya held the greatest capacity for emotion. Every single one. As long as it kept her caring. Anger, love, or fear. It all retained her connection to you. Held your importance in her life. When the yelling stops, that is when I'll begin to worry. All that'll tell me is there's nothing left to fight for.

"Let go of her,Josh" The younger boy says roughly.

Only then do I realize I'm still holding on to Maya's arm. Quickly releasing the limb, I focus my attention to the blonde to apologize.

"M, Riley is waiting for you by the bumper cars, she's been hysterical looking for you." He began, "You should go let her know your okay." The dark skinned boy says never looking away from me. I glare right back, refusing to be first to look away.

From the corner of my eye, I watch Maya look between us. Worry clear in crystal blue eyes.

"Zay...You promised me" Raising an eyebrow I wait for him to address her.

Breaking our staring contest he turns to Maya, taking hold of one of her hands.

Fighting the urge to rip them apart, throw Maya across my shoulder and run to a deserted island, made just for the two of us, I listen intently to their conversation. A poor distraction from the distinctly comfortable contact between the two. But my only one.

"And I intend to keep that promise, Curly. Don't worry. Now, go find Riley. I'll catch up in a second."

"Okay" she mumbles softly. Chancing a glace at me before turning just as quickly as she looked.

Neither one of us spoke until we were sure she was out of earshot. Resuming the staring contest until we were sure she was.

"As pretty as I am. I know you didn't stay just to appreciate my bone structure. So let's skip the formalities, shall we?"

The younger boy laughs darkly, squaring his shoulders in preparation for a fight.

Coreys words from the other day the only thing keeping me from giving him what we both clearly want.

"you're real funny, Josh" he deadpans.

"Why thank you, I was thinking about taking on stand up comedy. Take to the road. Preform for the public, y'know. See where it takes me"

"Far away I hope"

Narrowing my eyes I grind my teeth silently,"Just say what you have to say, Zay. I don't have all day" At my sides my hands shake violently.

It would be so easy to wrap my finger around his throat or tackle him to the ground. And while I remember Corey's warning that fighting the boy in front of me will do more harm than good for my relationship with Maya I've never wanted to hurt another person more in my life.

The very person who gets to go home with her each night. The man who's allowed to hold her hand whenever he wants. Presses sweet and rough and lazy kisses to soft perfect lips. Lips I've only experienced once.

How come he can share a bed with the woman of my dreams, dopey smile on his face and I can't pummel him to the ground, just a little!?

Because it would destroy Maya. The little voice in the back of my mind reasons.

"You know that girl always forgave you." He said with distaste. "She always loved you. And no matter what you did or said she let you back in, even after every time you threw her to the ground."

"But guess what? You pushed too hard. And waited too long. Because this time when you pushed her-literally- from your threw her into mine. And I won't be dumb enough to let her go"

"I'd never expect you to" I manage to say with limited hostility.

"Then we're done here" He replies proud at holding the bulk of the conversation. Brown eyes satisfied with my lack of response he turns to leave.

"Quick question, Isaiah" I barked. Unable to help myself.

"There's a significant difference between a man who truly loves someone; aiming for a life together and a man who wants you just so no other man can have you." Taking small steps forward I get myself close enough where I'm towering over the boy, but still far enough where I can still control myself.

"Where's the question, Joshua" He snaps.

Shrugging, I look him up and down before answering, "Which one are you?"

"Go fuck yourself,Matthews" Zay spits getting even closer.

A thrill runs up my spine. Fists balled up beside me, waiting…

Come on. Come on!

Hit me. Hit me, damn it! Give me an excuse to put your ass down.

The image is like glass behind my eyelids. I would stand above him, knuckles abused, blood harshly announcing my victory...Maya's fear. Small body crouched low. Pale skin touching his, concerned and loving before hate would claim her heart. Soft curves turning to sharp edges. Cutting me with just my eyes bearing witness to the change.

I step back. Though it's not enough for Zay to take note. I see his resolve waning. Eyes twitching while he debates the impending fight with muddled anger. I'm thinking of how else I can press his buttons before our heads snap in the direction of the girl it's all about. The only girl in the world that matters.

"Zay! C'mon let's just go" Maya shouts from across the lot. A nervous crease marks her face with concern. Its that look that makes me step back. This time he notices.

"I better get back to my girl. See you around, Joshua" Jogging over to the love of my life, I ignore the pang in my chest as she returns the hug he immediately pulled her into. Eyes burning, I fight off the tears and give in to the nausea that follows the rough kiss he smacks against her mouth. I can't look for long. Knowing if I do, all the cotton candy and sugar Maya insisted on sharing would all come right back up.

There's nothing left for me here.

The thought of spending the rest of the evening with all of them leads me home. A Zay shaped barrier constantly reminding me of my mistakes would be too much for me. A torture I'm not yet willing to endure.

Walking past the entrance and towards the train station I can't bring myself to regret the night. I haven't seen Maya laugh like that in years. We spoke so freely about so much. It made me feel like a schoolgirl. Reminding me of why I've decided to do this.

In the moments like just now, where there is only anger. I wonder if love is worth fighting for, worth suffering and risking rejection, but then I see her face… And I'm ready for war.

The emptiness of my apartment reflects the loneliness in my life. I sit on the blue couch in silence. Bathing in the glow of the evening.

Biting my lip I try to stop the smile threatening to split my face in half.

She may think she hides it well, but I could see her sky blue eyes tracing my face, making me fly.

I think of our impending date and how gorgeous she looked surprised. The game may not have gone as well as I had hoped for myself, but God did she look good in control. Maya is a strong woman, one who knew how to wear it. Well.

Her thoughtless joy, however kept her from seeing her mistake. I hoped that on some level she had purposefully chosen that silly prize despite knowing how unlikely it was.

The night dragged after that. The urge to call her growing stronger each tantalizing second. Clicking my phone on, I read the digital clock with contempt. Luminous white text displaying 1:27a.m.

I consider my options.

Corey is probably asleep. If I woke him now, even if by some miracle he wanted to give me Maya's number he wouldn't. Just to spite me for waking him.

Tapping my leg excessively, I think of calling Riley. Surely she's awake. There's a chance she would help me. Sweet considerate Riley. With her on my side, my chance of regaining a place in Maya's good graces increases, even if just slightly.

Fingers run across the screen, the delicate hum of the dial tone makes me itch. Stressed, my fingernails bite into my palm.

"Hello? Uncle Josh?"

"Hey! How'd you know it was me?" The question leaves my mouth before my palm finds my forehead. How stupid can I… Ugh!

Screwing my eyes shut painfully I wait for her response, "Is that a joke, Uncle Josh?"

"Sure" Sighing, I sit up pushing my elbows to my knees.

The words clog up in my throat. How am I supposed to do this. How can I put my baby niece in the position of either staying loyal to her uncle or respecting the privacy of her best friend. Practically her sister!

I am truly trash. The scum of the earth. A villain! Worst part being, while I know that is all true, it doesn't stop me.

"Listen, Riles" Clearing my throat, I prepare myself to grovel. Taking the moment to note how there was literally nothing beneath me when it came to Maya. There was no sewer I wouldn't stoop to in order to reach her. There isn't a level of embarrassment or ficture of hardship above my willing participation. Nothing on earth worth denying her. Not a single thing.

"I was, Uh, wondering if maybe-"

"631-426-7914"

"Huh" Confusion colors my tone with vibrant excited hues of blue and gold. Almost as if the wind has been knocked out of me, the echoing of my labored breaths sound through the phone.

"Wait wait wait" I shout. "Don't hang up, Riley" Sock covered feet pad down the hall and into the kitchen. Rummaging through cluttered drawers, not a single pen seen in sight. Where in the hell are all my pens, I curse. Tossing the contents of the designated junk drawer, long finger blindly search for anything that can write.

Oh, God! I'll take a fucking crayon! How can there not be a single writing appliance I'm this entire kitchen!?

"Aha!' I exclaim victorious. A refugee jammed between two old Chinese menus, two dozen packets of condiment packets and about a thousand chopsticks (Don't judge. I eat a lot of lo mein.)

"Riley, you still there?"

"Yeah, got a pad?" Shutting my eyes tightly I refrain from asking for another minute to look for one.

Instead I reply, "Yeah, of course."

"Ink poisoning is a thing, Uncle Josh. You really shouldn't write on your hand" The petite brunette chastises. Her tone a direct reflection of how fiercely loyal she is, just like her mother.

"Riley" I whine, rather than beg.

Sighing like a disappointed parent she repeats the numbers slower. Mindful of the desperate Uncle pestering her for her best friends number. Aware he'd probably gotten the dullest pen available in the apartment, while also writing on the palm of his hand as opposed to a much more reliable and eternally more reasonable piece of paper.

"Thank you so much, Riley. I can't tell y-" She interrupts.

"Yes, yes. I'm great. We need to talk." Without room for argument her voice slices through all praiseful thoughts.

"Okay…"

"I am not giving you Maya's number out of familial obligation or loyalty. Because she is just as much family to me as you. Giving you that number for any other reason except I genuinely think it will help fix things between the two of you would then imply otherwise. Understood?" Before I can mutter an agreement she's already resumed.

"What I am trying to tell you is. You are going to fix this, Uncle Josh. My best friend has been keeping things from me. For years, apparently. And while I take a great part of the blame I hold you accountable as well. You have a chance to fix this. And after the little she's disclosed. I am surprised you have this chance at all." Though her voice stays understanding the weight of the words leave a harsh pain in my heart. I can't blame her though. She's absolutely right.

"She loved you as a friend just as much as she had a lover. Thankfully, this gives you an in." Flinching slightly at the use of past tense, I listen intently to every word Riley says.

"I honestly don't care if the two of you become involved romantically, or never speak again, all as long as my sister is happy. As long as you don't hurt her again, Josh."

"I promise Riley, I will never make that mistake again." Voice dropping. I pore as much sensairity into my tone as possible. An unshakable foundation surrounding the words as I build up to its truth.

"Then there's nothing more to say. 'Night, Uncle Josh."

The silence reclaims the space of the apartment. Making me feel like a guest in my home. Intruding on the mute serenity.

It takes about fifteen seconds to tap in her phone number. Five more to make her contact info 'Gorgeous Maya'. Ten minutes to click dial and thirty more before I stop hitting end call.

Running rough fingers through dark brown hair I tug painfully at the strands. I pace my living room for an hour before finally deciding on sending a text.

'I'm sorry about tonight.' ~Josh

Okay, good. I have to keep it light and kind. Taking a deep breath, I try to busy myself around the apartment. Pretending not to be mindful of my phone.

It takes her twelve minutes to reply.

'Did Corey give you my phone number too, or it is Walmart having a sale on stalker starter kits?' ~Your worst nightmare in a dress?

Inside the privacy of my apartment I allow the smile to demand clearance across my face, unashamed.

Then I realize what she said. I guess Corey must have told her he let me know how to find her tonight. I can't blame him.

'Unfortunately no… I had to pay full price' ~Your willingly compliant dreamer

Typing I chuckle softly. Finger hovering above the send for a second longer, hoping I'm not replying too fast.

'What a pity. I heard Target was selling buy 1 get your first hostage free: Ransom not included.' ~Maya-Killer-of-Men.

My skin tingles with butterflies fluttering past my stomach and under my skin.

Hearing her voice in my mind. Like a song you haven't heard in too long, somehow remembering the words anyway.

'Very witty.' ~Boing

'Boing huh?' ~Maya

The simple signing of just her name made me nervous.

'I thought you hated being called Boing. Said so a lot, in fact.~Maya

'And if I changed my mind?' ~Ya-boy-Boing

'I don't see why you would

Also never use the phrase 'ya Boy' again, the world may burst with laughter.' ~Maya

'Duly noted, wouldn't want to cause the annihilation of the earth' ~BOING

'Maybe if things between us get better... Is there something else you wanted to mention? ~M

'Well...about our date…' ~Josh's-Awkward-table-For-Two

'You mean your trap door?' ~Woman-Scorned

I sigh deeply biting the bullet before I have time to change my continuation of her handles making me brave.

'I was thinking my place. I can make pasta'

I freeze unable to come up with a cutesy sign for the message.

Nerves picking up the longer my fingers moved just above each digital letter. Praying something would come to me.

Shaking my head violently I move to backspace the entire message. Ready to overthink a response that won't make her block me. Instead I press send.

If it were possible for my heart to leap straight out of my chest, I'm sure it would have flown out the window. I wonder what the paramedics would predict. Death by texting panic?

Gnawing at my lower lip I stare at the message bubble. The godforsaken white ellipses appearing and disappearing every couple seconds.

Oh fuck!

What the shit! Thinking it was appropriate to invite her to my apartment. Alone for Christ sake! She should have me committed or , or listed! Jeez,I text her at 2 o'clock in the morning after getting into a fight with her and nearly a brawl with her boyfriend. I force the venom past my thoughts in order to criticize myself more thoroughly.

God! I've screwed up.

I know inviting her to my apartment was a long shot, but the thought of filling this pathetic excuse of a home with her lemon scent and bright smiles, was just too tempting.

I never expected her to say yes, but then again I didn't expect her to call either...

The shrill ring of my phone made me jump. Staring at the number below the capital letters spelling 'GORGEOUS MAYA'.

Bringing a lightness to my chest I didn't know was possible.

"Hello?" I say warily. Unsure if I've drifted off to sleep, Mayas sweet voice simply a dream.

"Did you seriously just invite me to your apartment?" It's said in a rapid whisper. Somewhat echoing through the phone.

"Why are you whispering?"

"Because, Handsome. You take my breath away" Maya snorts untractively. "Why do you think? I don't wanna wake Zay"I picture her rolling her eyes.

The jealousy sizzles just beneath the surface while I try to focus on the fact that she's risking a potential argument with her...boyfriend- just to talk to me. I set aside the sick satisfaction in order to answer.

"Yeah, Zay. Of course. Wouldn't wanna do that, would we?"

"Josh don't sta-"

"So, dinner. My place then?" I interrupt, a deepness I didn't recognize possessing my voice.

"Josh, I am not going to your apartment!" I stop myself from laughing at the sound of her whispered shouts, in fear that Maya would hang up.

"Fine, M. You pick where."

There's a beat of silence followed by a fluttering sigh of acceptance.

"Fine" She starts, "Uh… I'm going out tomorrow to pick up my cousin Sarah-"

"The country girl?"

I can hear the smile in her voice, pleasantly surprised that I remembered."Yeah actually"

If only she knew each word she spoke was precious. Every aspect of her life she chose to share with me a privilege she couldn't begin to understand how much I cherished.

"Well, we're picking her up from the airport tomorrow morning. Then taking her about for a little sightseeing after" I try not to flinch at her admission of 'we'. Sure that the younger boy was who she was referring to. Instead, I drink in her voice feeling the approaching end of our conversation.

"But… How 'bout Sunday?... I'll text where to meet me. Sound good?"

Releasing a gust of air I didn't know I was holding I clutch the phone like its gold, "Yeah" I say breathlessly. "Sounds perfect"

"Good," I wish I could see her smile,

"Goodnight… Boing" She whispers like a secret.

"Sweet dreams,Gor-."

"Babe?" A deep far away voice joins my girl.

"It's almost 3 o'clock. Come back to bed, Curly. You can be mad at me in the morning" I don't ask who it is and she doesn't tell me.

Without another word. A soft click sounds through the phone. Ending all communication. All connection left between us. As she went back to him.

Throwing my head back against the cushions, closing my eyes and sighing deeply I imagine a girl with golden princess hair and flawless eyes lit on fire.

She sits beside me where she belongs, humming a gentle song. Lulling me to sleep with a voice like sugar. Incredibly sweet and utterly addictive. I hold her tightly. Harder than I've ever held someone before. she brushes my tears with full pink lips. Then my cheeks, then chin and finally my lips.

"Maya" I say to the emptiness of the room, drifting to sleep, but the girl says nothing...

I spent the greater part of Saturday freaking the Hell! Out.

I couldn't decide what to do with myself. Waiting for a message from a taken woman. A woman who may not even text me back.

That's how I spent my day. Waiting and staring at my phone for Maya's text. But, it never came...

Until three o'clock I busied myself with a series of mindless tasks paired with the knowing anxiety of when and where and how and WHEN! was she going to let me know the details of our not-date.

The phone is within my hands at warp speed the moment I make the decision to just text her first.

'Hey. Did Sarah get here safe?' ~B

The nearly instant response let's an electric shock coarse through my body.

'Hey. Yeah she's passed out now, we really wore her out. On top of the flight and all' ~M

"Keep the girl alive would you? I'd love to hear some country Maya-esq stories. It'd really pull a weight off Lucas' ~B

'Don't you even think about it!' ~M

An evil smile curves at my lips. A level of pride taking over me as I think of her texting me despite being with him.

'Too late'~B

The messages continued for some time before she finally sent me an address to meet her at.

'Is sometime around one okay?' ~M

'Yeah, Gorgeous. It's perfect. I'll meet you there' ~B

'Sweet. I hav 2 go.

and U hav 2 come up with a better nickname. "Gorgeous" isn't one. Ttyl B ~G

Gaping at my phone I trace the small letter gingerly. The smile she gave me held like a gift between my lips.

I am so ready for tomorrow.

New York city has never been a silent place. Far from it actually. It is a storm of loud music, screaming children and angry cab drivers. Vibrant colors dulled by the constant smog, LED lights couldn't overpower. It has always been a consuming contrast to the small town life in Philly where I grew up. My childhood house never really feeling like home. With the constant noise, blinding lights, and never ending party or war(interchangeable really) and all, this is more my home then Philly ever could've been.

While New York truly is the city that never sleeps, there is always one thing every New yorker can confirm. There is one moment that the city is put on pause-just for a second- at the hands of one person.

Upon their arrival, all music disconnects, the children and every cab driver within a 50 mile radius fall silent, while the lights shine brighter behind a clear sky.

And every New yorker lucky enough to have experienced it,will tell you a different name.

Newly straightened blonde hair swings behind Maya like a cape. Her eyes find me across a crowd of strangers, though they appear to part artfully, providing a path she glides through. Bouncing towards me, the smile she wears causes the hairs on my arms to stand on end.

Just so fucking beautiful…

I feel the power she has over me from the distance. The fighter living behind ice blue eyes. Silencing the city with the beautiful strength evident in each step coming in my direction. And like a true hero she has no idea, that just by breathing… She has saved me.

"Hello, Boing"

I mirror her expression, heart thumping violently against my ribs when I feel her tiny fingers wrap around my wrist.

"Let's go" She speaks softly. Looking over her shoulders a bit, but I ignore it, pushing off the Macy's Department store I had been leaning on as I allow her to lead me towards the street.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere that's not here."

"What about our date?" I ask, while the small woman pulls me into Penn Station.

"Not a date, Boing" Smirking, the blonde takes her warmth from my wrist. Reaching into a denim messenger bag she pulls out a set of tickets.

I watch as she slaps them against her palm looking around nervously.

"Mayor Maya!" A vaguely familiar man shouts across the room before half walking half jogging towards us.

A smile breaks across Maya's face before pulling the stranger into a hug.

"Navy Davey" She says back.

I stare hard at the large man, a sinking feeling that I know him.

He finally makes his way to us, prompting the man's face to match a memory from the other night.

"Carnival guy?" With my eyebrows scrunched together and a frown etched onto my face, I'm sure I look odd amidst the two, who are obviously well acquainted and engaged in friendly conversation.

"We actually prefer amusement park specialists" The bearded man chuckles.

"Really!?" My angel laughs.

"Of course not! Just fucking with ya boy here" A thick hand barrels to my shoulder squeezing me respectfully. I let a laugh bubble past my chest, realizing that Maya actually kept in contact with the guy from the other night.

"How come he can say 'ya boy' but I can't?" I pout,mocking a hurt look .

"Oh, brother. Sorry but you don't have the swag to pull that off" Dave says Seriously, not a trace of a joke visible on his sharp edged features. Letting my face fall I seep into the Solemn air.

Maya bursts into a fit of giggles, breaking Dave's mask as he allows himself to tear into a smile.

"Ha ha." I deadpan.

Shaking her head at me, Maya brings the blue and red tickets to Dave's hands.

"Here is what I promised you. I let Meredith know you and Tommy were gallery virgins and what you're planning. So, she's taken it upon herself to have a little something special set up"

"Thank you so much, Maya. You have no idea how much this means to me" Dave's eyes shine with what looks like unshed tears. Something a bit unusual with such a muscular and masculine man expressing with a girl who is practically a stranger. I watch Maya place a pale hand to his shoulder. Her short frame making her raise her arm comically high, though the tenderness edge of the conversation keeps the laugh trapped behind my teeth.

"Don't you ever mention it, Dave. I am thrilled to help. And I am 100% convinced it was destiny to kick this fools ass at your booth," jabbing thumb at me the three of us share a laugh. "So that we could be friends."

He pulls my girl into a sweet hug, handing her a set of keys and two black and white tickets.

"I'm sure you're right, shorty. I'll make sure to send you pictures, y'know if everything goes well, that is"

"You better! And I'm sure it will. Now go, I'll see you in a week"

Dave waves as he makes his way out of Penn station.

I'm not sure what has just happen, but I do know that the look on Maya's face means it was good. And important somehow.

I don't realize I've been staring until Maya elbows me in the stomach.

"Hey! What was that for?" I manage past the coughs and above her laugh.

"You were staring and we have a train to catch" Coyly the blonde scurries down a flight of stares towards a silver bullets promising a switch at Jamaica station.

Gaping at the space that she's left behind I begin after her.

"We are?"

Sinking into aqua blue and green seats on the long island railroad brings the evening into perspective.

"So our date is in…?" I question. Maya throws her bag beside her after throwing herself into the plastic seats.

"Not a date, Josh." She frowns.

"Okay okay" I raise my hands in defense. "Not a date. So, where are we going?"

Raising to her knees excitedly Maya reaches into her bag and pulls out a worn out sketchbook.

"One of my favorite places on earth!" Flipping through a sea of lines and smudges she finds what she's looking for flipping the drawing for me to see. Hugging the back of the book to her chest.

The wind knocks from my own as the intricate assortment of curves and color make love to the page.

"Wow, Gorgeous" I mutter softly.

Among the dark blues and whites of the night sky, there is a detailed lighthouse beside a blonde little girl in awe. Water waring just behind the lighthouse. The structure looked to almost be protecting the girl. On the corner of the picture a sign read in bold letters drawn to look like wood. 'Welcome to Montauk'

Moving my eyes from the page before me, I gaze into the crystal eyes of the only woman who has ever held my heart.

Then the tracks stop clacking together, the older rowdy men sat just beside us go silent and the hospital Esq lights above the bars for luggage shine like a summon for the angel sat across from me.

I feel the wind knock out of me like a rocket. Eyes wide I openly stare at the creature that is the girl of my dreams.

Uncomfortable seats and all, the glow of her company allows me realize Maya is home. I have always known that home is not where you are from. It is the one place I'm the world where you truly belong. People have searched and traveled their entire lives to find it. I had always thought that place was New York. My dream to attend college and live there present since a very young age, now though. Now, I know home was never a place. Never New York. Home is where ever Maya happens to be.

New York is only my home because that is always where she will return. I feel more at home on this dingy train than I ever have in my apartment.

Home was a sweet blonde girl with hypnotizing eyes and a silver tongue sharp enough to cut the strongest of men.

My home is Maya Hart. No matter where she is or where our relationship lies, she always will be.


	12. Worth Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies. Did you miss me?
> 
> As promised this chapter is The big Joshaya date chapter you have all been waiting for.
> 
> Now, I have an announcement to make. My best friend was taking a look at this chapter and she convinced me to let you guys know what the end game was, so that there was no confusion. Also a comment from the last chapter really caught my attention and gave me a bit of perspective.
> 
> So I decided to let you guys know that Josh And Maya are indeed the end game! Everything between Zay and Maya is just drive for Joshaya.
> 
> Now Zay is apart of this chapter but just as support for Maya so no one worry.
> 
> This chapter kind of got away from, sort if making it up as I went. I want expecting it to be this long but one moment it was 4,000 words then the next it was somewhere in the 12,000s. Please comment and tell me what you think.
> 
> So, without further adieu; Enjoy chapter 12!

Maya’s POV

What am I doing? What am I doing? What the hell am I doing!?

Okay, okay, okay. I need to calm down. Freaking out is not going to make your situation any better, Maya.

I scold myself relentlessly while the silence blankets the air surrounding Josh and I.

Looking down I ignore the prominent blush painting my face red. Cursing my heart for racing so strongly, chasing after my sanity, most likely.

All because of Josh's large dark eyes traces every line of an ancient sketch among the gallery of my rough drafts.

"Wow, Gorgeous" He praises,sounding winded. Lips parted slightly, a long slim finger traces every loop in the drawn ocean. I lick my lips slowly, staring at the sinfully beautiful man in front of me.

"Wow" Josh repeats, this time to himself.

His voice sends a jolt of electricity straight down my spine. I go rigid instantly, suddenly hyper aware of the heat radiating off Josh's shoulders. The softness of the atmosphere somehow drowning me in my uncertainty. Breathing as quietly as I possibly can, I resume berating myself for being unprepared for a trip I set up! The long awkward ride of avoiding feelings and biting back pain lies over our heads loudly. Braced for the possible war between misery and desire.

"Hope you cleared your whole day, we won't be back before Dark. Is that okay?" I discuss worried, this may not work. I probably should have asked before, but I just knew if I didn't take the plunge I would find a way to back out before we got within ten feet of the station.

"No, yeah. That fine, I'm free, and no one is expecting me back any time soon. So, yeah. It's okay."

"Okay. Good"

"Good" He smirks, returning his gaze to my art.

Releasing a shuddering breath, I send a silent prayer to the heavens; begging for that everything goes alright.

I can't believe I let Zay talk me into this…

FLASHBACK

"Babe?" Zay's grougy tenor grumbles past the bathroom door. Droopy eyes full of concern.

Maya smacks a pale hand to her chest,frightened. The art student releases a shuddering breath, squeezing her eyes tightly, silently praying Josh can't hear.

The young blonde contemplates just ending the call then,but the thought of saying goodbye leaves a bitter taste on her tongue.

"It's almost 3am. Come back to bed, Curly" Zay continued before Maya could reply. The sleep evident in his rough gravelly tone, hid the budding anxiety manifesting within the boys chest, "You can be mad at me in the morning" Zay adds.

Muted brown eyes watch the door as if it personally offended him. Waiting nervously for his best friend to emerge.

In the bathroom, Maya bites her bottom lip ruefully, mumbling her goodbyes, followed by a silent tap to her phone, Maya ends her call. Ignoring the ever present ache that always came with all things Josh. A sane voice buried somewhere within her heart warns her to press end before his tantalising voice spoke words destined to keep her listening.

Hands shaking with adrenaline, she wonders what on earth she's doing. Fear joins the voice, the familiar feeling of falling into the idea of Josh Matthews too good and so easy to embrace. It takes all but her life to hold back the strange mix of emotions. All the pain he has inflicted and all the harm he has the potential to add forgotten past the exhilarating feeling he still has the power to drown her in.

Just barely hearing the "Sweet dreams" her first love muttered softly. Maya's breath hitches quietly, as the urge to call back approaches the forefront of her mind. Teeth bearing down more firmly nearly drawing blood from her abused lip, she wills herself not to fall for the idea of 'Later'.

Rising from the edge of the porcelain tub she patles to the door.

"Sorry, Zay. I didn't mean to wake you…" Without meeting his eyes, she speaks fluidly. Making her way to her side of the bed. Maya pauses for a moment, the deep seeded desire to tell Zay about the conversation with Josh beating on her like a drum. Yet, the recent hostility hosted by the two males made her hesitate. Not wanting to start trouble, she holds her tongue.

"Maya, are you still mad about tonight?" Zay asked. Noticing the pinched look married to pale skin.

Maya rolled her eyes, "Zay, you apologized like twelve times before we even made it home. I told you, you're forgiven. Let it rest"

Zay shook his head. Guilt weighing his shoulder down to a slight hunch. Cautiously walking to the blonde, he continues, "I promised before you left Cali and before I decided to come here that if I did in fact come, I wouldn't start anything with Josh. And I completely ignored that tonight. I tried to get under his skin and reacted when he did the same. It was a dick move, blondie. I'm so-"

"Don't!" Maya interrupts, raising a hand to silence her friend. Voice laced deep with understanding.

"It's fine, Z. I promise."

Smiling timidly he leans down laying a soft kiss to her temple.

Turning, Zay pulls back the covers, moving to lay back down. Patiently, he looks at May, allowing the silence to engulf the reminds her of the nights spent in their individual dorm rooms, then their shared California apartment. Fighting the stressful school year by babbling about their fears and their dreams while watching trash T.V. Taking solace in one another like they could no one else. Because there was no one else. Never keeping a secret and never staying silent for long.

"Josh just called me!" Maya blurts out.

"Oh?" Zay exclaims in surprise.

"Well technically I called him, but he texted me first"

"Okay… Want to talk about it?" The boy says easily, without a second thought. Sensing Maya's discomfort, he advances from the bed to tend to his friend.

Inhaling a trembling breath, Maya whispers more to herself than to Zay,

"Desperately"

Maya goes into great detail, recounting the events of the previous evening. Going as far as to mention the wager she lost explicitly as well as how there was a nagging suspicion she held against herself suggesting she may have done it on purpose. Zay listens intently nodding and 'ahuh-ing' in the necessary instances. Offering his two cents where it is due.

The pair move to the Matthews kitchen while Maya continues her tale. Laughing together as she tells him about her throwing the basketballs at the older boys' and the cheers she made.

Zay helps them to a serving of tea as she spirals into a speculative tandem on her 'disintegrating sanity', as she eloquently proposed.

"I just… I don't know what to do." she sighs exasperated.

Having migrated to the couch, Zay swiftly removes the ceramic mug from her nimble fingers before pulling her to his side and leaning back comfortably into the cushions. Rubbing a large hand up and down the side of her shoulders, Maya allows herself to be comforted.

"Do you want to know what my advice is?" He asks, the silence hanging heavy in the air.

Maya shrugs, "sure"

"Thanks for the enthusiasm, Curly" Zay rolls his eyes, pulling away from his best friend in order to look into her eyes.

"No, but, seriously. I think you should go" He announces slowly.

Furrowing her eyebrows in confusion Maya stares at the dark skinned boy. "W-what? What about you?"

"What about me, Maya? Why shouldn't you go on a date with him when you clearly want to, M?" He exclaims. "Huh?"

Opening and closing her mouth a handful of times, Maya sighs deeply.

"I...I feel dirty, Zay…" Sad blue eyes hesitate before they raise to look up at her friend.

"Like a whore" Voice cracking at the pain she can no longer mask with anxiety.

Her own self disgust, established so a parent, Zay winders how he could have missed it.

The horror-struck expression on the face of her friend, feels like a slap to her own. Guilt settles low in her belly like a virus making love violently to the shame flowing her veins.

"W-wha. why?" Zay stutters stunned. Knowing Maya thought such blasphemous things about herself not sitting well with the brown eyed boy.

"Zay," She began, turning fully to look at him. "This boy tore me apart. Chased me away from my family and turned me into an insecure mess of a person. But now…" Maya eyes flutter shut. Josh's chiseled face smiling back at her. Cheeks flushed with laughter as he looked at her in a way he had always managed to convince her was wishful thinking all those years ago. A look normally wiped away bitterly the moment he noticed she saw. As if it were wrong… because it was wrong. To Josh it always had been. Still the effects of years of rejection made her wary of all relationships romantic or otherwise, still, the words from her first day back echoed in the dark corners of her mind, "I didn't mean to say all those things to you, Maya…"

"It's so easy, Zay" She whispers, blinking back tears.

"What is, sweetie?"

"To fall back into him! To forget everything he did. To behave like some tramp." The blonde shakes her head incredulously.

"Stop!" Zay explodes, causing them both to go silent.

Glancing towards the bedrooms they check to see if anyone was woken up by his outrage.

Zay takes a deep breath, turning back to the blondes sad blue eyes.

"Stop talking about yourself like that, Maya."

"Zay! It's true!" She whisper shouts, fighting back the tears.

"There's no two ways about it. I'm off gallafranting with the man who broke my heart. Being angry as I should one moment than a love sick teenager the next. All while he thinks that I'm dating you. I haven't corrected him, Zay. I'm letting him believe that you and I are in a relationship, while he…" Maya pauses, screwing her eyes tightly, "And now I'm just rubbing my feelings about Josh in your face" cradling her face in her hands she presses her lips together painfully. "I'm so sorry, Z" she cries.

"Maya, you are my best friend. You understand that, right?" Zay asks gently.

Maya shrugs not meeting the brunets eyes.

"You and I are not boyfriend and girlfriend. So stop feeling as if you're cheating me somehow. I knew from the get-go how you feel about Josh. You made it abundantly clear that you have always loved that guy and there isn't a damn thing wrong with loving someone even if they are an idiot... I knew, Maya. I've always known. So stop acting like you're a bad person for feeling something you can't control!" He pulls the smaller girl into a hug, squeezing tightly.

Assuring her with this small gesture that he has her back. That he loves her more than just how a man loves a woman, but as family. And that she can always come to him no matter what(or who) it is about.

With another kiss placed on the nest of wild blonde hair he shows her that he genuinely doesn't care if she ever decides to be with him, as long as they are always friends in the end.

Maya wraps her arms around his middle, laying back into the couch in silence. They both pay no attention to the wetness seeping into the boys shirt.

"I know I joke or flirt a lot and that we've kissed a couple of times, but I'm always aware of what's going on. Okay? You're not playing me."

"And You'll never know if you're over it if you don't try to find out, Curly."

Without moving from the crook of Zays' shoulder, she speaks against the boy, "So you think I should go?"

"Yes. I do. Somewhere away from everyone. Where you won't run into any of us… Somewhere you won't mind sharing…"

The duo sit in silence for a long time, neither one speaking as they watch the sun rise.

"I'm sorry, Zay." Maya finally says.

Frowning the dark skinned student, turns, "Why?"

"About Me. And for falling for the wrong guy… I'm sorry you feel for a girl like me."

Meeting tortured curlene eyes, he scoffs tightly.

Almost angrily he stands to look down on her, "Maya I don't think that you are grasping the fact that it. Is. Okay."

"What is?" She asks with a sigh.

"You don't have to love me, Maya…" Brown bores into deep blue. Trying best he can to convey the truth.

"I love enough for the both of us." He repeats as he has before. Bending to take hold of her hand, Zay drags her to a standing position. Without another word she understands for the first time, that he doesn't mean romantically. He means in general.

"Now let's get to bed. You can get a whole whopping three hours of sleep!" Zay mocks enthusiastically.

Cracking, a small smile, Maya shoves him away "Fuck you, jerk"

Chuckling he migrates back into bed. "You sure you don't want me to go with you to get Sarah?"

"No. That's alright. Riley and I are going to end up monopolizing all her time and just ignoring you, anyway."

Maya smiles brightly, clearly excited. It's not lost on Zay. The importance of this unknown cousin clear on Maya's face.

"I can't wait to meet her" he says sweetly, nearly collapsing onto his pillow, "Now go to sleep, Blondie. Don't forget what I told you… And Maya?"

"Yeah, Z" She answers sleepily.

"Maybe you're just scared of what Josh could mean for you. And I don't want to be an excuse for you. I don't want you to ever settle when you could have more…"

END FLASHBACK

When you love someone so deeply they become your life, it is so easy to surrender to all the overwhelming insecurities screaming that your not worth it.

Josh had spent years screaming along that voice inside my head. Agreeing with every rejection and dismissal of my affection, but I loved him so much I silenced them both…

Trying to take what I wanted, thinking that if I put in just enough effort it would be so clear to him and that venomous voice, that the way I felt wasn't in vain. That it meant more… was worth more.

Now though, I realize what I've really needed was for someone to love me enough to match my efforts.

Josh is so beautiful. He really has no Idea the effect he has on me. The way he leans in no matter what I say. Laughs at my obsessive fangirl-ness. And makes me feel things. Things I wish I didn't feel, but it's just so good. It's almost as if I never left.

That's the problem!

We are cramped on this freezing train, sat beside this set of negligent snobs and their litter of children. Squealing and fighting while their parents are at each other throats.

Still, Josh doesn't even flinch. Just asked me about Sarah and what we had done yesterday. Chiming in with stories of his own. Being the perfect gentleman. Even going as far as playing a bit with the kids.

But all that I wanted to do is bury myself in that leather and pine scent that was all Josh, and confess to him, that I could only think about his lips. Desperate to just feel...

But is that really worth it? Is he?

After all the times he showed me I wasn't. Now that he says I Am. Am I willing to forget the pain to be with him. Is that fair?

"Arriving at East Hampton train station. Next Stop: Montauk train station" The automated voice rung above.

"We're almost there" I tell him, looking up from my sketch. My blue eyes tracing over the drawing before snapping it shut.

"Hey!" He exclaims, a pinch wrinkling his eyebrows. "I asked you to draw me like one of your French girls, Mr. Dawson. Don't I get to see?" The man prodds. An easy smile playing at deep pink lips.

I wonder if they still taste the same.

Clearing my throat, I release a fake chuckle, trying to hide from those thoughts. I wonder how he can be so cool. Acting as if there isn't a deeply cut wound at the center of our relationship.

"You get to see it when I'm done."

"Whatever you say, Gorgeous" Josh smirks tauntingly.

Biting my lip in an effort to hold back my smile, I ignore the slight darkening of amber eyes tracking the slow movement of my mouth.

"You have got to stop calling me that!" I insist distractingly .

"Why?"

Laughing to myself I ignore his look of hurt.

"I like 's wrong with Gorgeous? It's a nice nickname"

"Because that's not a nickname for a friend, Josh. It's a compliment. And an intimate one at that" I say firmly. Remembering the rush of emotions that the word brought whenever he had used it all those years ago.

I watch him turn to look out the window. A blur of brown and green forgotten as I take that moment to stare shamelessly.

He truly is beautiful.

Finally he snaps his attention to me, pulling me from my thoughts. An evil smile tugging pink lips up into a mischievous smile worthy of my own esteem.

"Mouthy Maya!"

"What!?" I shout chuckling, blindingly reaching out for whatever object is closest. "Screw you, Matthews." I cry chucking the white eraser to his chest.

"Hey! No fair, you have ammunition!" His voice objects. The rich thickness carries into my chest. The familiar tingling sensation vibrating off my skin. Just as whenever he touches me.

I stick my tongue out like a child, breaking into a glowing grin.

"That's not so nice, Mouthy Maya" The man says slowly. Tilting my head I watch his hands begin to hover. Blue eyes widening, I move to the edge of my seat ready to run if need be.

Frowning I start, teasing "Now, Boing, you wouldn't want to do anything rash…"

"Oh, I wouldn't?"

"No" I whisper sharply. Looking around to subtly remind him we are in public.

He inches towards me slowly, the smile never leaving.

Jumping up just as his fingertips graze my hip I sprint down the narrow aisle. A child-like squeal bubbling past my lips.

"Com're, Hart-breaker" He calls after me. The clunky clicks of his boots against the linoleum echoing through the car of the train. The kids that had sat beside us clinging to the back of their chairs giggling as they cheered after us. Many passengers looking amused while others bothered.

Though, I couldn't bring myself to care about more than the absolute bliss making me feel more weightless than I have in years.

Stopping short I hold out my hands in surrender. Shuffling as we circle around each other. Now walking backwards towards our previous seats I try to negotiate as Josh stalks at me predatorily.

"No,no,no Josh! waitwaitwait, Listen-Josh!" I squeal just missing as he lunged forward. Inches from our seats where I can use my bag as a shield, he chuckles lowly.

"What's the matter, Gorgeous. Scared?"

"Josh, we are in public. You wouldn't wanna embarrass me right?" Josh rolls his eyes unimpressed. Knowing fully well that I've never really cared what anyone outside of family and friends thought of me.

Then he straightens. Seeming to be giving up.

"You're right, Gorgeous. I'm sorry, we are in public."

Surprised, I straighten up myself, Smiling triumphantly, "Really?"

The older man shrugs before looking to the kids and shooting them a wink. But it was too late.

"Nope!" Diving onto me, we fall against the cushions of our seats, strong hands skimming against my sides without mercy, causing me to thrash and squirm wildly.

"Josh!" I yell breathlessly. The deep rumble of his laughter bounces off my ribs. I laugh painfully but I don't ask him to stop, simply push against his hands desperately. Thoroughly enjoying the closeness he had always pulled away from the moment he'd realize.

I half expected him to pull away, just as he always had. Violently opening up the waiting dam of sorrow behind the vault guarding my heart.

But he never did.

"Please!"

"You think she's had enough guys?" The brunet asked the children beside us.

A chorus of no's and yes ring around us before Josh decides to stop. Smiling beautifully down at me. We must have stood like that for just a few seconds but I felt an eternity pass within his eyes, making me forget where we are. I forget who we are and the history so heavy with sadness. Just a boy and a girl. Shining in the glow of the other.

I jerk violently when I feel his finger accidentally slip past my Avengers blouse. A powerful jolt of excitement lighting my flesh on fire.

"I-I'm sorry" he mumbles kindly. Hazel eyes intoxicating me something fierce.

My lips part slightly, at a lost for words, chest heaving vigorously.

Tucking a few loose strands behind my ear, Josh's thumb stays at my jaw. Trailing it back and forth slowly. The pressure of the contact as well as the delicious burn that comes with touching him the only thing convincing me this isn't a dream.

Like the traitors they are, my eyes move towards the lips I haven't felt in four years.

I felt the world slow down again before…

"Ewww, mommy are they gonna kiss!?" A little boy cries.

And just like that our little world shatters.

Shaking my head, I awkwardly clear my throat, moving to sit up.

"Oh" Josh murmurs. Still so close I feel his breath fan against my collarbone.

I shut my eyes tightly as to fight back to the moan lying in my throat.

"Well that was fun" He says awkwardly. I can't help but bark out a laugh.

Moving to our previous seats Josh opens up his mouth, a cocky raise of his eyebrow,helps him portray a level of confidence I'v only ever seen him use while flirting.

"Seven million smiles in the world and yours is my favorite."

Rolling my eyes, I snort unattractively.

"I think that may be the lamest pickup line in existence" Leaning his arms lazily against his legs he smirks, moving forward in the seat across from me.

"Well y'know, that's just plan A."

Raising a brow I lean forward myself. " Oh, it is, huh? What's plan B, then?"

He shrugs, saying in mock seriousness, "Taking you hostage."

Doubling over in disbelief I giggle loudly. Pretending not to notice the way his smiling face wouldn't tear itself from mine.

"Arriving at Montauk train station" The conductor announces.

Josh and I suspend ourselves in the other. It feels almost as if we're frozen. No words being spoken but so much being said.

Returning to earth, I grab my bag and move to the doors, the younger Matthews brother following close behind me.

Giddy with joy he pulls out his phone to take photos and I watch this big dork feeling happier than I have in so long.

It's only a matter of time, an inner voice warns. It sounds a lot like Riley. But I can't tell if it means, it is only a matter of time before he hurts me, or before I give in…

Both

I want to remember all the pain. To stay angry and hurt without forgiving him so quickly. Remain furious, instead of allowing him to joke and touch and make me crave his taste.

I promised myself long ago I wouldn't let myself fall back in love with Joshua Matthews but… He smiled... and now I'm screwed.

No matter the promises I could have made, I should've known it was impossible. In order to not fall back in love with Josh, I would have had to stop loving him to begin with.

Zay's words recite behind my mind like an omen: stop acting like you're a bad person for feeling something you can't control …

Watching after the only man I have ever loved, I hear my hearts vault door click open. Butterflies free within my stomach as I allow myself to really feel.

Josh's eyes draw to mine and with a simple smile I feel myself fall just a little bit more.

All that I can think as I look at him is; This is going to hurt when it's over.

I hope it's worth it.

"So what was all that stuff about. Y'know with the carnival guy at Penn station?" Josh asks curiously.

I crane my head up to face him properly. The slight Montauk breeze ruffling his hair further than it already was. He looked sexy as all hell.

I smile brightly, having been prepared that he'd evntualling ask. Trodding down the ramp of the train station I walk towards a big faded blue Ford Pick-up truck.

"Well" I begin, Digging into my old messenger bag, pulling out a set of keys.

The locks click swiftly, the slightly rusted door squeaking open, before I place my jean purse in the center of the bench seat. Turning the key into the ignition and waiting for the old engine to roar to life. I look to my right waiting for Josh to get in the car, but he just stares at me in awe through the window.

Chuckling, I lean on my side, reaching to crank the passenger side window down.

"You getting in?"

"Are you jacking this car?" The look of concern, so cute I bite my lip to keep myself from laughing at him.

Frown deepening, he remains outside.

"Yes Josh, my idea of a date is Grand theft Auto. How'd you know?" I smirk looking forward.

"How am I jacking this car if I have the keys, smart guy?"

Rolling his eyes he pulls the handle and seats himself gently. That time I do laugh.

"Stop laughing, Maya. You are more than capable"

"Oh please," Shrugging and tossing an arm behind the bench seat to back out of the space, I run a hand through my windswept hair, embracing the distraction driving provides.

"I know how to control mysel-"

"You absolutely do not!" He interrupts in amused disbelief.

Rolling my eyes, I ignore his amusement.

"After we spoke the other night. I was talking to Sarah, trying to figure out where this not-date should go."

"According to you it is a date" He sings

Nearly swerving off the road I shriek, "what? No it isn't, I never-"

"Well" The beautiful bastard elaborates amused, " At the train station you said that your idea of a date wasn't Grand Theft whatever. Thus implying we are on a date"

"Thus?" I raise an eyebrow, deflecting his argument best I can.

"Yup!"

"Well, I was saying I wouldn't on a date because this isn't a date"

"Yes , my dear. You said you wouldn't on a date and you in fact did not, hence this is actually a date"

Opening and closing my mouth, grappling for a remark I huff out defeated, "Shut up"

"Ha!"

"Anyway! Sarah reminded me of Montauk and all the memories we had here. Uncle B-Sarah's dad- would take us down whenever he got the chance. And we'd run and laugh and tell anyone who asked that we were sisters…" I recall fondly. Picturing my sweet baby cousin pushing me on the swings while my uncle took pictures.

"That then made me remember how when I was kicking your ass the other night, Dave had mention he was from long island. Did you know he was in the navy? Honorable discharge, very impressive story. But not the point." I stop myself before I can ramble more.

"Long story short it reminded me of him so I gave him a call to see if he was in the neighborhood. We all went out for a cup of coffee and turns out he was only at Coney Island to cover for his boyfriend who picks up odd jobs and whatnot. Thats why theyre in New York. He told us he was planning on proposing soon, so I mentioned an art curator friend of mine from Cali hosting a gallery in Brooklyn that owes me a favor. I helped set up this romantic evening for the two of them. Wineing, flying, fine-dining the whole shebang. You should've seen him, Josh. He was so excited he was practically jumping up and down. It was really sweet. Then, Riley let slip that I was thinking of heading to Mtk so he insisted on lending us his truck and tickets in exchange for my connections"

"Wow. That was really sweet of you, Gorgeous!"

"Yeah, well, I am awesome, Boing"

"Yeah", he says softly. "You are…"

Managing to drag my eyes away I turn the dial up on the radio letting the radio mask the silence begging me to pull over and kiss the fool beside me.

"Well he was very kind. It was worth it to see him happy and now we get to have today."

"We're here!"

Shooting out the car like a bullet, I jog towards the front of the Montauk lighthouse.

"Isn't it beautiful?"

Closing my eyes I allow the pungent scent of the sea engulf my senses. The air almost wet matting my hair to my neck while my lungs fill with the crisp summer air. Several moments pass before I hear the shutter of a phone camera.

Whipping backwards, my eyes meet a sheepish looking Josh. A pink blush tinting his checks with embarrassment.

"I-I'm sorry." He stutters, slipping his phone into his back pocket.

I feel my arms hug me shyly. I hadn't realized how lost I'd become. The beauty so overwhelming, it demanded my attention.

"Don't be. I just ugh get… I don't know. Montauk just does something to me. Not many people understand" Looking down I wonder why the hell I'm acting so vulnerable.

I am a strong boss bitch. I always have been. I am the one who never hid the fact I was in love, who rolled with the punches and stood strong. Moved thousands of miles from my home to build myself up, now willing to make a friendship happen between the man that has never wanted me,but standing here. Under the gaze of piercing amber eyes, surrounded only by the tranquil smells of the ocean and his leather and piny scent, I want to forgive him. Completely. Not just for the peace or the family but because it's what really I want.

Maybe you shouldn't fight it.

"Show me." Josh says, taking hold of my hand tugging me towards the lighthouse.

Maybe I won't.

"So where to next, Gorgeous?"

Our hands laced innocently as Josh swings them back and forth playfully.

We had spent nearly two hours at the lighthouse. Walking to the tip top then back down, watching the waves crash onto shore. And talking. And talking. And more talking.

We spoke about everything. Learning more from the man I pinned after for years, than I ever had before.

We spoke about school and what he's been up to after college. Our parents and the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Slowly we realized we had been sitting for an hour talking about nothing really. Simply taking comfort in each others company.

The younger Matthews brother must have taken at least fifty pictures. Ranging from the ocean,the beach and-much to my discomfort-me. Waving a dismissing hand at my claims of not being dressed nicely enough.

Black shorts stained with old paints and a heavily worn Iron man T-shirt, paired with high top chucks. Not exactly photoshoot attire.

Hopping into the truck, Josh picks my hand up again. Sitting slightly closer than I should allow.

Red blaring warning signs ring in my mind. DANGER DANGER flashing red behind my eyelids. Despite my better judgment, I tune them out.

Finding his eyes,I smile. The flutter in my chest so much better than the dull ache I've grown so used to.

Just focus on what Zay said. You'll never know if you're over it if you don't try to find out.

"Why must you ask so many questions?"

"Okay, okay. Messaged received. Take us away to Neverland, Wendy."

"Please", I scoff. "You're Wendy. I'm peter"

"Whatever you say, Mouthy Maya."

"Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?"

"Not till tomorrow."

Groaning I listen to him laugh musically. Hoping he can't feel my heart beating through the hand he still held gently in his own.

We drive in comfortable silence. Forcing myself to focus on the road rather than the warmth vibrating through my body. The hand Josh cradles lovi- No not lovingly- kindly. The hand he holds kindly thrumming with an excitement I can't push away.

The radio hums some random song, but all I could think of was the addictive alive feeling I only felt doing something dangerous.

"Lions field?" He asks reading the Forrest green sign.

Pulling the key from the ignition, I unbuckle myself and turn fully to face him. Rising to my knees and resting a hand on his shoulder.

"This is my favorite park in the world."

Raising both his eyebrows,Josh chances a glance at the-admittedly- unimpressive park.

"Um...really?"

"Okay, yes it's no central park with its immaculate landmarks or even sunset which seriously best swings in all of Brooklyn but…" Staring out the windshield I suck in a trembling breath. "It's the middle of June so there's no school and even then it's six o'clock in the afternoon. But there's not a single person in sight... It's inspirational!"

Josh brings my attention back to him, running his fingers through my humid hair. Trapped by the gaze I spent years dreaming of.

Hazel eyes flicker down to my lips and I lick them subconsciously. His warm breath mingles together with mine deliciously.

I look down shyly, pulling his hand away from where it had migrated on my neck before we do something he may regret.

When did he get so close?

"Sun's gonna set soon" He smiles. There's something there though. It takes me a moment to realize it's rejection.

"Yeah?"

"Get your sketchbook." Without another word he gets out of the car, rushing to the drivers side, then opening up my door too.

Furrowing my eyebrows confused I grab my purse and follow him onto the park. His hand lacing into mine once again, comfortably. As if it's always meant to be there.

Josh pulls me to the set of swings, lightly pressing my shoulders to sit.

"Draw." He demands.

"What?"

"You just finished telling me you haven't been able to draw anything you liked in weeks. Here's your chance. So draw." His cheerfulness ices something in my bones. I did tell him I've been having a bit of drawers block, but strategically hadn't mentioned it was because of him.

The only image left on countless pages for weeks, being a series of deep amber eyes, broken blue ones and tortured dark expressions, the only thing I could manage since I decided to come back.

"Josh, I- this. It's not"

"Thinking of finishing any of those sentences?"

"Seriously, Matthews. You want me to draw the sunset? that could take time. You'll get bored and that's not fair."

"Please, I like watching you." He scoffs

"Why thank you, Edward Cullen that's not creepy."

"I'm serious. Draw whatever you want, I don't mind. I have a phone and a swing." He argues, plopping down on the swing beside me.

Looking forward I stare out onto the slowly purpleing sky. The familiar consuming sensation that came with that escaped feeling when I lost myself in a sketch appearing slowly then all at once.

"Still have that look, huh Gorgeous" Blindly looking towards the younger Matthews brother I feel myself fall into a trance.

"Don't move!" I order excited. Sprinting to the car, I yank a blanket from the truck bed. Moving behind the fence, and placing the flannel quilt on the dirt beside the Baseball fields home plate.

"C'mere" I wave.

"Okay. Now, sit here. No no, here.There. Okay good. Lean back. Not like that, Boing. You look like a statue"

"Wellhowamisupposedtolean" he says behind clenched teeth. I bite my lip to help myself from laughing.

"I'm serious Josh. Just relax, you can speak normally. Play candy crush or something"

Returning to the swing I grab my sketch pad and sit cross legged on the ground, half across from Josh and half in front of the fence.

Like magic I watch the scene come to life behind my eyes, the deep scratch of pencil against paper the only sound for I'm not sure how long.

Josh talks as I draw. About everything and nothing all at once. Complimenting me at every chance he sees. Filling me with emotions people have written novel about.

I let myself believe this is how it has always been.

Here in this park, that stupid day never happened. My heart was never broken and we could be in love and happy, celebrating an anniversary or something. Not finding enough protest inside me to hate how much of a weakness Joshua Matthews is for me.

Always so easy to fall into him.

The sky darkens when I stand up and move towards him.

"Do I get to see this time?" He asks hesitantly below the large park lights.

Sitting within the gap of his knees I kneel showing him my sketch.

"It's not done yet" I defend, "but"

"But nothing, Maya. This is beautiful."

"Thank you" looking down at my hands I feel his eyes screening my face. His closeness sending sparks up and down my body. He closes up my pad and places it on the grass besides us.

"C'mere. Sit with me." He whispers, tugging me between his legs. Snaking long, warm arms around my waist.

"Josh" I warn firmly. Feeling the heat of his chest lull away my tense shoulders.

"Shh… Just look at the sky, M" He coaxes, so low I hardly hear. "I'm not gonna try anything"

After several minutes I go slack in his arms. Resting my head on his shoulders trying to fight the whimper playing at my lips when he holds me tighter.

"What did you mean before, when you said I still had the same look?"

"...Before I met you, I didn't know what it was like to look at someone and smile for no reason...When you draw, you've always gotten this look about you. It's like your eye glaze over and shine like glass while your lips curl fiercely. Exhibiting this untouchable I can almost intensity. I can practically see the gears in your head turning as you get that flicker of inspiration. It's…When you were younger I remember how if I was lucky enough to see you make 'the face' it would more than just make me smile. It would light up my whole day up…"

"Josh…I- I didnt know you ever looked...at me. I'm not sure what to say"

"You don't have to say anything. Just sit here with me"

Closing my eyes I do just that. Sit in silence for I don't know how long just breathing each other in.

"I've always seen you, Gorgeous. I always will."

"...I missed you"

Releasing a shuddering breath he squeezes me tighter.

"I missed you too, Maya… More than you would believe"

He's right. I don't, but here under the stars I find that I can pretend.

"It can always be like this."

Shaking my head I try to move but his hands remain firmly placed around me.

"This here. You and me. I'm in it for the long game, remember?" Dark eyes grow sad with each word, but all I can see is an image of myself crying on the ground after he has already left.

Pulling away forcefully, I shove his hands off when he reaches out.

"Wait, Maya. Wait I-"

"No. Stop,Josh! You need to stop. We… I told you we won't be like that. So stop...please. Just stop." I say apologetically, instead of everything shouting in my head.

I'm begging you to not hurt me. Every cell in my body is pleading with me to stop this, to not let you give me those damn tingles or that hyper feeling but I am willing to give you a chance . A chance to prove to me you have changed, that we can be friends. But I need to find out what it means to be close to you as a friend before I can ever think about being anything. more I just need time, give me some time. Just don't push me… Please.

"Some people search their whole lives for what I found in you at the age of ten." He asserts.

"Then why did you me push away?" I fume, the hurt beginning to rival the guilt.

"Maya I've already explained that I was doing what I thought was best for you."

I laugh humorlessly, running a frustrated hand through my messy hair. Josh stands to be at level with me but I am beyond the point of caring.

"I've told you once and I'll tell you again. You are no one to decide what is best for Me. You are not my father, Josh!"

"I never-"

"If you want a relationship with me. It is as a friend and nothing else!" At least until I can trust you again.

"Yeah, well you haven't exactly been acting in a friend manner, Maya. Forgive my confusion." The man hisses.

And just like that, as if a bucket of ice water has been dumped on me, I step back. My mistakes becoming clear as day.

Josh seathes in anger silently while I bend to grab my things, heading to the truck.

Sitting in the car, I remain in silence before Josh joins me, a look of anger still contorting his features harshly.

"You're right. I forget boundaries when I'm with you and that not fair" I finally admit sighing in defeat, avoiding his gaze.

"That's going to end. Okay?"

"Maya," he starts, much softer.

"No, it's fine. We are two friends enjoying the evening together. This isn't a date and I shouldn't be cuddling up with someone I used to be... whatever we were to each other when I..."

"Have someone at home" He supplies, the look of rejection again hidden behind sad eyes.

I want to say no. I want to tell him that I was going to say when I am not sure I can keep myself from falling completely in love with you again.

Instead I remain wordless. Meeting his eyes and begging him to prove all of my doubts wrong.

"Is this going to work Josh, or should we just get on the next train?"

"No!" He cries quickly. "No, I'm sorry. I know your not in the position to have me fawning over you. I just have to learn to be more patient. But,Maya… The thing is I am not going to stop. You and I mean something to each other and I'm not letting go again until you feel it too"

"I can respect that. As long as you respect me. I see now that I need to put space between us. But that won't have to mean we can't have fun, right?"

Ultimately meeting his eyes insicurley he shares a small smile.

"Take us away to Neverland, Wendy."

This time when he finds my hand with his own, I pull away.

"How about something to eat?"

"Lead the way."

"You made it seem like a ghost town. I thought no one was around. This is a shit ton of people, Maya" Josh accuses annoyed.

"We've been on this line for an hour, Wendy"

Chuckling softly, I crane my head up. "That's the price to pay for the best burgers in all of Long Island. John's Drive In is a hot commodity. Now stop your complaining, it's your turn."

Slowly but surely the awkwardness from the park ebbed away. But I now knew better than to succumb to my instincts. Refusing every cell in my body urging me to get as close as I can. Only paying mind the parts that keep me warey.

"Maya, this town was empty."

"Well yeah. During the day… The suns down and the booze is out, so the people emerge from the hobbit holes. This is basically the drinking capital of the U.S. And what goes good with drinks? Meeaat"

"Your not funny" I laugh anyway.

"I think I'm pretty funny" I gloat pleased.

"This burger better taste like gold" Josh grumbles but I can see the small smile he tries to hide.

It takes another thirty minutes before I start to feel really guilty. Josh and I spend the time playing 21 questions but I've heard his stomach growl at least twice now and I feel bad for forgetting how packed places like this get during the summer.

"I'm really sorry, Boing. I didn't think it would be this long. This isn't exactly an ideal date now is it? It'll be just a few more minutes" I assure him thoughtlessly.

"So this is a date…" Josh glows.

"Shut, no I mean a-"

"Too late, Gorgeous. You've admitted it. Its okay, its okay! The first step to recovery is admission"

Opening my mouth up to sneer ruefully, we hear a cashier shout out, "I can help who's next!"

"Oh looky there. Grub time!" Moving in front of me, Josh walked to the front of the counter, making the young teenage girl blush furocialsy when he winks. "Thanks, sweetheart you really saved me there. This one becomes a beast when she hungry."

"I do not!" I defend loudly.

"See what I mean?" he winks again. We both refrain from laughing when the poor kid nearly melts.

We order quickly, taking a step back to wait for our food. Believe it or not it takes another twenty minutes before we finally get it. Now making it now nearly ten.

While our Train back to Manhattan was in thirty minutes.

"Ugh. I'm really sorry, Josh. I didn't think it would take this long. We have to head back"

"Already? But we haven't even ate yet."

"I mean, there's another train but that won't be till twelve."

"Then we'll just take that one."

"Josh-"

"Order for Mouthy Maya" The same young cashier who took our order shouts on top of the symphony of mindless chatter in the restaurant.

Barking a full body laugh, the traitor walks over to the counter plucking the white paper bag from her shaking fingers.

"Thanks you, hon" swiftly grabbing my hand Josh leads us outside away from the commotion.

"Firstly, you are evil. How did you even tell her that was our name. I was next to you the entire time"

"I have my ways"

"Secondly" I declare, foreigning aggravation.

"If we left at twelve we wouldn't get home till somewhere around 3am."

"So?" He smirks, dropping my hand. I try to bury the disappointment with a hesitant smile.

"I'll have to call home and let them know."

"Right" Josh's face falls promptly. A forced aimless smile soon joining the downcast look he sported.

Immediately I wanted the offending look to disappear. In that moment, willing to do anything to make him smile again.

"I-I don't have to right now, let's eat."

"There aren't any seats"

"Um…" Taking a look around, there aren't any seats available inside or out of the establishment. Nibbling my lip I consider our options. Then it hits me!

"Maya?" A concerned Josh contests, taking in what must be a weirdly excited look.

"Follow me!" Mindlessly,I lace my fingers through his and run to the gas station next door.

After ordering Josh to stay outside, I buy us a couple cans of cokes and a container of nail polish. I thank the convenience store owner and cross the street back to Dave's truck, with Josh following close behind.

"Maya! What are you doing?"

With a face splitting smile, I chuck the keys to the unsuspecting Matthews brother.

We get into the truck as I assemble the food between us.

"Seriously, Maya. I don't know how to get anywhere, why am I driving?"

"It's nearby. I'll just give you directions."

Laughing disbelievingly he looks at me with… Awe?

"Where are we even going, Wendy?"

"I'm taking you to Neverland."

"Okay you were right. You were right! That burger was awesome"

"Please.I'm sure the sand was an excellent topping you would never had tried." I say sarcastically.

"It did give it that extra crunch I didn't know I needed."

Shoving him playfully we laugh easily.

"No but seriously, the food, the music...You. It was great."

Brushing my hair behind my ear I avoid looking directly at the beautiful man before me. Knowing if I allow the air between us shorten anymore than it already is I won't be held responsible for what may happen. So instead I paint his nails with bright pink polish. Overjoyed I somehow convinced him into letting me do this.

"Done!" I affirm joyously, taking a look at my handy work, "Now you are ready for your hand modeling career."

"Ha! I'll make a note of that…"

Pausing the phone playing maroon five, nestled within two half coca cola cans.( A makeshift speaker Zay and I picked up in Cali.) Josh speaks.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I know that you need space. And" He pauses, taking a deep breath. "I know you don't trust me just yet. And I'll do better but, as lovely as this has been, I feel you pulling from me. Your really cautious and it shows.I-I need you to be comfortable with me,Maya. It's just- I- I can't control myself when I am with you. But, again, i'll work on It, I promise... So, if you wouldn't mind, would you show how you did that wicked cartwheel."

A wide grin possesses my face nearly painfully.

"You're crazy" I breath standing.

"Just for you"

"Oh my God. You are incorrigible!"

"You know it, baby" He stands himself, un-pausing the music. I pray he doesn't notice the shiver that sneaks through me.

"Shut up and come here so I can show you how to do th- oh my God!" I squeal.

"I love that song, put it up!"

"Wait I recognize this song. Where is this from?" Josh reveals doing as I said.

"The 'Dream a little dream' movie named after the song. Yo-"

"Oh yeah, I took you and Riley to see that at the Drive in theater before it closed down"

Stars shining bright above you  
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"  
Birds singing in the sycamore trees  
Dream a little dream of me

Smiling gently I experience the song move through me passionately.

"Yeah…"

Josh extends his hand out for me sweetly. Offering a look in his eyes I can't describe.

"May I have this dance, ?"

Hesitantly, I bring my hand out to his. Feeling his finger curl around my palm, slowly he pulls me to his chest. Placing my hand by his shoulder before his migrate down to my waist. The wind blowing his hair almost angelically while the moon gives him a glow born simply to torture me.

"I won't try anything, Maya. I promise. Relax, Gorgeous."

Say nighty-night and kiss me  
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me  
While I'm alone and blue as can be  
Dream a little dream of me

"I wish they still had drive in theaters" I find myself mumbling against his chest.

"Me too" Josh replies.

After resting my head upon his shoulder Josh presses the softest of kisses to the top of my head, nuzzling his nose between the golden strands.

"Josh" I warn, moving to look him in the eyes.

Hazel meet brown in a fierce battle of who can drown in the other quicker.

"Stars fading but I linger on dear  
Still craving your kiss  
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear  
Just saying this" Without breaking eye contact, Josh sings along with the artist, murmuring the lyrics as we sway together along the melody.

My breaths become shallow the closer he becomes, his breath fanning against my lips and all I want to do is to pull away. To demand what it is that he thinks he is doing. Scream, as I ask; wasn't he just preaching he wasn't going to push anything. But I can't because more than that I want to remember what it feels like to kiss this man.

"Josh," I try again meekly. Feeling myself go weak the closer his lips come to mine.

"Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you  
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you  
But in your dreams whatever they be  
Dream a little dream of me" He continues. With each word I become more breathless. It makes me wonder if he can feel my heart against his chest.

Stars fading but I linger on dear  
Still craving your kiss  
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear  
Just saying this

Two large hands move from my waist to rest on either side of my face, cradle me like I am something precious. Looking at me as if I were an answer to all his problems

The way I remember dreaming one day he would. Now that it is here, I couldn't possibly imagine it could have ever felt better.

"Josh…" I gasp feeling his lips a single breath away.

"Maya."

'…."

"Let's get ice cream!" I say suddenly. Surprising us both. A petrified look furrowing my eyebrows inwards.

"Uh, what?"

"Ice cream"

" y-yeah. Ice cream. Sure, of course,Gorgeous. L-lead the way."

"Josh" I say regretfully.

"I'm fine. Let's go. Lead the way, Wendy." He tries to sound okay, but I can see him berating himself. The offset of his shoulders the smile not quite meeting his eyes.

I sigh defeated, not sure what to do. I think of saying sorry, though I don't know where I would begin. I can't tell him why I pulled away, it will just hurt him more. Yet, I can't let Josh kiss me, not without hurting myself…

Feeling like an utter idiot, I grab what's left of our things, then move to the truck.

Josh sits silently in drivers seat, staring out the windshield. An unreadable expression shouting at me that I've fucked up.

Climbing into the passengers side I avoid his eyes.

"Don't do that, Maya"

"Do what?"

"Look guilty, when I am the one who screwed up"

"Oh, Josh. No, you didn't screw up at all. I was the one wh-"

"Damn it, Maya. It wasn't you" He interrupts heated, slamming his fist against the shearing wheel.

Flinching I bite my lip, holding myself back from doing something significantly more stupid like crying or shouting back.

"I'm sorry."

"Its okay." I lie.

"No its not." Several seconds pass before we meet each other's gaze.

"I told you I was going to give you space, and I just… Ugh, I overstepped and I am so sorry, Gorgeous. There's just something You do something to me and I- I just lose all control. The only thing running through my kind is you! Smiling and laughing. Angry and-and… And sad. I don't want to make you sad. Just be patient with me, Wendy." The hazel eyed man babbles, the start of a hopeful smile appearing towards the end.

"Do you forgive me?"

I don't say anything for a while. Attempting to make sense of it all. Desperately trying to not let his words affect me.

Failing, I feel myself smile anyway.

"Only if you pay for the ice cream, Pan".

A grateful look passes through Josh's features. The relief palpable in the air between us.

"Can I still do this?" The man requests. Entwining his long smooth fingers with my small nibble ones.

The hopeful insecure look embedded into his face the only thing that keeps me mutely nodding my head yes.

"Okay."

"Okay" Josh echos. "Off to Neverland."

"Didn't we just learn that 'John's Drive In' is not the place to go?"

"Quit your Complaining, Boing. I haven't had the Little league special in years. I'll be damned if I let your impatience get in my way now."

"But, Maya" He whines, turning the corner into a practical waste land.

"Woah… This place was just packed…"

"Beauty of small towns. The bars close and they go home. Now let's go. Park right in the front, I need me some suga!"

"Okay, okay. Calm down, Cookie Monster. Just let me park."

"Are you joking with me right now. Ice cream is not a laughing matter, Joshua. It is sacred!"

"You're right. Whatever shall I do to redeem myself!?"

"You could always sacrifice a virgin" I suggest jokingly.

"Maya!" He reprimands cutting the engine.

"What? I mean I know it may be hard" I taunt getting out of the truck and skipping towards the entrance. Implicitly rejoicing in once again finding our teasing rhythm.

"and I'd offer myself but I rather enjoy life. So, maybe try the nearest conve- Josh? Where'd you- Come on, Boing, let's go. They'll close soon… Is everything alright?" Pausing mid sentence noticing the absent body that should be near mine, I whip my head back. Still by the truck door, Josh stares at me wide-eyed and speechless.

"Josh?"

"Ahem. Y-yeah. Yeah,sorry. I just, um. Never mind." Tilting my head in confusion I watch him swallow thickly before entering through the front doors before me.

Okay, that was weird.

Bouncing into the the shop I digress into a petulant child.

"Oh my God. You have no idea how excited I am right now! Ahh!"

Josh seems to have escaped whatever crisis he was Participating earlier. Choosing to return to that grinning awed look he's been gifting me through our day.

The only people in the restaurant are a sweet elderly couple licking away at ice cream cones alone in the corner and a rowdy group of six or seven-clearly drunk- twenty year old guys populating the brightly colored center tables.

"I must be insane getting you more sugar"

"Even so, I must admire your skill. You are so gracefully insane."

"Did you just quote Anne Sexton at me?"

"You know who Anne sexton is!?"

"Well, don't look so surprised!"

"No, no. I'm sorry. That's incredible I just wasn't expecting you to recognize that. I adore her work."

"Well, I do too. I guess there's a lot you don't know about me yet" Josh muses.

I refrain from grinning at the prospect of 'yet'. Suggesting that today wasn't such a disaster, that we wouldn't have more days like this.

"Yet…" I repeat, walking to the front counter. Taking in the same teenage cashier from earlier in the night.

"Why hello again, girly. We would like two little league specials. One vanilla, one a twist, please." Smiling sweetly I keep myself from laughing at the quickly appearing blush on the kids face.

"How do you even know that I will like this?" Josh questions with uncertainty.

"Oh you will." The timid girl assures confidently from behind the counter before realizing she had spoken.

Pointing at him accusingly I laugh triumphantly "Ha! See, two against pay the girl!" I declare giddily.

Taking both paper cups in my hands, I beam brightly.

Sitting at a table closest to the window I shove my spoon and straw into the cup. Prepared to devour my mountain of sweetness. Seconds later the youngest Matthews brother joins me,

"Which ones mine?" Pulling one towards himself.

"Ah ah" Waving a finger back in forth I tug both cups towards me.

"Who said either of these were for you"

"Maya…"

"Okay, okay. You can have this one, shesh. So greedy!"

"I paid!"

passing him the chocolate and vanilla twist I continue to mix mine about, shrugging hastedly.

"You still like twist, right?" Subconsciously I play with the frayed edges of my jeans nervously.

"Yeah, I haven't eaten it in a while but yeah, I do- Oh sweet jesus" Quickly looking to meet his eyes, I see they are closed around a plastic straw, moaning obscenely into his desert.

"Right!" I exclaim."Its awesome right?"

"Oh my God. Yes. Its like, like"

"Like a sunday and a milkshake hate banged in a church to birth this diabetes inducing monster sugar baby? Yes. That is how I choose to believe it happened"

"You're real blasphemous tonight, you know that?"

"Part of the charm, babe" I venture around a mouthful of vanilla.

The minutes tick by while we finish our desert. Mainly teasing each other and marveling over the masterpiece that is the 'Little League Special'.

"The eminem's are a really nice touch"

"Okay enough with the special. We should be heading back anyway, train leaves in thirty minutes."

"Okay, Gorgeous. Let me toss this stuff out and get a water."

"Thank you, Boing." I reply pleasantly.

Josh stands and turns towards the trash bins. Too busy staring after him, I don't notice a pair of men from the rowdy group materialize before me.

"Well hello, sexy." One of the men say, but it sounds like a threat. Breath thick with the scent of alcohol, but he seems far from decapritadingly intoxicated. Just sober enough to ruin my night.

"Hello" I offer rudely. Keeping my words short. Praying Josh returns soon or at least notices the gang of drunk goons whose attention I've unfortunately captured.

"Comn, hun. Don be lie that" The larger of the two slurs dangerously.

The one who holds himself like the leader moves his hand on top of the table top. Boxing me in between his body, my char and the table.

Panic starts to rise bitterly in my chest as I notice I no longer hear Josh.

Squaring my shoulders I remember from my years of self defense classes, my best bet is to use the element of surprise. Forcing down the urge to start telling these guys off, I remind myself these men truly have the capability of hurting me.

Laying on a mask of innocence and fright, I wait for the arm beside my face to relax-most likely taking in my look of submissions as assurance that I won't put up a fight- Then I stand abruptly using all of my body weight and stepping away, taking both men off guard.

"Not so fast, bitch" The tallest man sneers. Snatching my wrist up in a vice like grip

My chest heaves with anger, still I strive to remain calm.

"Let me go, sir"

"Look, Fred. She's so polite, Make sure to say sir when I screw you, sweetheart. I like it."

Seething impatiently, I tug on my hand to no avail.

"Let. Go" I persist darkly, feeling as the anger rises over the fear.

"Listen, bitch. I'll let go when I want to"

Chuckling humorlessly. I stare them both in the eyes. " Sorry,Fred. Whos you calling a bitch? Your boss is a bitch. I am a woman you really shouldn't fuck with"

Well so much for not yelling.

Looking pointedly at the other man, I snarl aggressively, still pulling at my wrist.

"So how's about you let go of my wrist. And put that grip of yours to good use by jacking off your buddy here, looks like you both can afford to relieve some steam. What d'ya think, huh boys?"

'Fred's lifeless eyes turn nearly black with rage. The grip on my wrist tightening further, a blinding pain making me cry out in agony.

Blue eyes widen fearfully watching the blonde prep school looking man cock his fist menacingly. Barreling down towards my face. I screw my eyes shut, preparing for the blow.

"Why you little-"

"HEY!"

And just like that I hit the floor.

At last, I look up and see Josh straddling the man who had been holding my wrist. Pounding into him ferociously. Behind them, the other man regains his senses from Josh's tackle and moves to smash a stray tray left in the floor on Josh's skull.

"JOSH!" I shriek severely. My heart fighting mercilessly within my chest. Weeping critically as I watch Josh defend himself two against one.

"Help him, Help him! SOMEONE HELP!" Crying I run to the three and punching at the men who have gained the upper hand. Pleading with the other men just a few tables away to help. They just stare dead eyed back at me. Shrugging mindlessly.

Finally, finally, Two large men from behind the counter haul up the offending villains as I crouch down to Josh's side on the floor.

"Josh? Baby?"

"Are you okay?" Josh insists behind a split lip and a harshly forming bruise below his left eye.

"Am I okay? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah,just a scratch."

"You're unbelievable" I breath incredibly.

"It got you to smile, though" The man coughs, "didn't it?"

"You're insane"

"Worth it"

The train clicks and clacks vehemently. The only noise among the suffocating silence surrounding the cart. Josh lays his head on my lap trying to mask his pain best he can, but the evidence lies there for me to see despite all his efforts.

"Ow"

"Oh, I'm sorry" Guilt eats at me rapidly. The ice filled ziploc bag nestled between red fingers lessen their pressure on the older boys beaten face.

"Don't be" he mumbles humbly.

"Oh, Josh. I'm so sorry. I can't believe-"

"C'mon, Maya that was in no way your fault"

"No, Josh. Can't you see, this whole day was a complete bust! Nothing went right. I mean what was I thinking!?"

"Hey it wasn't that bad." Josh sits up, gently pulling the ice from my fingers and placing it between us to be at eye level with me.

I pull at my ear shamefully, at a lost for words. So disappointed by how I ruined this day at every turn.

"But it was. Nothing went right and we fought, like a bunch."

"Hey! That's our thing. We argue. It's what makes us, us. Plus its sexy as hell."

"Josh you look like shit! This isn't the time to be joking"

"See? Keep reprimanding me it really sexy."

I huff a small laugh, then return to frowning pitifully. "Josh, I'm serious… I stole a whole day from you."

"Maya-"

"No. Listen to me. I was trying to honor my commitment to you,and have some fun, and prove something to Zay, so I made you come three hours away from Home-To Montauk, for crying out loud! In June! The busiest time of the year. All the while, all you are trying to do is make amends and I go and act like a colossal bi-"

"Maya! Enough! I had a great time" Josh interrupts my rant with a shout.

"Josh" I say slowly, "We sat awkwardly on a train for three hours, then sent to a lighthouse where I got so distracted I ignored you a quarter of the time. Next we stood in line for half of an eternity in the busiest restaurant in North America"

"That's probably not true"

"We had to eat on a beach!"

"That part wasn't so bad" The brunet defends.

"There was sand in our food." I deny, " Look, its sweet that you're trying to make me feel better, but you being the most understanding man alive is just making me even more guilty" Groaning I bury my face in my hands. Allowing Josh to run soothing circles on my back.

Great, he gets beat up and he is comforting me! I'm horrible.

"You got jumped by two chauvinistic asswholes because I can't keep my mouth shut" I mumble against my hands, fighting the tears best I can. I don't want him to feel bad. Raising my head up I look into those earth shatteringly beautiful amber eyes.

"I'm so stupid, an A+ moron. If I could just stop talking for once in my li-mghgjg"

Immediately I feel every cell within my body come to life.

Josh's lips are as soft as I remember. Giving and taking with varying pressure. He tastes of ice cream and soda. Licking at my own plush lips sensually. Without thinking I push my body closer to his. Hands snaking past where they landed in his chest to entwine with dark chestnut strands so soft I could die.

I moan into his mouth desperately, forgetting every rule I placed and every part if me scared of what this could mean. Of how he much he could hurt me, now that we have had this intimacy.

His hands squeeze my hips roughly, then just as quickly as it came, it ended.

Eyes still closed and lips still pursed I try to slow my heartbeat, afraid it would beat straight out my chest., if not just as a means to get closer to the man next to me.

"S-sorry. I just, uh just didn't want you to say any other bad things about yourself."

Embarrassed, I remove my fingers from the older boys Hair. The familiar dreadful ache of rejection slapping me in the face.

Of course. He just wanted me to stop. Don't dilute yourself into thinking it was anything more.

Putting as much distance as I can between us I mask the instinct to revert to that pathetically sad child Josh always saw me as with humor.

I should've known better than to try being close.

"A simple shut up would have Sufficed" Was my attempt at joking but it was more of a disappointed whisper.

Josh chuckles, "like you would listen"

"I'm still sorry" I confess , still feeling guilty.

"I'll make it up to you. We could go out again." And just like an addict I put myself back into the same position I always have to crawl myself out of, bloody and devastated.

Josh raises his eyebrows in question,

"in the city" I rush to clarify.

"Whenever you want- uh A- as long as it's not your apartment"

Why am I doing this to myself? Stop talking, Maya!

What are you fucking doing? He is going to break your heart! It is never the same for us. It will always be me at the bottom, out cold and beyond repair. It's not worth it!... Right?

"Yeah, okay. Next time, my plan. How about Friday?"

"Sounds good" I smile. It's not force, the easy flow of Josh's demeanor somehow contagious. Maybe it's the high of that kiss or maybe I'm simply I am an addict with no integrity; Foolishly attached to what will surely be my downfall.

Rummaging within my purse I pull out a large bottle of wine.

"Weird that the owner just had bottles of wine lying around to give to unhappy customers." I comment, looking for an excuse to drink.

"Yeah well, I did almost die" He exaggerates. Pulling the bottle from my fingers and taking a long swig.

Taking a sip myself, I allow the bitter taste to slide down my throat awkwardly.

"Ah, yes. It is my fondest memory... Now drink, Drama queen."

"You're mean. 'You know that?"

"Yes, yes. It is one of my many, many virtues."

Taking another swig, I pray. For what, I am not sure. But I know I am going to need all the help I can get…

Several minutes past between the two of us sharing the bottle, about ready to open the second and final bottle the owner has compensated us with (one for each patron).

"You're worth it, y'know" Josh announces suddenly. His voice deep, possessed with something that I can't identify.

I look at him quizzically, pursing my lips in confusion, "I'm sure I am not worth a black eye, Josh. You shouldn't hav".

"No. Not just this" He gestures to his face with the hand not gripping the wine bottle fiercely.

"You're worth everything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there you are lovely readers, Thanks for reading!
> 
> Again this chapter kind of just got away from me.
> 
> Still, I really hope you guys liked this chapter, I wasn't sure how it would seem to you guys. So please give me your opinions.
> 
> Anyway, please let me know what you Guys think of Josh's new nickname for Maya. I wanted to give him something other than Gorgeous, but I was having some trouble actually coming up with one. Tell me if you love it or hate so I know how I should proceed.
> 
> Also, there was quite a bit of foreshadow I left in this chapter, comment if you see anything you think may come into play later.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Please comment and let me know if you have any suggestions.
> 
> See you next chapter!
> 
> ~Geni


	13. Show Me

Chapter 13: Show Me

Josh's pov

The first thing I notice upon opening my eyes is the blindingly bright light peaking through my bedroom curtains.

Moaning in annoyance, I screw my eyes shut with a virtually painful level of intensity. The dull ache pounding in my head persistent with its slaughter on my mind.

The second thing I noticed, was a warm petite, pliable body tucked comfortably beneath my arm.

Instantly I feel myself go board stiff. The panic rising through my brain rapidly, as I try to remember what the hell happened last night.

"Nnhh, Go back to sleep, Boing" A beautiful sleep filled voice rings through the silent bedroom. And I swear I hear bells.

"Maya?" Voice thick with question.

"I can practically hear you thinking, Josh. Shut off your brain and sleeeep"

My heart races, taking in our position. Her lips moving against my bare skin with every word. Distracting me more than I care to admit.

Her small body presses closer into my side, causing a tremor to course through me, from my head to my toes. Suddenly I no longer care how we got here. Choosing instead to marvel in what must be a dream.

Slowing down my breathing best I can, I pull her impossibly closer to the arm nearest to her middle, tighter by her waist.

Bravely, I caress the skin at the small of Maya's back, expecting to either be slapped or yelled at...but all I receive as a response, is an almost unheard humm of approval.

Left in awe, for several moments I watch the steady rise and fall of her chest. Taking in the relaxed youthfulness on her sleeping face in admiration.

In lieu of fighting an urge to weep at her sheer beauty, I distract myself with it. Indulging in the single moment that has-since she has returned into my life-felt like a true impossibility.

Careful not to wake her, the tip of my finger strokes the sinfully soft skin of her cheek.

Gingerly moving lower to skim the lush pink lips I could write sonnets about.

Gaping at the smoothness, I commit every curve and sharp edge to memory. Drinking in the angel laid out before me as if every inch of skin presented to me were a gift.

"You couldn't just let me sleep till twelve?"

Whining, Maya moves her head away from its place buried in my neck, a natural disaster of stormy blue eyes take me hostage. And I fall completely into Maya Hart.

Smiling sleepily, she lights up the room brighter than the sun could ever dream to try. Burning stronger than any flame could imagine. She takes my breath away, quicker than space could have hoped for me to die.

"What did I say about the Edward Cullen complex?"

Golden blonde hair fanns behind her messily, but to me she has never looked more beautiful.

"That you're secretly a Twiheart" I mock with a just as sleepy smile.

Groaning with a laugh in response, she returns to her previous location, hot puffs of air tickling my neck. Sending a wave of arousal through my veins, I couldn't find in myself to be ashamed of.

Without thinking I raise my hand to just below her neck, tracing the intricate letters of her tattoo. Reveling in the intimacy she is granting me. However, somewhere in the back of my mind I worry that if I think of it for too long it'll all disappear-She will disappear... So, I focus on the heat seeping into my flesh, failing to repress the overwhelming need to touch,taste, have. Thanking any God, in every religion out there for giving me,even just this morning.

My eyes zero in on the hypnotizing cerlene, staring back at me. An addictive rush thrumming somewhere within my soul, and almost like I was possessed, I feel myself lean forward slowly without my permission,drowning within ocean blue eyes.

Breathless, my gaze follows every surface of her face, drawing her closer to me by the waist.

Dragging the smaller woman nearly on top of me, I bring my nose to her cheek, skimming the skin softly while we breathe each other in innocently, in spite of our compromising position.

Staring into eachothers eyes silently, we somehow speak to one another without words. Revealing to her all my desires with that single heated look.

I want her to be as close as physically possible. Feeling selfish, but harboring a bone crushing fear that this is all a dream...

Hands slipping lower still, I wonder why she isn't fighting me. Though, when her leg lifts to rest between mine, all questions desert me in favor of that sweet scent and soft skin.

I just can't get close enough.

Desire drives me mad, the only coherent thought being my longing; shouting to feel her heartbeat against my own, against my skin, to show her in debilitating detail that she has never before been truly loved. I want her to feel with a single kiss, how I can make love to her soul, infinitely, if only she let me.

I want her to see. I want more than anything to show this woman- the only woman who matters- just how much I care for her. That no matter the years spent apart, the only person I will ever belong to is Maya Hart.

I'd show her through the pressure of lips against hers and skin against skin as we connect in the most intimate way. A way I now know, no man has shared with her.

My Maya a virgin. This gorgeous vixen,spilling at the brim with fire and passion, untouched! It felt nearly blasphemous, a concept I had never entertained.

A woman as strong and independent as the one below me surely piqued the interest of many men, trust me, I can attest to how many tried to persue Maya, in her high school days. (Several of which Lucas and I may or may not have scared off at times.) I would have never guessed.

Despite my incredibly, it was true. Not that it would have change anything if she wasn't. The woman before me is mine, in every and any way she comes.

There was nothing she could do to change that, but send me away. Until that day, I rejoice in every shared moment between us.

That being said, somehow it still made me want her more. A feat I wasn't sure existed. As if the borderline obsessive manner in which I desire Maya Hart could become anymore agonizingly demanding... Yet somehow, it was. And it is.

Because she's Maya, and it doesn't surprise me one bit, that my feeling are constantly growing past points unimaginable.

Since, of course, I know that feeling of when she's gone, I know it will never be as painful as not knowing if she's coming back… And now that she is back, I can't lose my second chance. I won't! Because I want her too much, the thought of losing her now would leave me more lost than anyone could shoot to find.

It's not just physical either. It never has been. I don't want to just touch and taste and feel… More than that, I want to love and laugh and share a fucking life with her. To talk aimlessly for hours about nothing, to share secrets and aspirations.

Maya isn't the kind of person you just want sex from. She is the kind of person you fantasize falling asleep next to. Imagine marrying and bickering over whos turn it is to do the dishes...Someone you cherish.

And God, do I want to cherish this woman! So much, it seriously hurts that I can't. At the very least, not to the extent that I want… The very way she gave me every opportunity to, so many years ago...

"You are so beautiful" I whisper insistently. That fiery need for her to know, much too great to fight back.

Breaking into a large smile, I watch Maya's attention shift onto my lips. Causing a drop in my stomach like only she could cause. I hear her release a satisfied sound, moving closer and closer until our lips meet hotly.

What starts off as sweet soft kisses, quickly becomes something much more passionate. Constellations exploding behind closed eyelids as my skin is set aflame kind of passionate!

My lips move against hers fiercely, moaning when her tongue found the seam of my mouth, swiping against my bottom lip, begging for entrance.

More than willing to grant her access I allow her tongue to stroke mine around her own moans. And I swear I could have died in that moment and life still couldn't have gotten any better.

Pressing our bodies even closer, Maya pulls away to straddle me. Now looking down into my eyes. A look of pure lust possessing something fierce, I could see clearly. Her hair falls past both shoulders, creating a curtain from the rest of the world. Dragging nicely manicured fingernails down my chest.

"Ugh, Maya"

Barley moving, Maya lowers herself to just above my lips. Brushing against them every few seconds, but pulling away right as I try to really give a kiss.

"Maya…" I plead with a low growl, hands moving lower down her back trying to pull her closer.

"Yeah?" The artist taunts, speaking against my lips. Wearing a proud smirk with sparkling eyes, loaded with mischief, just waiting to pull the trigger.

"You better kiss me or I'll-"

"Or you'll what?" She challenges, sitting up fully, flipping her mess of blonde hair over pale bare shoulders, before she lays her weight down on my lap. Rotating her hips wickedly, she shoots me a look that confirms she knows exactly what she was doing.

Chuckling darkly, I stare into pools of sky blue then move the palms of my hands from Maya's waist to short clad thighs, flipping the blonde on her back and growling deeply. Tracking the shivering response from the girl beneath me.

Placing myself between her legs, she throws her head back to laugh. Seeing my opportunity to pepper sweet open mouthed kisses along the length of neck, I suck and kiss every inch of skin I can find.

My 'excitement' grows with each uninhibited sound my girl makes in reaction to every little move I make.I have never felt so good in all my life.

"Ughnn" I groan, breathing heavily when Maya's slim finger tangle themselves in my hair, pulling me back up into another series of deep kisses.

"My god, Maya. You're-This-I feel like this is a dream, like I'm gonna wake up any minute"

"Josh" Maya says.

"Yeah, Gorgeous"

"Josh!" Snapping my attention to her, I stop pressing slow kisses on her jaw and freeze my hands in place, stopping any fondling those may have been doing.

Oh, God. Did I over step? Oh my God, what did I do? Fuck. Fuck!

Ready to grovel for forgiveness, I open my mouth up to apologize when,

"Wake up"

Furrowing up my eyebrows, I bore into her eyes inquisitively.

A dreadful sinking feeling overpowering the euphoric wave of felicity that had claimed me.

A small, nearly translucent hand rises to stroke my cheek sweetly, her own face still flushed before she speaks.

"Wake up, Boing"

"No" I whisper, grappling for this blonde haired angel desperately.

"No! Please!"

"Wake up, Josh. Wake up!"

With a jolt, my eyes snap open. Instantly regretting It when a persistent pang thumps against my head like a hammer. Clear signs of a monster hangover within its early stages.

Throwing my head back against my pillows, I refuse to open my eyes back up. Fully prepared to live forever in this bed. The fresh memory of a sexy filled dream, starring the object of all my desires: one Maya Hart. The only thing to keep me company before I decide to properly revisit society.

Fixing to go back to bed, I feel something beside me move...

"Nnngh. Go back to sleep, Boing"

Sitting up, violently fast, I fall from the bed. Feeling my heart skip more than one beat at the utter surprise raising my blood pressure.

Is this still a dream? That's what she just said in my other one.

Holding a hand to my chest I get up off the floor, looking over the duvet, warily. Expecting an empty bed, before viewing a very disoriented Maya Hart.

Clad in the same shirt she wore the day before on our 'not a date' and a pair of my Christmas pajama pants, she lies comfortable, eyes drooping back shut as she blindly reaches out for...me?

Cautiously, I move back onto the bed, sitting gingerly on the mattress as to not frighten her. I reach out to nudge her awake when she brings the arm closest to me up to my abdomen, shifting upwards in the bed to lay her head on my lap and arm snuggly around my middle.

Ignoring the rush of satisfaction washing through me like a quenched thirst, I focus on the task at hand.

Shaking Maya softly, I will her to wake up.

"Maya," I whisper, "C'mon, Gorgeous. Wake up."

"Nnghh nooo" Maya protests, snuggling deeper into my lap. The cutest pout on deep pink lips. I try not to smile too hard.

"Please, Wendy Darling, won't you come with me to Neverland?"

"No. G'way", She grumbles, contradicting the vice like grip she contains me in. Followed by a much more awake, "... Wait,Josh?"

"Hey Sleepyhead" I tease with a grin. Running my fingers through the nest, Maya refers to as hair.

Scrunching up her face in an attempt to remove any traces of sleep, I chuckle quietly to myself, as a I witness her come to her bearings,

"What's the matter, Maya, can't handle your liquor?"

With a painful look, she raises both index and middle fingesr to either side of her face, massaging her temples, striving to sooth-in vein-the sure hangover looming over her.

"Oh my God. Why are you screaming?"

"I'm not. I'm speaking"

"Yeah well It's too loud. Now shhh" slowly moving back into a fully lying position, she presses her face into a pillow, an absolutely adorable look of determination contorting her face to look so much like a child, I lost all original thoughts in favor of staring.

Mumbling into cloth, Maya keeps her eyes closed as she questions with a yawn, "W-what are you even doing h- Wait where am-" The blonde jerks up into a sitting position, looking around the room panicked.

"Oh my God, I never called home! Oh fuck, fuck shit. They're going to kill me! Oh fuck shit fuck fuck! Oh ouch!" Jumping off the bed, Maya scrambles to the the floor of my bedroom, searching for, most likely, her phone.

"Are you okay? You probably have a monster hangover. We went pretty hard last night…" Rubbing my neck nervously, I move to the door and into the kitchen, returning Maya's phone from the kitchen counter, feeling her following close behind me.

"Yeah, i'll be fine. Ugh,God! How could I do this?" Shaking her head tortured, Maya speaks the end to herself. Clicking the phone on before dialing someone's number.

Moving to the kitchen, I serve us both glasses of water. Pulling out a bottle of Advil to help with the migraine she is surely suffering through.

Staying in the kitchen, I leave her in the livingroom to make her calls. Swallowing two pills myself.

Though, the fairly small apartment doesn't leave much room for separation, the sentiment is clear. My true motives partly afraid of how she is reacting, partly in respect of her privacy, and wholeheartedly due to my unwillingness to be much farther than the current distance between us.

"Hello? Hey Peache-" I listen to Maya murmur cautiously. Guilt written across her face in big bold letters.

"MAYA HART! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN. DO HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I'VE BEEN? ARE YOU OKAY?"

Riley's voice rings past the receiver of Maya's phone reaching all the way across the room. A true testament of how angry she really was.

Pulling out ingredients for an omelet and toast, I begin preparing us breakfast. All in hopes at giving the young blonde a little more privacy… And distracting myself from how utterly appetizing the woman looked in my clothing.

"Yes, Peaches. I'm fine. The night just got-"

"IS THAT MAYA? CURLY, WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?, IVE BEEN GOING INSANE LOOKING FOR YOU. HO-"

"Zay… Zay, Zay you're not letting me ta- Isaiah! Listen to me!"

Like a punch to the face, the jealousy returns all at once. Something deep inside me, bothered on a cellular level that the younger boy has the audacity to raise his voice at my angel.

Chancing a glance in her direction, I see she was already looking at me.

Grinding my teeth behind a tight lipped smile, I understand without words she is asking if there is somewhere else she can go to continue her conversation.

Pushing aside the bile rising up my throat, I point to my room. Gracing me with a small smile and a curt nod of her head, I watch her pad down the hall into my bedroom to talk to her… Boyfriend.

Squashing the bitter feeling, twisting my face in distaste, I busy myself by cracking a few eggs in a bowl, picturing Zays head in its place.

Mixing the ingredients distractingly, I search for a silver lining. Still feeling the lingering warmth from the body that had slept contently by my side the whole night.

"How can you be smiling right now?" Maya's sweet tenor reappears moments later, standing behind my sorry excuse of a kitchen island.

I hadn't realized I was grinning maniacally. The events from the night before echoing with the recesses of my mind, too precious to not think of fondly.

A drunk Maya, laughing hysterically at literally nothing, while I practically carried her- drunk myself- into the apartment.

The night before:

"C'mon, horsie. giddyup!" A very intoxicated Maya Hart shouts off the back of one Joshua Matthews.

Carrying her piggyback, Josh holds her legs tightly. Worried that in her state of intoxication, she would fall.

"Oh, woooww. Therss a ec-wchoo in here." Jumping of the older mans shoulder, Maya looks around the hall in astonishment.

"Echo, echoo. ECHO… Woah!" She slows down, clinging to the arm of the only man she has ever loved.

"That was loud" She whispers scandalized. A torrent of giggles following soon after, "Tha waz so quiet!"

Josh throws his head back, releasing a full body laugh. Leaning against Maya while they try to gain some support off the other.

When the laughing dies down enough for them to remember what they were doing, Josh exclaims his realization.

"Oh! Right, tha dore. Duhh" Fumbling with the key for several minutes, Josh finally manages to push his key into the designated slot. Maya cheers beside him, supportive- 'you can do it. Kick iss ass!'-words of wisdom. Influencing many aggravated shouts from Josh's neighbors.

"Got it!" Josh reports proudly, looking to Maya for her approval.

Clapping her hands frantically, Maya praises joyously. A warm sense of accomplishment holding the older mans head high.

Walking into the apartment, the younger woman, stops beside the doorway. A funny look of confusion pinching the space between her brows.

"This Isnnt Correeys an To-paangs placee." Jutting out her bottom lip in contempt, she turns to the Matthews brother.

Laughing drunkenly, Josh mindlessly yanks his shirt off over his head. Tossing it behind him, choosing to worry about it when his brain isn't so fuzzy.

"You're drunk" The man snorts, kicking off his boots, haphazardly, paying little mind to where they land. Proceeding to collapse onto his blue sofa with a huff.

'I'm not drunk!" Maya fumes, doing the same with her own sneakers."Yourr juss blurry..." Slurring heavenly, the girl tilts her head curiously, before meeting loving amber eyes and bursting into another fit of hysterics.

"I thinck wee R drunk" Smiling broadly at one another, Josh reaches out aimlessly for one of the girls arms. Tugging sharply until she tumbles onto the couch beside him.

"Ugh" She professes in distress. "I'm hot."

"Really hot" Josh retorts, nodding his head in agreement.

"Not lie thaat, pervert!" She grins unimpressed, shoving the older mans shoulder away. Keeping her hands on him though. Both succumbing to the consistent longing that they regularly neglected. Their drunken minds finding that it felt far too good to be wrong.

Moving from her seat beside him, to rest her back against the opposite arm rest, Josh whines at the loss of contact. Smirking sleepily, she places her legs a top of Josh's thighs. A gruddel sound heavy in his throat escaping at the return of her warmth in his body.

Moving nimble fingers to the button of her jeans, she fumbles with the zipper before raising her butt up and shimming the old denim down her hips. Removing her legs back off the man again, she pulls the offending garment off her completely, throwing it behind her in disinterest.

Josh's eyes rack down her body in a trance. Scanning the miles and miles of smooth white skin. Yearning to just touch, but knowing full well, even in his inebriated state, trying anything right now would do so much more harm than good.

Uninterested in harming this perfect girl in anyway he could help, he removes himself from his thoughts. Making the conscious decision to not move his hands from the blue eyed girls' ankles.

Suffering through the battling emotions swarming through his heart and his dick, Josh gingerly removes Maya's tantalizing legs from his lap. Standing abruptly and looking away from the one and only weakness in his life. From the moment her skin leaves his hands, a wave of ice floods his entire body. For whatever reason, in that moment the alcohol brings back the first weeks Maya had left for school.

Not long after he said those awful things that lead her over the edge and as far away from him she could get, a cold cloud of depression hovered over him for weeks, the knowledge dawning on him in that she may never come back.A feeling he wished he could forget…

Resisting any abating memories, Josh staggers awkwardly into his bedroom. Rummaging through a random drawer before returning back to the living room to confront a half asleep Maya.

Blonde hair fanning over the arm of the sofa, Maya has her eyes shut softly, looking like something torn straight from a fairytale.

Sucking in a breath, Josh fights off the urge to cry.

Knowing had he not been such a self righteous moron, this is where she could have always been. With him… In love…

It's almost a travesty how long he went restraining himself from this angel on earth, when she had been right there. Patiently waiting day after day for the man she loved to open up his eyes, to realize how stupid he was being by denying them both what it was they truly wanted.

Living up in the tower of isolation he banished her to,in order to keep himself from somehow tainting her with his unworthy.

Unfolding a pair of Candy Cain shorts pajamas, the older man sits besides the love of his life, slipping the cloth past slim calves, then thighs and finally hips. Biting his lip painfully as he shoves his desires aside.

Forcing away any distasteful thoughts that may have occurred upon seeing the deep scarlet panties, clinging to pale flesh so seductively, it should be illegal. He brushes any stray strands of hair from her face. Leaning down to press a chaste kiss to the top of her head.

He raises his eyes to Maya's sleeping face, remembering the last time he saw her like this. Nearly a week now. Her words that night haunting Josh most nights since then,

"I don't hate you, Josh. But… But I'll never love you again"

"If only you knew how much I regret that day, Gorgeous. All the things I would do if I could take it back" Silent tears fall shamefully. Mourning the chances wasted and the life that he threw away.

Sighing deeply, he wipes away his tears, bending down to hook an arm heath the blondes knees, the other supporting her back onto his chest.

Opening up pools of deep liquid blue, she smiles lazily up at the tortured man carrying her through his apartment.

"Heeeyy."

"Hi, Darling" The older man says, displaying a sad smile, understanding this could be the closest to Maya he will ever get.

"Where we goin'?"

"To bed."

"Oh, no. But that's so boring"

"You need to sleep, Love. There you go. Comfy?" Shifting on the bed, Maya humms happily. Turning to face the taller man, thanking him with her eyes. She tugs on the pajama shorts that fit her more like Long-johns. Leading Josh to rush towards the fan. Turning it to the highest setting, then moves back to Maya's bedside.

"G'night, Maya."

"Wait! Don't go" Facing the door, Josh's mind reprimands him for even entertaining the thought, but… His heart throbs painfully, Jumping into his throat just at the thought of having the smallest chance of knowing what it feels like to wake up nestled in the arms of Maya Hart.

Please, God please!

"Maya…" He objects meekly,

Amber eyes flutter shut, hands fisted at his sides. Reimagining every dream he ever awoken from where Maya had never left. Countless dreams where he suffered through the privilege of experiencing Maya Hart in a way he never allows, only to be ripped from her grasp the moment his eyes shoot open. Grated with the mundane existence without her.

"Please?" Maya offers in a whisper, reaching her hand out grougily. More asleep than awake, still her pleading eyes do something that renders the older man utterly defenseless.

And that right there, with that simple uttered request, his resolve collapses. Looking over his shoulder at Maya he feels something inside him snap.

Before he knows what he is doing, he finds himself pulling on a pair of sweats and lying into the most delicious heat, he couldn't have dreamt up. Wrapping his arms around slim hips and burying his nose in the lemon and raspberry scent of her shampoo. Josh releases a sound of contentment that Maya smiles at in spite of herself. Hooking her own arm on top of his, she pulls him tighter around her, falling into deep sleep soon after.

Gaping in awe and sobering up further, he counts the breaths she takes. Josh waits to enevidably wake up from the single most beautiful moment he can recall being apart of.

"I love you, Maya Hart." He mumbles, the only thing to bear witness to his confession being the soft snores the girl beside him makes.

Maya pushes into his warmth, consumed by the most comfortable sleep either of them has ever had.

Both thinking to themselves, as the dark oblivion overcame them.

We can worry tomorrow.

Present Time:

"Josh?"

Blinking, I shake myself back into reality.

"Sorry, spaced for second there. Uh, so everything okay back home?"

"Yeah, they were just y'know, worried. I guess after everything last night I forgot to call home… Speaking of which, how's your face feeling?" Fidgeting slightly, Maya subconsciously raises a slim finger to just below her neck. Tracing the ink of her tattoo nervously.

Stepping towards me, the blonde lifts her other hand to just below my abused eye. Stroking the slightly purplish flesh with concern.

Wincing at the contact, I cover up my pain with an easy smile, "What's wrong with my face?"

"Oh? Well I'm sure you get this a lot, but it looks like crap"

Taking in the moderately more relaxed posture, I figure she had been worried of how I would behave after that kiss last night or the fact that she woke up this morning in my freaking bed!

I was glad I was able to put her at ease.

"Seriously though, Boing. Are you okay?" The hand re-appearing below her nape tells me this tick is a result of guilt more than nerves.

Though she has nothing to feel guilty for, I told her last night and I would tell her again. She is worth everything this life has to offer. And I would gladly jump in to defend her again if such an occasion arose for a second time.

"I am fine." I appease, scraping the eggs from the pan onto two sets of plates.

"You don't look fine"

"Then stop looking" I sass, smiling at the annoyed roll of the younger woman's eyes.

"Um…" She begins, "Do you, err- think I could stay a bit, I mean… You know what, never mind I should probably just- yeah"

"Not planning on staying for breakfast, Mrs. Darling ?" Hiding the excitement bubbling just beneath the surface, I place both plates of eggs and toast on the kitchen table beside two pills and a glass of OJ I left there before. Taking a seat, I smile encouragingly, praying she understands what I mean. That she's welcome as long as she wants.

"I did go through all the trouble to set it up for us."

"...Well since you went to all the trouble…" Maya mimics with a grin.

Plopping down onto the chair across from me, she shovels a forkful of eggs into her mouth, before moaning around the metal.

Looking down at my own plate, I set aside the suggestive comparisons rising in my mind with dream and reality. Refusing to allow myself to think of how pale my dreams are to reality.

A domestic feeling I wasn't familiar with washing over me like a balm. The silence covering us both, in some way felt comfortable. Granted, we both were harboring a monster hangover.

Looking up, I take the opportunity to stare at the girl before me without any consequences. Drinking in her flushed cheeks and suddenly shy demeanor.

I can't help but wonder what the hell she spoke to Zay about. Were they fighting? Is that why she wanted to stay over, to get away? Did he know she is with me? Is that what she meant yesterday by 'proving something to Zay'?

All these questions and several more gnawed at my mind mercilessly. Feening to know where she and I stood with each other.

Before I realize any time has passed, the blonde is wiping her mouth and making her way into the kitchen with both of our dirty dishes.

"You don't have to do that." I call after her, standing in order to close the gap between us as decently as is proper.

"Nonsense. You made it, so I clean up. It only makes sense." Smiling sweetly, Maya navigates through my kitchen as if it weren't the first time she has ever stepped foot in my apartment.

It's so much better than I ever thought… Having her here. Moving around my home aimlessly, bringing the furniture and walls to life. A sense of being complete that has never been associated with this apartment. Maintaining the image of Maya Hart filling the empty spaces of my heart with her Presence just as she does the rooms of my home.

She is everything good in life all rolled into one person. Wild and unpredictable. A perfectly put together mess.

Edging closer and closer, the more I fantasize. The constant dark cloud of loneliness that has surrounded this apartment since I moved in, slowly but surely easing its way out of my life. It's existence ebbing away by Maya's bright light.

Without a word we fall into step with each other. Maya washes as I dry.

"Um, so" I begin, "was everything okay with Z-at home. I heard shouting."

"I really don't want to talk about it,Josh…" Blue eyes remain unmoving. Suddenly finding the shine of the sink eternally more interesting.

An awkward silence disruptes the pleasant morning air that Maya and I had instituted.

Placing the last dish in the rack I turn to face the blonde completely. Mirroring her stance of leaning against the sink with the island directly cross. "So I was thinking" Feeling the sweat accumulate on my palms, I try to calm my racing heart.

"Don't hurt yourself"

Cracking a smile, I take in her slightly damp shirt clinging to her skin. Reading the expression clear on her face divulging to me that this is how things are between us. At least for now: friendly. I can work with friendly.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny,punk. Anyway, last night you said we could have another da-not date." I correct smiling, when she opens her mouth to protest. Looking down at her bare feet, I watch her smile knowingly.

She is so beautiful.

"Yeah?"

"How about today?"

"What?" Barking out a breathy laugh and running nimble fingers through her hair, Maya gives me a look only she could manage, "Josh, we are both in no position to be going anywhere. I don't know bout you but my head feels like its been attacked by rabid dogs and your face looks like it. I'm not so sure about going out and doin' stuff"

Laughing nervously I shift from one foot to the other awkwardly. Walking towards the couch, the soft creaks on the floor boards telling me Maya isn't far behind.

"I wasn't actually referring to going out…" I profess taking a seat.

"Josh-"

"No wait. Listen to me." My eyes track the lip being drawn into her mouth, a pool of envy taking up the space in my chest at the single tooth biting into the flesh.

"It's just hanging out. You were planning on staying here for a little bit anyway. For your hangover to get better. Let me just fire up Netflix and we hang out. What do you say?"

I watch the internal debate transpire behind her eyes like a movie. The selfish part of me ignoring how difficult this could possibly be for her. Lips flattening into a line, she shakes her head slowly before flicking up to trap me in her gaze.

I feel my breath hitch in preparation, composing my disappointment best I can, waiting for the 'no'.

"Fine!"

"What?!"

"I said fine… If that's still okay."

"Y-yeah- yeah. I mean yes. Yes, of course."

Giggling at my bout of word vomit she moves to sit beside me. "Good"

I pretend not to notice the canyon of distance between us or the abyss growing in my chest. Having her so close but so, so far away. A pain that I have become addicted to, all if just to be near her.

Forgetting the present desire to have the blonde as close as possible, I embrace the chance she is giving me. Echoing, "Good"

Maya and I spend the afternoon slowly recovering from our respective hangovers and finally settling on watching the 'Good Place'.(After of course well over three hours of watching Maya's favorite Supernatural episodes and discussing our conspiracy theories in response) Teasing one another just as yesterday, the warm fuzzy feeling returning into my body while we fall back into our routine.

At an excruciating pace, Maya becomes more and more relaxed in my presence. Always silver tongued, she taunts me mercilessly, especially after the hangover eventually dissipated. Taking every opportunity to poke fun at each other ,we fall into step with each other, a task so easy I could hardly catch my breath. But regardless as how effortless it is to just be with her, I can sense the apprehension guarding her every move.

Afraid to get too close but still trying to remain near.

Now, we sit close enough I can feel the laughter vibrate pass her ribcage each time the characters on screen say something funny. Short legs sprawled across my own comfortably, I can't remember the last time I have been this care-free.

Four o'clock begins to come around a lot earlier than I was ready for my girl to leave. But I know it must happen sooner or later.

"How many episodes do we have left?"

Clicking pause, I move from the main menu and skim the remaining episodes.

I answer, without removing my eyes from the screen. "Five"

"Hmm" she hums. "Where are my shorts?"

"Somewhere on the floor by the door, probably next to my shirt." I recall, pressing resume on the remote, in hopes that she becomes too invested in the plot to leave.

"...Josh" The frightened tone woven within her voice draws my attention back to the blue eyed beauty.

Pinching my eyes in confusion, I subtly check her for any injuries. Clicking the T.V off as to not disturb her further."What's wrong, Gorgeous?"

Muttering under her breath, Maya tries to calm herself down.

When tears begin to pool behind crystal blue eyes, I move without thinking, pulling her onto my lap. Rubbing her back as soothingly as I can, placing myself in protector mode, instinctively knowing I had to make her feel better.

"Use your words, Maya. Tell me what's wrong"

"Did we- Oh. Josh I am so sorry. I don't remember. Oh, I can't remember." Shaking her head sorrowfully she hugs me tightly, babbling faster than my brain can follow.

Wiping the tears from her checks, I cradled her face in both hands. Forcing her to meet my eyes, "Maya, what are you talking about?"

"L-last night. I can't remember us having... Losing my..."

Maya swallows thickly, casting her eyes downwards, to avoid my gaze. A look of pure devastation, both breaking my heart and furthering my confusion.

I look blankly at the terrified and guilt ridden girl on my lap for several moments, before it dawns on me.

I couldn't help the booming laugh that explodes from my throat.

"This isn't funny Josh! Stop." Unshed tears fighting and failing not to fall.

"No, no. Your right. It not funny" I agree in my best serious voice. Though the smile isn't far behind.

"Josh!" Maya shouts in irritation, moving to get off my lap.

Laughing, I reach out and drag her back, "Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just… You are so cute!"

"Cute?"

"Very" Smiling, I bringing my hand to her drying checks, running the pad of my thumb over baby soft skin gently.

"We didn't have any sexy times, Gorgeous. I'm pretty sure I threw up in the Uber we took last night. So ,yeah sex wasn't really in the cards for us."

"Oh"

"Yeah. 'Oh'... Even drunk, I have too much respect for you to ever objectify you that way. Okay, Wendy, Darling?" The corners of my mouth lowering from an amused grin into a fond smile seem to coax a similar reaction from the young blonde.

Maya tucks loose strands of golden hair behind pierced ears allowing me to fully appreciate her beauty at a range I had yet to experience.

"You got really hot last night so you starting shedding clothes before I got you into those shorts." I explain softly, pointing to the candy cane pajamas. "You know I would never do that to you, Maya. Don't you?"

Penetrating blue eyes gaze into mine intesley, as a delayed pause suffocates the air around us. And it almost feels like I can feel her heart beating in sync with mine.

After what feels like forever, Maya speaks,"No...I really don't. I know you'd never do something like that, I'm sorry. Th-thank you… For taking care if me."

"Thank you for letting me."

We remain seated for several minutes, just stewing in our silence.

"By the way never call me cute again" Maya demands, but there's no heat.

Standing, the woman looks around the room expectedly, stopping short when her eyes zero in on the paint stained jeans from the day before. Strutting towards the abandoned garment, Maya bends to pick them up. I absolutely don't pay attention to certain body part on full display.

I move to just across from the small girl, a short laugh playing at my lips.

"It's not your fault that you're so cute, Maya. But it is actually ruining my life."

"You're are the biggest dork ever!"

"Why, thank you. I'll make sure to have that plaqued"

Maya shakes her head smiling, fiddling with the cloth in her hands.

"You mind pausing? I'm feeling a shower"

"A...shower?"

"Yeah. Is, is that okay? You look a little choked up there, Boing."

"Oh yeah, I'm great… Just, uh are you planning on staying?"

Her smile falls slowly at my question, and I feel like kicking myself for being the cause of its leaving.

"Is that still okay?"

"Absolutely," I rush to amend, "Its just, I know you have people at home waiting for you…" Trailing off, I feel the anxiety course through me violently.

"Well, as long as it's still cool with you. I'd rather finish our show"

"He'd let you do that?" It's out of my mouth before I can do anything to stop it. Though neither of us address who 'he' is we both know. The formalities lost in the hurricane of discomfort and avoidance, both Maya and I have perfected.

Biting her lip with a smirk, Maya lifts dazzling blue eyes to meet mine. Behind the blinding color, I witness a familiar chaotic spark burning steadily.

A smile creeps onto my lips as I fall completely into Maya Hart. Just as easily as I always have, but this time, unlike so many before, I don't fight it.

"The question isn't, who is going to let me. It's who's going to stop me? Now, do you have any clothes that won't fit me like a tent? Why would you even give me long johns, we aren't all jolly green giants, Josh."

A deep seeded wave of relief washes over me, as I do my best to wipe off the face splitting grin from my face.

" Those are actually shorts, Gorgeous"

"You're lying."

"No one told you to be short, Wendy."

"Screw you, Mathews. Just show me to the bathroom, and leave the clothes by the door."

Ignoring the wave of emotions flooding my senses at the knowledge of Maya wanting to stay and the fact that she will be showering in my ap- okay… Backup. Let's tread very carefully here Josh, back away from those thoughts before you place myself in a position that will cause more harm than good.

"Sure."

Showing the blonde to the bathroom I hand her a set of towels after rushing to grab one of my smaller t-shirts and a very old pair of ninja turtle shorts I'm surprise still exist. Placing them into small expecting hands before she goes in. Too uncertain at how I would behave being so close to a stark naked Maya Hart otherwise.

Running my hands through my tousled hair, I pace my living room idly. Reprimanding myself for not being more clear before, as to prevent a panic attack from the young student, yet I still couldn't help experiencing an unadulterated level of joy at how i calmed her down. She choose me. She fucking chose me!

I busy myself with mindless games, in an attempt at ignoring the naked girl in my shower right now…

Ugh, get a grip and stop being a pervert!

Maya emerges from a cloud of stems forty minutes later. Rubbing a towel through thick drenched blonde locks, flashing a great white smile, that makes me goes weak.

Smiling goofily in return, I stand in pursuit of the kitchen. "You hungry?"

My clothes fit her loosely, but she looks so adorable, I keep my comments to myself. Certain she would put on her used outfit from yesterday, all just to spite me.

Standing in front of me, she craned her neck all the way up to meet my eyes. Presenting long pale skin shamelessly. Swallowing hard, I shake my head to rid myself of my less than decent thoughts of completely ravishing the girl before me. Starting with trailing slow and hot kisses to and from that sinfully enticing column of flesh.

Snap out of it, Matthews.

"Let's get a pizza and have an early dinner." She suggests confidently, slinging the damp towel over a chair. It enticed me how comfortable she is in my home.

"I can always just make us some pasta with meatballs. It's really quick."

"We can't do that! It's inappropriate."

"What and how?"

"Cooking me dinner is too romantic."

"Romantic? It's spaghetti not stake, Wendy Darling." I counter in charmed disbelief, crossing my arms at my chest and leaning against a counter, taking full advantage of my opportunity to just stare at Maya.

"Ah,Pan. How you disappointment me!" she exclaims scandalized. I try so hard not to laugh out loud.

"First of all! Spaghetti is the most romantic food in the world. Look at lady and the tramp! Don't you dare laugh Joshua Mathews, Disney is Gospel! Their word is law. I'm not kidding, stop laughing" The artist babbles, chucking herself.

"And second of all, stake is not romantic it's just a way for men to show woman they can splurge on hardly cooked carcass."

"Fine, fine. I'll order a pizza" I contest, rolling my eyes at her smug smile.

"But you should know that in my opinion, home cooked meals would help with a hangover aftershock." I add, reaching for my phone.

"Wanna know what the difference between pizza and your opinion is?"

Raising an eyebrow in question I wait for the punchline.

"I asked for pizza, not your opinion."

"Hardy har har" I deadpan, easing my phone to my ear to make the order.

"Half bacon, quarter hawaiian and quarter plain, right?"

Momentarily stunned,Maya gapes at me.

"What?" I chuckle confused.

"How on earth do you remember that?"

The voice of a distant delivery person rings through my phone. With a look I tell Maya to give me a second and place the order, swiftly.

"It'll be twenty minutes. What were you saying?" I apologize after hanging up. Moving to sit back on the couch.

"How do you remember my favorite Pizza?"

"C'mon, Gorgeous. How could I forget? One, it's one of the weirdest combos ever and two," I tick off on my fingers, " I distinctly remember, it was your first hangover, actually; when you realized you liked it. After of course, declaring the only cure to a hangover was death, you realized the magic of greasy foods."

Laughing to myself, I don't notice the intense gaze taking permanent residence on the side of my face. Reaching Maya's eyes, I watch the storm raging behind almond shaped blue.

"What's the matter, running out of comebacks there, Maya?" I say, reverting to our teasing tone. Wanting to keep the conversation light and not knowing what else to say.

Though a larger smile does takes over lush pink lips, the hurricane behind Maya's eyes continue to reign havoc on my nerves. Undecided on whether it was something good or not...

"Well you see, I've been trying so hard to be my normally fabulous self, y'know all my adorning fans present here today." She finally says. Raving in a joking voice from across the room

"Naturally, of course." I muse.

"But, I was simply so fabulous last night, I'm just too exhausted!"

"Is that so?"

"'Tis sad but awfully true"

" ...You're insane you, know that, right?"

Maya gasps comically. Faking a deep look of offense, "I most certainly am not! I am an acquired taste, Mr. Matthews. Don't like me? Acquire some taste!"

Flipping her hair over her shoulder, Maya walks to the couch with a huff.

After a moment, she looks to me with a beautiful grin.

So beautiful…

For several moments nothing happens, yet I sense something swarming through the mind of the younger girl.

Setting myself closer beside her, I grab her hand, stealing her attention. Restraining myself from jumping for joy when she doesn't pull away.

"What's going on in that pretty head of yours" I implore softly.

"You…"

"Is-is that, uh. Is that good?"

"...I think you're supposed to be there." Maya answers with a nod. "It's up to you to tell me if it's good or bad"

A rush of emotions swarm in my stomach, tinting my cheeks an embarrassing shade of pink as I let the silence blanket the air around us.

"What else do you remember?"

"Everything" I reply without hesitation, suppressing a shiver when Maya turns my hand over in her palm, tracing lines around the center.

"Like what?"

"...Like the birthmark riiight here" Leaving my hand to her doodles I trail the other from her arm to just behind her shoulder blade, tracing my fingers over the cloth lying there.

I pretend not to notice the shudder that steals her body, just as she does to the smirk that adornes my face.

"I remember how much you hated it. Some girl said something about it in that summer camp. You came back and swore up and down you were gonna have them removed as soon as you were older. Do you remember what I told you?"

Searching through tender sapphire eyes, I feel my throat go dry. Maya drops my hand and moves her hand across her chest, dipping her hand into the T-shirt and tugging down her shoulder, exposing the creamy skin living there.

"Yes… You told me, it was the exact shape as the constellation Sagittarius… The mark of truthseekers…"

"Amongst other things." I add stroking the skin gently, almost afraid if I press too hard Maya will shatter before me.

"You took so many pictures of us that day. Riley and I have never felt so good about ourselves."

Maya's eyes become far away, looking into a vacant distance, clearly remembering one of the few good memories I managed to supply for the girl.

It was then that I remembered.

"Oh!"

"What?" She replies startled by my sudden flee from the room.

Running to the hall closet I rummage through the seventh layer of hell that is the mess I meet past the door. Reaching high for the only thing well kept in the entire space, I pull out a medium sized yellow box from the top shelf.

Returning to the couch I place the slightly dusty box in front of the puzzled blonde. What a hope is a excited look taking over my features.

"What's this, Boing?"

"A graduation present."

"A gradu-why?"

"I've actually had that for four years. I completely forgot to give it to you. It's your high school graduation present."

Smiling sadly, I run a finger on the perimeter of the cardboard.

"You,uh… You left so quickly after the ceremony that day, I didn't catch you in time before you left. I did try afterwards but you had already left for early enrollment and while I didn't know it at the time, you never planned on coming back so,... Happy graduation!"

Maya's frown cracks something within me. As if I haven't already caused her enough harm, I am making her guilty for protecting her own heart.

"I'm really sorry, Josh. That was immature of me, I was just so-

"-Don't be. Please. I really don't blame you for leaving me, Maya. I blame myself for not giving you a reason to stay…"

"Josh," she whispers brokenly. Gripping the bright wrapping paper,as if she's holding herself back from something.

"Open it, Wendy. It's no Neverland, but I think you'll like it."

With a nod of my head, I urge her to open up the four year old gift. Bearing witness to the war battling in her brain. About what? I am not sure.

Tearing the yellow paper to confetti, pale manicured hands pull out a black leather bound frame.

Maya gasps softly, raising a surprised hand to cover her mouth.

"Josh…"

"Do you like it?"

"I love it! Oh, Thank you. Thank you so much."

Resting the frame on her lap, she reaches over and pulls me into a tight embrace. Engulfing me in the scent of my generic shampoo. A tremor slides down my spin distractingly at the prospect of her leaving with my scent all over her.

Wrapping my arms around her waist we stay like that for a little while.

Maya is first to pull away. Returning to her previous position, staring at my ancient handy work. An awestruck expression permanently taking residence.

A rather intricate collage of the moments I have captured photographically in Maya Hart's life, since the moment I received my first professional camera. Moments she hadn't realized I had taken photos as well as moments she had.

Many of the blonde holding onto sketchbooks with heavily smudged fingers and a great deal with Riley and other member of our family. The last photo clipped to the edge, the newest of them all. One of a 19 year old Maya receiving her diploma, a proud smile gracing the audience with the magnitude of her sheer beauty. A slight sadness behind intoxicating sapphire, though I feel I was the only one who noticed…

Right at the center a well loved photo of Maya accentuating her new found appreciation of the very cluster of birthmarks we were just reminiscing about.

"I can't believe…" She ventured in a whisper, but I think it was more to herself.

"Can't believe what?"

"It's just… I-I didn't think you saw me."

Her confession leaves something missing where my heart would be. The bitter taste of regret taking control of my senses.

Biting my lip in contempt I fight back the impulse to grovel at her feet, begging her for the forgiveness I can see she is already handing me against all her better judgment.

"I'm sorry I let you believe that."

"Corey said you pursued the mechanical engineering portion of your studies, even that your thinking of buying your own garage someday. Are you not still doing this stuff?"

"Well, like I said I made this years ago. And while I am going to hopefully soon get my garage. I remember this certain blonde, comically short, super annoying, maybe you know her" I jest with a smirk.

"Josh" she warns with a roll of her eyes. Unconsciously stroking the edges of her frame.

Chuckling, I continue, "So this aforementioned wonderful, comically short and super annoying blonde told me,not to give up on one dream to indulge another, but rather, to embrace both... So I did."

"I freelance for a couple newspapers in Manhattan and one local magazine in Soho. I'm still doing Mechanics but, photography was always apart of me. And while my favorite subject is no longer at my disposal," I remark winking, jestering to her, "I couldn't give it up. i'm not amazing or anything, but-"

"You're more than amazing, Joshua Matthews. Don't let anyone tell you differently."

Maya places the frame on the coffee table centimeters in front of us, before entwining our hands.

"Okay?" she presses, staring into my eyes. She squeezes my hand reassuringly, unaware of the effect she has on me.

"Tell me you won't let anyone tell you differently, Josh."

"Maya," I start blushing.

"No. Say it."

"... I won't. I promise."

"Good" Nearly blinded by the large grin Maya displayed, it sent a sunny warmth through my body, glad I am the reason for such a stunning expression.

"I love my gift, Boing. Thank you so much."

"No problem, Wendy."

Maya shakes her head amused. Leaning forward in her seat to put the frame back in its box, then neatly placing it in a safe place.

"Are you seriously gonna keep calling me Wendy? That's an actual persons name. One that isn't mine"

Tapping my chin in false thought, I repress my smirk, "Well, I could always go back to calling you ferret"

"Wendy's fine!" She hastley supplies. I throw my head back in a full body laugh, adoring how easy it is to be with Maya Hart.

"Thank you, Mouthy Maya!" I mock, once I regain my breath that is.

Maya resorts to sticking her tongue out at me, much like yesterday and I find myself thinking of how much better life would be with this woman always beside me.

"Very mature, Gorgeous." She only smirks at my response. Reaching over and resuming our show before leaning back into the worn cushions.

"I can't believe you made me college"

"Had I known how happy it would have made you, I would have found a way to give it to you earlier."

"Don't be silly, the point is I got it. And I love it. So don't worry about when. It's kinda sweeter this way."

"Well I did miss four years worth of holidays and personal celebrations, maybe I should make up for lost time, now that we're friends and all."

"That's not necessary, Boing."

"Oh, I think it is"

"Josh, please don-"

Thump! Thump! Thump!

"Oh looky there, grub time" I taunt with the same words from the night before. Smiling widely as a plan formulates in my mind.

Maya shouts after me as I take off towards the front door.

I pay for the pie, setting it on the coffee table and moving to the kitchen to retrieve some plates.

We remain like that for a couple minutes, eating and watching television in a comfortable silence, before the need to talk to her more is too much to ignore.

"Hey, was that Ayn Rand you quoted earlier?"

"Yeah, actually!"

"Don't keep looking so surprised. I know my stuff. You really have a thing for literature, huh?"

"It's a pleasant kind of surprised and clearly you have a thing of proving me wrong. Please do keep it up…" I could here the hidden message existing between the lines, so I promised myself I would.

Maya reaches for the last slice when I notice the familiar battle raging in her mind from earlier, "Hey! What if I'd I wanted that"

I chide in an attempt at distracting her thoughts.

"Too bad, so sad."

Slamming a open palmed hand against my chest I make a mock hurt expression, "You stole a pizza my heart, Gorgeous"

"Oh my God! I just lost my appetite!"she exclaims, tossing the slice on the plate and faking disgust. "Your puns made me throw away pizza, Boing. Do you understand how many crimes you have just committed!"

Laughing, I lean back to gaze properly at the younger girl.

"You are so snarky."

Standing from her place on the floor, Maya moves to sit next to me, placing her legs on my lap, much like before.

"If you can't handle my sass, you can't handle this ass!" she cries, slapping the outside of her thigh.

I feel the heat rising to the apples of my cheeks just as Maya throws her head back, tousling the drying curtains of hair to frame her like a halo.

"And you call me cute…"

We finish the first season with minimal excitement after that. Simply, relishing in Maya's company. We tease and gasp along with the characters on screen as the season finale approaches.

I'm not sure when we moved or when I got so close but I wasn't prepared to looked a gifted house in the mouth. Willing to bask in small miracles.

Maya's shoulder leans against mine innocently, with her legs crossed on the table before us. Still, I could feel her breath tickling the skin closest to my neck, reminding me of the dream from this morning. Dream-Josh performing acts of loving I don't know if Real-Maya would ever permit.

"Josh," Maya breaths softly. Lips parted softly, bringing to my notice that I had been staring. Snapping my attention back to the screen I devote my focus to the current hijinks Kristine Bale was facing.

Ultimately, and much to my distaste we reach the end of our marathon with a very excited Maya.

" .God! That was such a crazy ending! Just perfect" She exclaims both ecstatic and disgruntled at having no more material to watch.

"Yeah… Perfect" I profess, maybe a bit too intensely. I hope she doesn't notice.

She does.

"Josh," she chastises, a small crease pleasing between her brows. Telling me she is no longer in the state of the carefree domestic comfortability we succeeded in procureing in the last evening.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I wasn't gonna try anything, I promise!" I assure, though we both know its a lie.

"We agreed-" She testifies pained,

"I know I know, Wendy." I try to joke, the evident loss of control over the conversation not sitting well. Petrified that I may have ruined all the progress from our two days with a single look.

"It won't happen again, I've returned from Neverland. "

Shaking a mess of golden curls Maya smiles meekly. "Maybe I should just go

"No. No don't go Wendy, darling, there's a gag reel for the show. You don't wanna miss that. I'm Sorry. I promise, it won't happen again… Tonight anyway." Followed by weak laugh on her part, she rises and slips on her shoes.

"I should really go, Boing. It's late anyway."

Defeated I release a deep sigh, trailing after her, dragging my feet slightly as I watch her gather her things. Maya tucks her gift into the denim bag gently, after wrapping her sweater around the frame with a great deal of care.

Despite the pang of loss aching in my chest, a sense of pride fights for control. Knowing I created her something she valued so dearly, so quickly.

I want to tell her not to go. To demand she stay with me. Shout that it's all her fault that I feel this way. That I can't stop thinking about her or dreaming about having her. Beg her to tell me, now that I know what it feels to fall asleep beside her how am I expected to without her. I want to shout and cry in order for her to understand to believe;that there is no me without her. Not now or ever.

I remember trying to get over Maya with such a scope of clarity, It's like looking through a camera. The nights spent with meaningless women. Convinced if I could just put her out of my head, if just for a moment, I wouldn't care as much, that I could forget about this one girl.

This teenage girl, way too good for me who declares she wants me just as much as I want her. Claiming she knows that I want her, despite all my hateful words. Willing not only to wait for me but to love me anyway.

Something I never could do.

But it was wrong. So wrong. She was sixteen and I was just starting college, a world she wasn't even close to be ready for. Who the hell was I to pull her from her life?

So, I buried my pain within the thighs of varies blonde women from university looking even remotely close the only woman I have ever loved. Hoping against hope that the feelings I was so hellbent to deny,would be masked by the pointless conquest taking up space in my bed…

And while it it was so much easier, it was infinitely worse.

It hurts so much less to have someone you don't want, than to want someone you can't have. But it's also, boundlessly lonely...

A sharp pain starting in my chest before lowering itself to all my senses where all I feel is guilt and sad and alone.

Still, I can't let go. Not now. Regardless of Zay. Of whether or not she loves him or if she never stopped loving me. Because I love Maya. I am addicted to everything about this woman. Her voice, those hands, her laugh. I have tasted her mind and can't forget its flavor. Lying low on my tongue exploding with a need for more. Screaming for a dose of Maya Hart that will never be strong enough.

Maya takes me so high, I constantly fear the fall, but I came to realize long ago it's worth the risk to have her all.

"I really had a wonderful time, Josh. Don't for a second think I didnt. Thank you for today."

Flashing a shy smile, Maya flicks her gaze to and from my eyes, present once again that same look, of a clear internal battle. Unsure of something...of me? Or perhaps herself?

I stand still in front of her. Towering over the petite blonde, almost predatorily. Something feral simmering just beneath the surface. Begging and demanding she know she can trust me. That I would never make the same mistakes from before. Although, logically I know it is too much to ask.

If she could just see my life without her, Maya would understand it was no life at all.

Crouching down, I rest my forehead to Maya's. Shutting my eyes, while I breathe her in.

She smells like my shampoo and some scent that is just Maya. It leaves a warm feeling in my chest, to know she smells like me, thinking my bed must smell like her too… And I just don't want her to go.

"I want to kiss you," I whisper thoughtlessly. Fear turning my blood cold of what my confession could bring.

Silence…

For more than a minute, nothing is said. No sound is heard. I don't believe either of us even breathed.

I open my eyes to have Maya's large doe ones staring at me purposely,

Licking her lips sinfully slow, she brings a pearly white tooth to pierce the bottom one. Jutted out, it begs me to suck into my mouth. Ignoring those impulses, my eyes track every feature, rubbing slow circles on her back where my arm rests.

"Why?" She finally offers, still not moving away.

"Because I love you…" I reveal without hesitation,subconsciously holding her petite body tighter.

Again, trying to commit every moment to memory as best as I can.

Pulling away gently, Maya moves her hands to meet mine behind her back. Lacing our finger firmly in font of us.

"Do you remember what you told me yesterday at the lighthouse?"

My brows Furrow curiously at the dismissal of my deceleration of love. "I said a lot yesterday"

"I don't show many people that spot. And honestly, after everything that went down between us, I genuinely don't know why I showed it to you. Yet, I did" One small hand rises to my chest to softly press the area closest to my heart.

"I went on a tandem on how I felt about where we were and that I knew how little people understand it. I have heard them give spiel as their dismissal of my facination. However, You didn't tell me that it was okay or that it was my thing anyway, like most people have... You Asked me to show you… Now, I'm asking you to show me." There's a urgency to her voice. Trying to convey best possible how serious she was.

"It is easy to say 'I love you', Josh. It's an entirely different one to prove it. So, show me Neverland, Peter Pan. " Releasing my hands, Maya rises to her tippy-toes and presses a long sweet kiss to my cheek.

It is then that I fully understand the scope of what Maya is demanding of me.

Captured by her saphire prison I analyze the words she has just profested to me...

I can say I am sorry a thousand times. I can tell her 'I love you' as much as much as I'd like, but if I don't prove- just as Corey said the other day- the words I say, then I shouldn't say them at all. Because if I don't show them, they don't mean a thing.

Gracing me one last meaningful look, Maya leaves the apartment and alludes;

"You love me? Show me…"

Show me, Peter pan...

Bonus:

(Convo with Zay)

Maya shuts the door as quietly as she can,jumping up onto the mattress a tad too tall for her height. Lowering the phone volume substantially as she listens to her best male friend reprimand her further.

"I swear to God, Curly, when I see you! What the hell is wrong with you, Maya. Not a single call?" He finishes, fuming strong enough for Maya to feel the heat radiating through the distance.

Though, the thought of it having more to do with the long smooth body she had spent the better part of all night with, was a more likely culprit to the butterflies swarming her stomach violently.

"Are you done yet?"

"Not even close!"

"Will you please stop arguing with me, Zay. I am safe. Josh got beat up last night after head guys went after me and drank a little after and neither of us were really thinking straight enough to call. I'm sorry. I'll give you and peaches the details when I get home."

In one breath Maya renounces the information fluidley. Pinching the cloth on her legs. Not recognizing the clothing at first, before realizing they must be Josh's.

"Wait… You slept in his house?" Zay whispers scandalized, suddenly morphing into a middle aged suburban mother I'm the eye of Maya's imagination.

"Yes, but nothing happened."

"Huh,"

"Don't sound so surprised!"

"Maya, honey, this is your first and possibly current love. You can't blame me for thinking impulse control wasn't really your strong suit with this guy. Especially when you consider your past." He notes Sympathetically, "Didn't you jump on his head once?"

"Are you laughing? Stop, jerk! I can restrain myself, thank you very much." The blonde sneers fighting a vengeful blush.

"I'll be home, soon. You can analyze the entirety of yesterday after this hangover is brutally murdered." Groaning, she digs the heels of her palm painfully into her eyes. Desperate to relieve all pressure.

"Now that I know you're safe, you just have to tell me about yesterday. I don't think I can wait!" Zay paces the shared guest room of the eldest Matthews giddily. The curiosity on top of the previous-but now discarded-worry making him antsy.

"Think you're gonna give him another chance, Curly?"

"Ugh, I haven't the faintest idea, Zay. I mean we have another not-whatever, but this one is his prerogative so-"

"Wow, another. That means something."

"I don't know, Z. It was more of a: I can't believe I got you beat up please let me make it up to you type deal. I was even surprised he agreed."

Laying back onto the quilt, Maya buries her nose in the scents surrounding the room, surpressing a delighted moan at how utterly delicious it all is.

If only 15 year old me could see us now…

"I think you should stay today."

"What? Are you insane?"

"Seriously, if you wanna see how you guys behave in private situations just as much as public this is your chance, just for a little."

"For someone who supposedly wants to pursue me romantically, you sure do push me into the arms of other suitors often enough."

Chuckling genuinely, Zay shakes his head at Maya's naivety. She still doesn't understand his main prerogative is always to have her happiest first.

"Ha! What can I say I have layers. I'm like an onion" Zay rebuffs with a laugh.

"Okay, Shrek" The artist snorts, recognizing the reference instantly. Glad that Zay is truly on her side, literally no matter what. If the current conversation is anything to go by. Still, she can't help the guilt constantly present when they discuss the youngest Matthews brother. Fully aware that it must somehow affect him, regardless of what he claims.

"Listen, do what feels right, Curly. I just… I have a feeling like you have to be sure about everything to do with Josh. And If you ever do decide you want me, I want you to be 100% sure. Okay?"

Nothing is said for a while before Zay checks to see if the blonde is still there.

"Maya?"

"Y-yeah. I'm here. Just thinking… Maybe I'll stay for a little while. I'll text you before I leave."

Nodding though she can't see him, Zay allows a confused cocktail of happiness for his friend and a very dull, nearly unfeeling pang. Something he has become very familiar with, that he really believes brings him no pain. The familiar feeling that Josh Matthews may be an ass whole but one that Maya will never fully let go.

He saw the look on his face the other night at the house and the same at the carnival. There's no way the man wasn't regretful of the things he had done. While Zay may not fully trust the older mechanic, he trusts Maya to make her own decisions, as well as caring enough for to push her towards the older man, if only for her to be happy. For that he will put aside any level of hate he holds for Josh and the things he's done to his friend.

"Be safe, Curly. Okay? Call me if you need me"

"I will"

With a deep breath, Maya attenotsto slow down her heartbeat. feeling it accelerate at the thought of being with her first love, alone. Again.

"Okay, okay, okay. You can do this, Maya."

The blonde chants incesively. Shaking her limbs loosely, before taking another breath and opening up the door to face her single greatest weakness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! So that was chapter 13, I really hope you liked it.
> 
> It was my first time writing anything remotely steamy, please tell me if it was utterly dreadful so I can refrain from doing more while simultaneously working on making it better.
> 
> Thank you again for all the comments. They really do inspire me to do better. I tried to include a some things you guys suggested best I could.
> 
> This one also came out longer than expected, but I figured if people rather enjoyed the longer chapters I'll make more of a effort out of it. I'll make my decision on that front based on response.
> 
> Again let me know about the Nickname now that it's been cleared up, bye lovelies!
> 
> See you next chapter! We finally get another Riley, Maya, Ava and even Sarah. With a nice heavenly dose of Joshaya fluff, so stay tuned.
> 
> ~Geni


	14. Everything I Need

Chapter 14: Everything I need.

Maya's POV

I lay down staring holes into the cracked plaster for a long time. Pleading for an answer to appear on the white ceiling. To rescue me from the self inflicted torture brewing in my mind. Allowing the lumpy cushions to wreak havoc on my tight muscles, I squeeze my eyes as tightly as I can. Willing my longing to ease itself from my body as I struggle to find sleep.

The past evening plays behind glassy eyes like a movie. A vivid splattering of images twisting and turning something powerful through my chest.

Messy brown hair and easy smiles so persistent in its beauty I feel myself fall further into my mind. Drowning in my confusion.

I can still feel his hands. Taste his breath. Recall with perfect clarity how close I had come to letting him kiss me. And I wonder, in the dead of night about more than I have let myself in ages. Clutching a ridiculously giant banana into my side, fabricating his warmth best I can.

What if I had? Would he have tasted the same?... What if I had?

I stared half the night onto that ceiling, eyes burning with unshed tears as I entertained the thought of going the rest of my life without kissing those lips ever again.

And honestly, I don't believe I can.

But fuck, if I wasn't going to try.

Ugh…

A sharp pain stabs into my back wickedly, rousing me from my not so wistful sleep.

It was worth it though, so I invited the pain.

Call it a penance, if you will. Payment for my instinctual- foolish- actions these last few days (And probably years.)

After spending the better part of the day wrapped up in everything Josh. His home, his arms… His bed. The mere idea of being anywhere else left me paralyzed.

Leaving was my only option if I wanted to explore a platonic relationship with the younger Matthews brother, but that didn't mean that every cell within my body wasn't weeping at the mere idea of having to go.

This strange consuming feeling crashed through my body like a tsunami when I left Josh's lower Manhattan apartment. A solid absence resigning in my chest. A feeling of not only missing the person or place you left behind but also missing who I am when I am there-anywhere-with him.

With my nose buried in the bright yellow cloth of Beanie, I subconsciously hug him tighter to my body. Josh's faint cologne still clinging to the fabric even days later.

I pretend not to recognize the warmth of comfort that washes through me. A small smile tugging at my lips as Josh's grinning face is painted behind my eyelids. The domestic and peaceful day before lingering in my thoughts, heavy with desire and that familiar easy happiness that Josh always seemed to wear like an article of clothing rather than a feeling.

Prying my eyes open, I turn towards the open end of the couch. I am drawn from the dizzyingly thoughtless joy that Josh has recently dominated in my mind, by a deeply irritated Zay.

"Hey.." I croak out. Voice rough from sleep.

Narrowing his eyes pointedly, I feel a chill battle against the warm thoughts that had just been swimming through my head.

Sitting up, I listen to the district pops of my cracking back. Knowing somewhere deep in my bones that something wasn't alright.

"Morning to you too, Sunshine" I say sarcastically to his lack of response, attempting at relieving the suffocating tension.

Zay doesn't move from his spot across from me. Pulling his phone out and typing in a few characters.

After a silent moment I hear my blaring ringtone come to life.

Carry on my wayward son!

there be peace when you're done!

Lay your weary head to rest!

Don't you cry no more, No!

Slowly moving my hand to bellow where a pillow sat, I pull out my cell phone from beneath It.

"Oh, so it does work!" Zay accuses sharply. Turning towards the kitchen, a look of pure rage contorting his face violently. Causing his almond colored eyes to darken further.

"Zay-"

"When did you even get home, Maya?"

"Not too late." I hesitate, knowing fully well, I had spent the better part of two hours (In addition to the half hour to get to Corey's from Josh's apartment) walking around aimlessly with the single purpose of avoiding my best male friend. Very aware, that by ignoring of all his messages since yesterday morning, could only mean an argument.

I had decided to spend the entire day in the company of the only man who managed to break my heart, rather than the few hours I had promised. It would've been naive to think something consequential wouldn't follow.

Returning home would mean going to bed. And going to bed means lying beside Zay. Something we had been doing when necessary since freshman year. It has never really meant anything before. Nothing more than having a comfortable place to sleep. It's not like we share a room in our shared apartment. Nothing more than a shared wall. But for some unknown nagging reason the thought of going back to the Matthews' and laying beside the one person who's had my back since the very beginning, well, it makes me physically sick. As if I'm somehow betraying Josh. As if,if I were to, I'd be sabotaging any possible future we could have.(Not that I believed we would have a future… But I guess hope is never so lost it can't be found.)

It didn't make sense, but the persistent nauseous feeling is what lead me to sneak into the dark city apartment and lying quietly on the rough sofa in silence. Wishing it was a different, blue one found on the other side of town.

Suffering through an internal battle of fear and hope, I stared blankly into oblivion contemplating all the signs that support Josh actually trying.

I found myself moving without my permission. Tiptoeing through the guest bedroom, flinching with every creak the floorboards made below my bare feet. Maneuvering through the room, my eyes catch the neon yellow of the desired object. Moving toward the toy and holding it to myself as I made my way to the door. Glancing back just once to ensure that Zay was still asleep.

Convinced I was in no danger of waking him, I pushed away the ball of guilt swirling in my stomach and closed the door as quickly and quietly as I could. Padding down the corridor, moving towards my bed for the night. Inviting dreams of a man I've tried so hard to erase, disregarding all my doubt in favor for embracing every desire.

I could feel the anger rolling off of Zays' shoulder in a blazing frenzy. It seemed he couldn't get away from me fast enough.

Heavy footfalls beat against the wood as he moved to the kitchen.

"Bullshit!"

Instantly I felt the sleep slide from my body like a blanket. Irritation swiftly replacing my veins haziness with sizzling fury.

Taking a controlled breath, I refrain from shouting 'I don't need to give excuses to anyone, including you.'

Instead choosing to say tightly,"Zay, calm down. It's no big deal."

"Did I do something? Are you mad at me a-and this is your way of getting back at me? Because if that's the case then I am sorry for whatever I did. I am. Now please stop acting so freaking reckless, Dammit!"

"Watch it, Zay!" I warn darkly, " And what are you talking about? I am not mad at you."

"So tell me, why did I wake up alone?" He contests, raising a single eyebrow in contempt.

The lights from the kitchen shone down above his head illuminating his anger all the more. The steely seriousness of our argument sending a nightmarish chill down my spine.

I think of telling him he truth.

Of honestly confessing I wasn't willing to put either of us in pain just by laying beside each other. I was aware that Zay could read me as easily as I could read him. It wouldn't take long at all for him to feel my rigidness beneath light covers. It wouldn't be long before he saw-truly saw- how pathetic I really am.

The words are right there at my throat. But what would I say?

With each passing day I become more and more sure that loving Josh is the only way I am allowed to feel in this world. And I am so disgustingly selfish I'm afraid if you were to know that, you and I will never be the same. So the thought of lying beside you- causing you to know and hate me as well as feeling as if I betrayed Josh made me sick. So I decided to sleep here.-Yeah, no. Not gonna happen. As much as I hated lying to Zay. Hurting him is worse.

"I fell asleep on the couch, Zay. It's no big deal.", I repeat, feeling my own anger passing slowly. More concerned with righting this awful wrong challenging our friendship.

"I'm not mad at you, Zay. I haven't done anything to hurt you"

At least not purposefully… At least not yet...

I watch as his shoulders relax, he leans over the kitchen table, palms up. A defeated look crinkling the skin of his forehead. I hate that look. More than that, I hate being the cause of it.

"Zay," I begin, taking small steps towards him. " I just wasn't tired when I got home and fell asleep reading fanfiction on my phon-"

"Stop it, Maya!" He snaps, turning fluidly to meet my startled eyes.

Several moments of choking silence abuses the air around us, yet I can see the surrender in Zay's stance.

He's never been one to stay angry at me, just as I never could with him.

His body turns to face me but his eyes stop somewhere behind me, before meeting my own. Tracking his eyes to where they were held, I recognize what he had directed his focus to.

There, peacefully innocent lays an obnoxiously bright yellow banana. Something he must not have noticed with my body having been practically on top of it when he entered the room. I turn back to him slowly, dred dancing vindictively through my veins.

Meeting my eyes, Zay bores into me. Instantly he knows. He it was a decision to sleep on the couch. He knows I'm lying. And he knows I did go into our room last night and made a conscious choice to find the closest existing object in that room, that connected me to Josh...In that look I can read that he knows I choose to sleep beside that, rather than him.

The expression on his face is indiscernible. Even for me; the one person who knows him best.

"You do realize this is me that you're talking to, right? You can't lie to me." I feel my eyes flash with my own anger, once again. The familiar defense rising up my throat.

"You can't tell me what to do, Zay."

Throwing his head back towards the ceiling, I watch him visibly shake as he straightens his back. A twin reaction bubbling to the surface within me too. A deep seeded sensation of dread swarming my head. It's too freaking early for this.

I hate fighting with Zay.

"We don't do that. We don't lie to each other, Maya. I've never lied to you, so I can tell you when you shouldn't. You and I have always kept it 100 with one I won't have you ruining that!" Running a trembling hand through his hair in frustration. Zay shakes his head once again as he walks past me towards the door.

"Where are you going?!" I demand. Feeling myself lose control of the situation.

"I need to get some air."

"Zay-"

"No, Maya. I told you I trusted you to make your decisions. And I wasn't lying when I said that I have your back regardless of who you choose. But going off and disappearing for entire days wasn't part of the deal! You don't get to go out and leave me here to worry about what's going to happen to you after being with him"

"I thought you trusted me!" I shout.

" Yeah YOU, Maya! Not him!"

Without another word Zay swings the big mahogany door open and slams it shut without a glance back.

Fuck!

Tears pool past my crystal blue eyes and I blink them back best I can. I shouldn't have allowed myself to get so lost in my thoughts.

Zay's shouts were still vibrating through my rib-cage when Riley walked into the living room. Clad in a casual dress and flats. Her chocolate eyes hold a sorrowful underlayer. Shoulders sagged slightly as she took in my red-rimmed eyes. Clearly she heard what happened.

Zay and I hadn't exactly been discreet, but thankfully-and this is why Riley above anyone else is my best friend- could read on my face that I needed a distraction.

Smiling sympathetically, Riley stepped forward confidently. Taking my hand in hers and tugging me in the direction of the Guest Bedroom.

"C'mon, Peaches. We're gonna pick up Sarah and Ava. Get us some brunch, hmm yeah?"

She doesn't let me answer before I find an outfit strategically placed in my , I allow myself to be coaxed into a sweetheart top and artfully ripped jeans. Stuffing my feet into some boots.I vaguely acknowledge the new level of height I normally marvel in before leaving and trail behind my oldest friend.

The few precious moments of silence Riley gifts me, permits me to come to a disarming epiphany.

Yes, I felt my heart tear at the idea of Zay being angry with me. And yes, I wanted to shake with guilt as well as anger- frustrated because I thought he understood, he said he understood! And angry because he obviously didn't. However, in the next moment I just knew the guilt I felt was more so that I could tell he was hurting than for guilt of what I had done.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

It only takes twenty minutes to reach my mother and Sean's Apartment. It takes twelve for Riley to awaken the light back in my eyes.

The clicks of my boots are echoing through the staircase of the building when Riley finally brings up what we are both trying to forget.

"Zay was pretty loud this morning…" The brunet awkwardly declares. Fiddling nervously with the loose strands of her chestnut colored hair.

I roll my eyes endearingly, taking notice of the sheer effort it is taking her to not just sit us down on the center of the staircase and forcefully comfort me.

Grasping loose strands of hair between two fingers I avoid her good-natured investigation, raising them further behind my neck to trace the lines of my tattoo.

"So your house is still being fumigated I see. When are you and Lucas moving back in?"

"Maya…"

Sighing, I roll my eyes. Figuring it best to just get it over with. "Yeah. He may be a little crossed with me."

"Because of josh? I thought it was his idea for you to stay with him yesterday."

"It was." I admit, shame coloring my tone. I may not feel bad for what I did. The two days with Josh had their tense if not fully awkward moments but-just as everything that has to do with the man- it was Beautiful, so I just couldn't bring myself to regret them no matter how much I should. Still,I couldn't rid myself of our argument this morning. I could have handled it better.I know that.

"So was the trip to Montauk, but what he didn't suggest was for me to disappear for two whole days, Riles. I can't blame him for being angry... I fucked up"

The door is right in view when a pale petite hand comes up to squeeze my shoulder. "Maya."Riley uses that soft, 'I'm on your side but you're wrong' Voice. A plethora of middle school memories assault my brain at its use and my heart clenches.

"You didn't do anything wrong, and somewhere in that head of yours you're hurting yourself over something you know isn't your fault."

"Riley-"

"No, Maya. You and Zay have a really strong bond, I don't think it's going to end over this. It was just a stupid fight. Don't blame yourself. Just give each other time. He'll come around, Maya"

Nodding miserably, we step up to the brightly colored door and knocked a handful of times.

"Thank You, Riles"

Her smile is blinding,"Always."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Sarah is beyond overjoyed. Skipping around beside us. A shocking contrast to the shy mumbling girl who we just picked up from mom and Seans place. But just as I knew,all she needed was a few bonding moments to acclimate herself to the eldest Matthews sister.

Plus, how hard is it really to get along with Riley?

"It is so amazin' to finally meet the Riley Matthews!"

Riley' eyes were as wide as her smile. Pleasantly surprised by the turn in Sarah's personality. "It's so great to meet you too! Maya has told me a lot of stories about you."

"All bad, I'm hope'in." Sarah smirks, shooting us both a wink.

Tossing my head back in a laugh, I link my arms with the two brunettes and am so glad I have them to distract me from what could've been a very self destructive afternoon.

"And all 100% true."

For a moment I felt weightless. A vacant portion of myself missing somewhere in the abundance of joy consuming me in presence of my sisters.

And Riley and Sarah truly were as close to sisters as anyone could get.

Thanks to them, if only for just these moments; I didn't think about Josh or Zay or about all that pain I suffered at either one's right now, I am just a woman spending her time with her girls. Relishing in their company as I so adored. With no drama, no confusion, no hurt...

Riley gave me a side look from my left, smirking knowingly, "Don't look too happy, M"

Sarah and I both raise a curious eyebrow challenging the other brunet,

"We still have to pick up Ava from play practice..." Opening up her mouth in fake shock with a mocking gasp and an amused smile flashing her teeth, Riley backs away wiggling her eyebrows.

Sarah barks back a rambunctious laugh of ignorant joy. I feel a giggle rise through my chest as well. Contorting my face into pseudo disdain, I shift my attention to Sarah.

"Don't laugh you pixie! You haven't even met her yet. So I suggest you don't kid, until after she's been released into the wild."

Sarah shot me a scandalized look, unlinking our arms to slap me."Hey! I'm like a freakin' inch shorter than you. And she cannot be that bad, Drama Queen!"

Chuckling evilly, I clutch my arm with my now free hand. Running it up and down as I move away. Jogging slowly so I am ahead of the two women.

I turn around so I am now walking backwards, preparing my stance in case I have to run.

"More like a foot" I taunt, watching as Riley shakes her head, grinning at our shenanigans.

"You're wearin' heels, you biatch!" The country firecracker shouts outraged, starting-just as I thought she would- in a running position to chase after me.

Our laughs and smiles blur into the background of the city noise, the weird looks from passing patrons meaning very little to that weightless feeling I hadn't known I missed so much. Riley runs after us too. Giggling uncontrollably just as Sarah catches up to me-damn heels!- and hops onto my back, proceeding to make me carry her piggyback all the way to the train station.

Yeah… today was gonna be a good day.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

We arrive at Columbia university at around twelve. Standing aimlessly by the front gates for Ava, chatting among ourselves.

It brings me an indescribable amount of appreciation and satisfaction that the two people in the world who I consider my sisters are getting along so well.

Being with Riley and Sarah has been distracting- in a good way- to say the least. But, there's just so long I can go without finding something that reminds me of him.

It's almost like he haunts me. Like the actual thought of him has unfinished business with my soul.

It's never anything lavishly relevant. It can be the shape of a cloud or a crack in the plaster of some random building.

Or as it was today; a vague, nearly unheard argument existing in hushed rage between two young lovers on the train.

His name rockets into my mind like a in-suppressible collision. It varies from bringing me elation and bringing me sorrow. Still, the misery at seeing these two strangers, drawn into their own vacuum of space, existing all on their own… It reminds me of all the times I've lost myself within Josh's gravity. Defenseless against his pull, as I orbit his beauty, gasping for his love as if it were oxygen.

And always opposed to my better judgement; I know in my heart of hearts,that I have never stopped loving Joshua Matthews.

Yet, that same level of unflinching devotion I had felt for him is no longer there.

It was replaced.

Ripped out and rewritten as an unyielding sense of fear.

It only got worse when the nameless couple inevitably made up. One second spewing venom in their muted corner of rage, the very next I watch as the petite redhead shoves the man before her, moving to stand, but he grabs onto her wrists. Whispering something that she must have found worth staying.

I stared, glad Riley and Sarah were so engrossed in whatever conversation they found themselves in, to pay attention to me and my clenching heart.

I watch entirely enthralled, biting my lip sharply as my rebellious mind swaps out these strangers with two very familiar faces. Just like magic, I observe this stranger,drag what must be his girlfriend into his lap, saying god-knows what, until her frown shifted into a grin. A mess of octopus arms clutching one another, in a way that wouldn't suggest they had just been at each others throats just moments before. Moving to be kissed breathless instead.

Blinking quickly, I shake the image of rosy pink lips pressed desperately against mine. Heat moving through my body-and not in a way appropriate for public transport.

Trying not to, only made me think of Josh more. Prompting an endless stream of memories from even before I came back. Where we have gotten in each others faces, bringing out the grittiest most raw parts of ourselves and remaining intimate all the same.

It hurt.

Because, despite what my imagination could lead me to believe, unlike that seamless couple on the other side of the train-car. Josh and I have never- and if I listen to my brain, will never- have that solution to the intimacy that crackles against the flames we ignite in each other.

It hurt more than I could possibly comprehend.

It was that pain that led me to understand, that though above most things I fear what Josh could do to further break my heart, it only solidified just how much I care for him.

I can understand that it's not always the fluttering nerves and goosebumps that tell someone you are in love with them… sometimes it's the pain. And the willingness to endure it.

"Hey, what are thinking about, Peaches?"

Riley is beside me before I can think of an excuse. Trying to escape the onslaught of all thoughts Josh and love. I turned to see both hers and Sarah's concerned faces.

Feeling myself shake the stiffness from my body, letting a smile possess my features to put them at ease.

The words 'nothing' just about to leave my tongue when Ava appeared. Clad in an ole' renaissance style floor length dress and a full face of powder white makeup.

"What's up bitchez!"

Riley and I share a meaningful look before crossing our arms and looking the teen up and down.

"Would you like to go first, or shall I?"

Tilting my head toward my best friend I grin like a child, "Oh, please let me go first."

Ava rolls her eyes,"If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them."

Sarah was the only one to laugh,

"Daammnn! That was good." Sarah snickers. Dragging Ava's attention from mine and Riley's confused yet amused faces.

"A little more than kin and less than kind." The teen enquirers. Still clearly not knowing who Sarah is.

I really shouldn't have been so surprised Sarah was playing along. Or that she apparently could recite lines from Shakespeare's 'Hamlet'.

"How now? A rat?"

"I am pigeon-livered and lack gall" Ava replies looking impressed. Raising both brows at the nearly excited smirk that pushes a sparkle into my baby cousins brilliant blue eyes.

"A beast no-more!"

There's several seconds of silence before Ava breaks character, stepping towards the brunette and slinging an arm over Sarah's shoulders.

"I like you."

"I get that a lot."

"No way, me too!-"

"Oh my God, there's two of them!" I offer in a false scandalized whisper. Taking the attention from a bemusedly dazed Riley and two drama nerds.

"Oh screw you, Maya!" Sarah shouts sticking her tongue out.

"Oh, I really like this girl!" The blonde teen declares with an excited squeal, "Who are you? This group needed someone else cool."

"Excuse me? Firstly, her name is Sarah and she's my little cousin. Secondly, you two just recited Macbeth in the middle of the street, how cool can you possibly be?"

"And have you looked in the mirror?" Riley adds.

Clearing her throat, Ava lifts her chin high and smiles brightly as to inform us, "Firstly," she mocks before cackling like a mad woman, "That was 'Hamlet'. Secondly,always be a stiletto in a room full of flats, ladies."

"You're insane" Sarah praises, like a compliment.

"Oh, totally! Though,I prefer creative."

"Alright, Mrs. Creative. Let's go before I die of starvation."

Riley moves forward drawing us towards a casual lunch spot. Assuming no other place would let Ava through the door adorned in her Ophelia garb.

The conversation follows no rhyme or reason after that. Dipping in and out of significance as we exhaust all forms of discussion.

Commending Ava on her lead performance in a college play despite her age and highschool status,and Sarah on her new job in such a different place than she grew up. The topics spearing as if from nothing. Refreshing more than anything else. To be so carefree and unafraid of revealing something that could potentially put myself at risk.

"So how's this Lucas, I've been hearin' so much about?"

"I bet perfect." Ava interjects. "Sarah, when I tell you that boy has been attached by the hip to Riley since middle school. I mean that seriously. My Auggie and I have only ever had eyes for each other that's rare! But those two, hmm. They're forever."

While Sarah's attention is focused on the blonde, I notice from the corner of my eye the stiffness that adopts Riley's back. The smile that had been playing softly at her mouth, freezing in place and not reaching her eyes. Furrowing my eyes pointedly, she turns to shake her head quietly, efficiently ignoring the concerned look I shot her way.

I make a mental note to question her on that, at a more appropriate time.

"Aww, that's so sweet. Do I hear weddin' bells ringin'?"

Laughing rigidly, I feel the need to change the subject. Stealing the attention from Riley, I meet Sarah's bright blue eyes. "What about you, shorty? Still dating that British guy?"

"Oh? There's a british guy?"

"Stop makin' fun of my height Maya! We are literally the same height." She demands with a light smile, ignoring Ava's comment.

"Yeah, okay.", I purse my lips, mockingly rolling my eyes before a sharp smack meets my bare skin.

"Ow! Will you stop hitting me?"

"Will you quit height shaming me!"

"Stop avoiding the topic. What happened between you and Balthazar wannabe?"

"God I wish you'd stop callin' him that. And you know I've never seen Supernatural. Those references go right over my head." She giggles. Pinching the bridge of her nose before giving a look that says she so done with me. "Collins and I sorta ended things last fall"

"Last fall? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't relevant..."

Trailing off after her sigh, shooting me a glowing grin, but I could just tell there was more to that story. Could read in her eyes a forced avoidance, screaming to be let free. A look, I myself neglected to face in the mirror for more years than I could count.

But again, not the time, place or audience to have such a discussion. I file another mental reminder beside Riley's, to check on them both.

"Did everything end okay?" Ava presses gently.

Sarah shrugs and smirks, this time it does meet her eyes, "Oh yeah. It was real simple, girlies. It was...religious differences."

"Religious?"

"Yeah. He thought he was god. I didn't." She chuckles, " I remember at the end he seriously thought his dick was a gift to humanity. I assured him it was not. Shit, Maya's got heels bigger."

"Bet the heels feel better too." We all erupt into small laughter falling back into comfortable territory.

"Before getting into anymore ex boo talk, let's asses how on everything that is good and holy, why are you still wearing that awful, awful dress, A?"

"What are you talking about? I look fabulous!" She exclaims loudly, flailing her arms in awkward sharp posses.

"You look twelve." I deadpanned. Sending a wink at our waitress standing by the hostess while watching our table like a reality T.V show.

"Yeah, on a scale of 1 to ten!"

"I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong." I smirk.

Riley and Sarah are laughing between us, trying to behave polite as our food makes it to the table. Though even the waitress has a creeping smile threatening to break through.

"Hey, listen, I'm not a narcissist, Maya. And I know looks aren't everything. But I have them at all times just in case."

The blonde teen counters, picking up a fork and dropping it to the table like a mic drop, looking very pleased with herself.

The waitress loses it! Snorting loudly, before quickly standing straight and apologizing. Scurrying off into the kitchen.

I school my face into a concerned expression,"Does it hurt your back, kissing you own ass that way?"

Ava gaps at me in shock, opening and closing her mouth until deciding to stick her tongue out at me as her best response.

"So, do they always do this?" Sarah inquires, facing Riley.

"Oh like you wouldn't believe! Once we visited her in Cali and we were kicked out of three stores."

"No!"

"Yup" The older brunette says to the younger. Popping the 'p' and she takes a sip from her cup.

"Umm, hello!" Ava interrupts, "We're right here!"

Placing her cup on the table and reaching over and pinching the teens check softly, Riley replies in a baby voice,"Yes, you are!"

Ava shakes off her hand and we all once again engage in a fit of giggles, picking at our food belatedly.

"Plus," I voice, " that was all Ava's fault, I was just an innocent bystander."

"Okay, well I certainly don't believe that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Peaches, I love you, but… You're… You"

"Me?"

"Sorry, Cuz, but you are a bit impulsive."

"No I'm not!" I deny, munching on my fires as we talk.

They each give me a amused look.

"I know how to control myself!" I quip around a exasperated chuckle.

"You absolutely do not!" Both Riley and Ava exclaim in unison. Riley sounding much more serious than Ava's incredulous laugh at the alternative.

"Shall I remind you of the Car that Lucas is still driving with a very deep 'Texan Whore' scratch living on all four doors?"

"God! No!" Sarah shrieks, covering her mouth in disbelief, "That Story is true?"

"Oh it's true, babe" Ava stresses, " And she went over it again a few times to make sure it didn't fade."

"Even the genital drawings?...Don't look proud!" Sarah reprimands, but there's no heat.

"I can't help it" I confess, feeling my cheeks pink up in happiness.

"But, I so can control myself." I try again.

This time all three women chime in to disagree, "You absolutely cannot!"

"Why do people keep saying that?" I mumble to myself.

"Who else told you that?"

It was an absent minded question. One I'm not sure which girl said. And just as the question itself was asked thoughtlessly, the answer was received just the same.

"Josh said so too." I elaborate,taking another bite of my food.

That's where the easy going nothing conversations come to a screeching halt. Where our lack of rhyme or reason is replaced with a series of questioning and confused thoughts.

Generally, I don't want to talk about it. However, I know Riley's been struggling with not making me talk things out and I know it may actually help to say it all aloud, acquiring the advice and opinion of the three closest women in my life.

So I conceded after slight protest. Spinning the long tail of the past 2 days and that night in Coney Island. Recalling in perfect clarity every word, every emotion, every fear, that has loomed over me in the presence of Josh Matthews since we left for Montauk.

I feel myself fall deeper and deeper into everything that he is. A symbol of something I may never have.

Every word coming out of my mouth echoes inside my mind, while the girls just listen.

As I tell my story I see the gaps. I can vividly perceive the absence of his touch. I can feel in those moments the distance between us. Right now and even then, on that sandy beach just breaths apart were able to translate into miles in seconds.

My toes curl when the longing then creeps up on me. A sudden desire to enter the memories themselves. To be within them, alter them where I am a Maya who's never been hurt by him. A Maya who loves and is loved by him. The Maya I leave behind each time I tell him goodbye.

The Maya I always want to be.

I tell them about every thought that plagued my every movement. Reciting my inner monologue like a book burnt into flesh.

I'm not sure how long we were talking and honestly it could have just been a couple minutes, but the sign of all of our eaten meals suggested it was more.

But no one complains so I continue.

I end it all with the argument from this morning. The ragged edges stabbing into my guilt knowing that all I've done is further confuse myself and worst of all,hurt Zay even if it wasn't my intention.

"Damn, Maya…" Sarah trails off after I finish.

"Okay,Well I have a few comments."

I chuckle shaking my head, "Of course you would, Ava."

"Firstly, screw you for lying about not knowing fandom lingo. I cannot stress that enough. Secondly, I still ship you with Zay. He was worried about you, that's why he was angry. That's a guy who loves you."

It was too late to conceal my flinch. Though she didn't say it outright, I could still sense what she meant.

That Zay loves me, but Josh doesn't.

I don't say anything for a minute, allowing Sarah to pipe in, "Well I can't wait to meet him. Either of them."

"Thanks Cuz" I smile meekly.

Riley places a silent hand to my shoulder, "What are you thinking, M"

Shutting my eyes I take a deep breath, "I don't want to live without, Zay. But,… I can't without Josh." I fight the tears ruthlessly blinking hard and fast against the water. "I've done it before. But if these last few days with him have told me anything. Its that I just don't think I could do it again."

"Maya-"

"I will, if I have to" I assure, "If all these things. The attention and the sweet nothings or that freaking college he made-I told you guys how beautiful it was right? Earth shatteringly so, but... If it all turns out to be some ploy or bored curious interest." I sigh, knowing my next words will hurt us all. "I'm never coming back."

I hadn't expect it to be Ava to say what she did, "He seems sincere, M"

Ava hadn't kept her disapproval for my affections towards the youngest Matthews brother a secret.

Chipping in her two sense in every lull in my story.

"Listen," she pauses, speaking softer than I've ever heard her, "My dad was always here and there when it came to my mom. Keeping her close enough so he could have her whenever he wanted, but hurt enough she never thought she could have anyone else. So, when my step dad came along and made her just so happy, I couldn't blame her for wanting to be with him at all times even if that meant me being alone, so she could go off to his business trips. I'm not saying that Josh or Zay are either of my dads. Just that sometimes I project and if i'm completely honest, from what you've told us it sound like he is trying to prove it to you. So don't listen to my personal biases. What is your heart telling you?"

I didn't even want to think of my heart. It's traitorous instinct to just forget it all and fling myself into Josh's arms, shines brighter than all of my doubts, but so did the reminder that it's because I listened to my heart so many years ago I find myself in my current predicament.

I'm left gaping before Sarah interrupts my lack of response.

The smile she held was betrayed by the distraught shine of un\\-shed tears in her eyes, "I have only ever heard of one man talk that way 'bout someone and willin' to risk their own beliefs to be with them..."

"Sarah," I defend discerning the seriousness of what she meant.

"It's true though, Maya." She continues with a watery grin. " You can't say you don't see it. Can't feel the affinity between the two… You know the end of this story, cuz."

Her voice is sweet and patient. So much like aunt Jazz it makes my back bone quiver with sheer absence.

Riley and Ava quietly looked at us with intense interest, creases on both their foreheads telling me they were trying to piece together our conversation. Neither willing to interrupt.

"Um, I've gotta use the bathroom. C'mon Ophelia."

"No-but I wanna he-"

Riley rolled her eyes and took hold of the teens forearm. Dragging the grumbling blonde away to the toilets.

Sarah asserts forward unblinking, determined to make me see "And there is only one other woman I know of, who acted so on Instinct and against herself, she could never tell which side was up. Doing what she wanted despite what her head was tellin' her b'cause her heart spoke louder." The twenty year old pauses, keeping it light the entire time before she reveals what I already knew she meant, " Those two people were my parents. And nothin' was going to stop them from bein' together, Maya. Even themselves- even when they didn't want to be." Shimmering eyes drawn back to me, "You know that better than anyone, so why are you makin' yourself suffer?"

"Sarah, It's not the same." I urge gently, ignoring both her scoff and cocky smirk.

"Only difference I see, is mom and dad were never nearly as stubborn as you."

I take the jest for what it is. A clarification that this isn't some heavy conversation, but something she feels I must acknowledge.

Chuckling softly I let her know I understand,

repeating, "It's not the same story, Sarah"

"How? Where are the differences?"

"C'mon. Y-your dad never…- And, and your mom, She-she never…"

"The similarities are striking aren't they? Just face it. It's not as complicated as you think it is! I know you, and you are wickedly and unequivocally mistaken right now."

The pressure was blinding. The truth of it all hypnotizing as I permitted myself to even imagine for the smallest of seconds that maybe, just maybe she's right. Though the details of both stories are skew and not identical by any means, they can hold twin endings.

But, in my Maya-avoiding-her-feelings fashion; I strengthened my back and let the hope simmer behind me. To properly process later, when I'm alone and can dissect the idea more than it probably should be.

Because this isn't a place to cry. This wasn't in the audience to have such a revelation in front of.

I could see Riley and Ava making their ways back us from the corner of my eye. The nerves in my body begging me not to think too much. Not to let myself fall into that beautiful pool of illusions that can drown me in images of his inhumanly beautiful face.

These are my friends and they were doing their best to keep me sane and I was going to do my best to help them.

So I placed a mask on my face that was oh so familiar and cracked a joke.

"Bitch please, don't talk to me about mistakes. Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom Factory."

"Ha. Ha. Ha."

"I love you Sarah, but that shit was funny!"

Ava laughs outright, extending out her hand to high five me.

"Let's change the subject, shall we?" Riley helpfully suggests, around a smile.

Smiling, we all agree, "Sure, But can I borrow your phone real quick, Big Cuz, mines' about to die."

Relieved by the change in subject quickly agree, handing Sarah my phone and directing my attention to poke fun and Riley and Ava. "Sure no problem." I dismiss.

"I've got a good conversation piece! How about how irrational, and if I may add, mean! You and Maya are when drunk. If Riley's behavior is anything to go by I feel bad for Josh." Ava volunteers. Clearly still a little bothered from Riley's microphone joke from the other day.

"Ava I apologized to like a thousand times already."

"Plus everyone's say stupid things when they're drunk or hungover." I add, smiling smugly. Only slightly trying to justify my own actions.

The blonde crosses her arm pouting, "Yeah, well not to brag or anything but I don't even need alcohol to make bad decisions… Wait that's not-"

I snort beside Riley, throwing my head back at her comment, "You're such a dork!"

Riley and I are practically wheezing with laughter before Ava also joins in.

Eventually, after catching my breath I look up to see Sarah tapping excessively at my phone screen.

"What are doing?" I ask not very interested.

"Nothing"

That piqued my interest. Her tone was a bit more defensive than I found comforting.

"Sarah…"

"Yes?" She controls her voice,but I can feel the suspicion when she turns the phone from my view.

"Are you...texting?"

She wouldn't... would she?

"Yes?"

"Who!?" I move to stand, moving to snatch back the phone, but she's already up and running from the table (Thank God we were seated outside).

"Oh my God, no! Sarah!"

And for the second time today I was part of a chase with my little cousin.

We make it half way down the block before I saw my phone pulled up to Sarah's ear.

"Sarah, you little shit! Get back here." I shout weaving through people in the crowd as she circles back towards the resuranut.

"Hiya, Josh."

Oh my- please God tell me she didn't.

"My names Sarah- Oh, you have? All bad things I hope, Yes well."

"Sarah, don't do that bit and hang. Up. The. Phone!" I'm shrieking, but the sly devil is just too fast.

"Oh, pay no mind to that. Anyway, so you're in love with my cousin, huh?"

I think my heart stopped beating. "Sarah Ann Carpenter-Hart!"

"That's no-one." she dismisses panting, " So Maya is free tomorrow- huh, what about tonight? Perfect! She was planning on going to see Antman and I wouldn't want her to go alone. Great, she'll love that. Yup, you got it. Hope to meet you soon Josh, bye-bye"

My feet are beating against the concrete frantically, throbbing against the pressure. I've never hated being in heels so much in my life.

When I finally meet up with her, she is back beside our table. Chest rising and falling violently. My cell phone abandoned on the table as she leaned against a chair casually.

"Hey, Cuz. Where'd you go?"

"I cannot... believe... you just... did that!" My hands are on my knees as I try to catch my breath, raising my head best I can to glare at the younger girl.

She doesn't even look ashamed!

"Well believe it, baby! You're going out tonight and the four of us are going shopping to get you something to wear."

I straighten up not knowing whether to strangle her or cry. Riley tries again to hide her amusement, choosing to pay the bill rather than take Ava's approach of munching on nonexistent popcorn as if we were a film.

"Why would you call him?" I shout. Flicking my now mushed hair out of my face. An unpleasant cocktail of anxiety, annoyance and… excitement? stirring in my belly.

"Because." Sarah challenges, "You need a swift kick to the ovaries, Hart. Take the fuckin' plunge, release that fightin' smile and let's get you your man."

Sarah holds a smug grin as she moves to grab her wallet to give Riley her cut of lunch. The other two woman also looking pleased at themselves as they avoid my gaze.

As if in daze, I'm walking beside them again then hoping into a cab.

Three sets of eyes are boring onto the side of my face, breaking my resolve. "Stop smiling!" I snap, feeling the corners of my mouth twitch up.

All that does is cause Riley to crack up for no apparent reason. In and of itself contagious by nature.

"Why are you laughing?" I mange between laughs.

"Be-because! Sh-she'll probably marry into my family" she tells me pointing at Ava before moving to Sarah "But she's already part of yours!"

"I swear, I don't get enough credit for dealing with you three unmedicated"

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Guys." I whine insistently. Stomping my foot against the linoleum in obvious frustration. The small act of of irritated rebellion ignored by the three women currently subjecting me to something Riley dubed 'Maya-Barbie.

"Shh!" Sarah urges, pressing a thin finger to her lips before turning back to Riley and Ava.

Traitor

"I like the red."

"Yeah, but a dress like that could be too much. All things considered"

"Hmm. Okay, what about the short one."

"Oh! She looked really good in that one."

"Mhm"

The trio hummed in unison, turning their attention back to me, or more like to what they last shoves onto my body.

"Huh…"

I swear I heard some of my veins popping under my pressured irritation.

"Oh. My. God." I hiss impatiently, "It's clothing, people. Not the meaning of life! Please pick one so we can gooooo!" returning to the dressing room.

I march away from the encompassing full length mirrors to the small stall flooded with hangers and rivers of fabric.

The low tenor of conversation shifts into a shallow static in the background. A semblance that should have held the power to put me at ease- especially after the nearly infinite afternoon of shopping, threatening my already limited level of sanity. However the moment the silence, so contrasted from the previous hours of rambunctious teasing and laughs took me off guard.

Suddenly, I was alone with my thoughts.

Suddenly, without warning the reality that I was king on another date (or not-date, since it wasn't initiated by either of us) with Josh.

I realized I had sink to the ground, clutching my chest around scanty cloth and skipping heartbeats, around the same time I noticed the shining smile nearly splitting my face in two.

"Maya."

Riley's voice is sharp compared to the crashing tranquility that kept me hostage with my confused joy.

A sentiment so familiar it felt like going back in time.

"Yes?" I croak surprised. Clearing my throat in embarrassment.

"Try this one again."

I couldn't stop the groan that ripped the joy right from my lips.

Stretching my neck, I look towards the ceiling exasperated, "You three are insufferable!"

"Thank you! Now try it on." One of them offers, chucking among themselves.

Scrambling to my feet, I bunch the series of jeans, blouses and dresses into my arms hanging them onto their respective hangers, beat I could.

Clutching my original outfit, in still shaking hands, I dress myself in a frenzy. The impending three hours before my dat-not date- whatever! With Josh loomed over my head like a restive reaper.

Despite the fact I wish he didn't matter, or how much I wanted not to care and just cancel right then, I wanted to rush to the store clerk and purchase what the girls would think he'd like the most more. To scurry home and do something to this mess of hair and go off to spend another night with the man who has always been my greatest weakness.

All of which:abundantly clear was absurd and dangerous, but still undeniable with my burning need to do them.

Opening up the swinging door I give the girls a meaningful look. Met with identical smirks, Ava's being the largest. The petite teen, still wearing that attention grasping costume, struts up to the sales clerk handing her a sweet flowy sundress and strappy sandals.

"Alright, bitchez. Let's blow this popsicle stand" The blonde cries, linking arms with a giggling Sarah." let's get Princess Drama queen home to get that thing she calls hair under control and to her Prince Better late than never."

"1. Screw you both. 2. I'm a queen. And 3. Yeah. let's go. Thank you." I count off joking, taking the bag holding the clothes she just bought and giving her a one-armed hug before leading the way back to the subway.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

The last thing I expected to see when we returned to Corey' and Topanga's apartment was a distraught Zay. Hunched over the couch cradling his face in his hands.

I take in his abused eyes and slouched posture, face calling in response.

"Maya" He speaks breathlessly. "I am so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking or why I thought yelling at you was the way to go of course it wasn't an-and telling you not to lie to me- I mean I still stand by that but yelling at each other was never our thing either and I went against that-"

My feet are moving before I can fully register what I am doing.

My arms wrap around Zay's middle, clasping my hands together at his back. His own heavy arms circling my shoulders.

"I'm sorry too" I mumble into his shirt. Fighting the tears when he pats my hair affectionately.

"I shouldn't have lied."

"I shouldn't have yelled."

"No you shouldn't have. But I Forgive you, if you forgive me"

He pulls away to give me a blinding smile, trying to distract me from the water present in his eyes "Always with the ultimatums, Curly. But of course. There was nothing to forgive."

"Aww" Ava breaks our moment. Showing Zay that we aren't alone.

Chuckling he releases me, "Hi, Ava."

It's in that moment that time freezes. It's almost like a scene from a movie. I can almost imagine the romantic pop song playing in the background as the scene is captured in slow motion.

Zay's eyes bounce from each girl by the door, waving a hand in greeting as Riley and Ava move further into the living his brown meets Sarah's blue, at the very end by the entrance.

I believe I mentioned it before, how Sarah may be an unruly firecracker once you get to know her. But initially she's never seen that way- and this is why I believe it's a true gift when she gets out of her shell, as well as a spectacular surprise - because gone is that brazen, phone stealing, plan hatching badass from the day. Replaced with a blushing, sweet, just barely out of her teens girl. Currently refusing to meet the eyes of my best male friend and failing miserably.

I feel a bucket of cold water hit me. The immeasurable devious joy that courses through me becoming unhinged the second I realize that he can't take his eyes off of her either.

"Zay," I start smirking, "This is my baby cousin."

I take a step back, staring as they gravitate to one another. Zay's eyes still wide and Sarah's cartoon orbs finally meeting them with full force intensity.

"You must be Zay." The brunette points out timidly, shaking the boys hand gently. Fingers lingering longer than they probably should for virtual strangers.

"Yes. And, you must be, Beautiful- Sarah! Must be Sarah. I mean, you must be Sarah. Not that you're not beautiful. You're freaking stunning. Not that that's a come on or anything just that-"

"Zay," She snorts, interrupting him (Still not letting go of each other hands by the way), "You can stop talking now."

The tips of Zays ears turn bright pink, as he releases a shaky break, "Thank you."

Biting her lip, the sides of her eyes crinkle with her signature sunshine smile.

I must have squealed because Ava heard the famous fangirl battlecry of possible OTP candidates.

It took a single look for Ava to drop whatever was in her hands, grappling for my shoulder, squeezing tightly in her excitement.

"Oh my, God. Oh my,God. Oh my, God! I ship it so hard."

Well it didn't take much to deter my ship, huh?

"What are you guys talking about?"

Zay and Sarah have yet to stop staring into each other's eyes. Looking like a straight up fanfiction chapter come to life.

Riley stays oblivious, missing this clear display of interest. Choosing to marvel at my and Ava's attention, instead.

"How is she not seeing this?"

"I've got this." I promise. Grasping Riley's cheeks with one hand- much like from when were younger- and moving her face to the two objects of our scrutiny.

Shifting her face to their body language until, "Ooooh!"

"Uhuh." I prod, releasing her jaw.

"C'mon lovergurl, we have to get Maya ready."

The smaller blonde's shrill voice seems to shatter their trance. An adorable fluster possessing them both.

"Oh, yeah...Well I should probably help M-Maya get ready now."

There's a pause where nothing is said. Zay probably too distracted to really register what was said.

"Oh! Oh, yeah of course. Yeah, hehe sorry…"

"Um...Zay?"

"Yeah, Sarah?"

"I kinda need my hand back"

He drops her hand like it has the bubonic plague. A horrified expression transforming his features.

"I'm so sorry!"

"No need to be. You're pretty cute."

She walks off into what she is clearly assuming (correctly) is my room. Swinging her hips delicately to gain the older mans regard. Shyness forgotten, so a smooth Sarah can assume its place, while she sauntered off.

Ava pats Zays back sharply, pulling him from wherever his thoughts had taken him.

"Good luck man. You're gonna need it; she's worse than me."

Shrugging I follow the girls to my room, thankful Zay was too distracted to ask me why I was getting ready or for what?

Upon entering the room I could already see the course our topics had tilted to entertain.

That is if a laughing Riley and heavily blushing Sarah was anything to go by.

"Okay okay. Y'all had your fun. Can we all focus on getting Maya ready, please?"

Sharing a look, we decide to spare her… For the most part,anyway.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

I wish I could say my nerves were under control, but it would be blatant lie.

Sarah left almost fifteen minutes ago after trading polite pleasantries with Josh. Maybe smiling a little too deviously when she left, but I honestly shouldn't expect anything less.

Ugh, Josh. The cause of all of this. The person to push all the blame on.

Him and his stupid beautiful smile and towering height. That velvet voice of temptation just digging up long buried desires- okay. Stopping now!

I can feel my heart beats at my fingertips. The loose curls framing my face somehow constricting. This feels too much like a date.

Is this a date?

No it can't possibly be a date. Not with how casual this is.

Not that you're dressed casually.

Ah, yes. Mental reminder to never let those fashion monsters play Maya Barbie with me ever again.

Though-as fucking Always- josh looked good enough to devour. My baby blue sundress and shiny sandals overpowering Josh's(much smarter) choice of clothes. Dark, well worn jeans, a red Henley and a thin dark blue army jacket- that I am in desperate need of-slung precariously over his shoulders.

Shivers jerk my body to and from itself as I internally curse Ava for convincing me not to bring a sweater. Her argument of: 'It'll ruin the aesthetic of the outfit', meaning very little beside the persistent air conditioner wailing its presence through the theater.

Damn, it's cold!

Snickering internally, I recollect Sarah's kind words of wisdom. Josh's tree trunks stance seen from over a block away, slapping what must be our tickets against his palm in what looks like nerves.

Is he nervous about me? ..If only he knew just how nervous he still makes me.

"That's him" I whisper irrationally. He's more than far enough not to hear me.

"Where?" The younger girl asks.

Pointing subtly I lead her eyes to his pacing form.

"Sweet Jesus!"

"What!?"

"What the hell is in the water out here? Are all the men just breath takin'?" I roll my eyes, glad I have her here to keep my anxiety at bay.

Sarah continues, just as astounded as before, "One thing's for sure you won't need a sweater sitting next to that hot piece of ass."

"Sarah!"

"Oh bite me it's not like you don't have eyes, otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation, would you?."

I snapped out of my thoughts by Josh's towering shadow. Both his hands occupied with popcorn and our drinks.

I shoot up out of my seat to help him carry it all.

"Oh, let me help you."

"No, I've got it."

"No, no, please. I can-" I insist, placing a hand on his wrist.

Sucking in a startled breath at the stream of tingles rushing where our skin touched, I drop my hand slowly-not wanting to let go- shifting to really look at him.

"-help…" I finish breathlessly.

Much too belatedly for my poor racing heart to endure, I realize I haven't really looked into his eyes since we met up at the front entrance (Even then, it wasn't long enough to indulge in its beauty.)

Hypnotic swirls of blue, green, and brown dance seductively within those dangerous hazel eyes...So dangerous.

Blinking twice, I swallow thickly, letting the older man take his spot beside me before passing me my drink.

"Thank you."

Smiling in response, we sit silently, waiting for the previews to begin.

My only thought, playing on repeat like an insult.

Don't shiver. Don't shiver.

Though it sounded more like, Don't be weak. Don't be weak… Prove him wrong…

Josh sighs loudly, breaking the silence that draped over us.

I snap my head to the man in question, both eyebrows raised in concern.

The burnett's eyes are shut tightly. Hands wrung tightly together on his lap, "We could just, um-go. I-if you want?"

"..What?".

"I can tell you don't wanna be here, M. Your all rigid and stiff. It's alr-"

"I'm not rigid!" I contest. A dreadful fear of this ending before it properly began too strong to hold back.

"It's okay, Maya. I obviously know this was Sarah's ide-"

I'm shaking my head so fast I think my brain moved, words failing me before Josh motion to stand.

"I'm cold" I confess.

Several eyes turning to us. I try not to blush.

"...Oh?"

"I just didn't want to look cold. I-I wanna stay. I promise."

Chuckling richly, he smiles relieved. I look down.

"Why didn't you just-" Trailing off, I figure he understands my hesitancy.

I'm jolted to reality when a warm jacket is draped over my bare thighs.

His lavishly callused fingers scorches my skin in the most delicious burn.

Josh brings my face to level with his.

He's smiling but, it looks sad.

I'm surprised by how much that bothered me.

"Want some nerds?"

"I only eat the-"

"Purple ones." He interjects, shaking a box of neon purple, diabetes inducing sugar atoms.

"I remember."

I smirk, stifling the increased sense of pride. He remembers…

Nodding, I accept the candy and the change in subject alike.

"Should I be flattered?"

"No more than usual." He replies.

The low rumble of his voice puts my nerves at ease and more comfortable Than should be considering how dreadfully overdressed.

"Am I overdressed?"

"Impossible! Speaking of which, didn't you spend the day with Ava? I heard she perfected the definition of overdressed today."

"You heard about that." I insinuate feeling my shoulders relax, just slightly.

"Auggie texted me a picture when he got home."

Rolling my eyes, I shake my head recalling the day, "You'll never believe what happened when Ava and Sarah met. Oh my God!"

Easing ourselves into lively conversation, we discuss everything under the sun. Laughing easily-so easily I forget it shouldn't be like this.

"Pick up your hair." He mumbles out of the blue.

"I know you've got a hair-tie somewhere." Implying (Correctly) I don't leave the house without one.

"Why?" I ask trying not to be anymore self conscious.

"Because you're breathtaking regardless, and I can tell that you're uncomfortable. But don't worry, " Josh adds softly. Body fully turned to. "I can only tell because i'm looking"

"It won't go with the dress." I argue.

"So?"

"No, It's fine-Josh!"

Grinning absurdly big, he grabs the tie at my wrist and swivels me, so my back is to his front.

Swooping my longish hair into his hands he pulls my golden locks into a practical ponytail.

"There." The brunette declares, satisfied.

Twisting me back around before running a gentle thumb over my pale cheek reflecting my toothy smile.

"There you are, Gorgeous."

My knees transform into jello and I'm thankful we're sitting because I would have surely fallen over.

I open my mouth to reply, not entirely sure how I was planning to respond, just as the lights dim and the screen comes to life.

Josh's proud smile when he directs his attention to the silver screen,doing nothing to help my already racing heart.

I'm so screwed.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"Overall, Amazing movie, but that ending!? As if Infinity War didn't do a sufficient enough job of ripping my heart out; the MCU decides let's emotionally violate the fandom further with that."

Flailing my arms exasperated, I am caught in a cinematic paradox of thoroughly bothered and passively satisfied.

Josh snickers beside me, piping in with his own theories and complaints just as enthusiastically.

At some point during our rant-full stroll through Washington park, his arm found its way around my shoulder. Unwittingly running his fingers over my (his) jacket covered arm.

"Do you have any nerds left?" I ask craning my neck up to look at him trying not to pay much attention to the intimacy sizzling within the moment.

"Oh, that reminds me!"

Josh stands closer shoving a hand into the inside pocket of his jacket still wrapped around me.

"Oh" I gasp unsure of what to do.

Grazing my sides with innocent bashfulness, Josh then pulls out a small box from the jackets pocket.

It's petite in size. Wrapped in intricate gold and silver patterned paper. An enormous sheer bow poorly executed and stapled forcibly to the cardboard.

Mouth agape I stare as Josh opens up the package to reveal a pink jelly bean, yellow peep, and a chocolate buttercup.

Furrowing my eyebrows in confusion, I accept the box from his hands, "O-okay, so what is this for?" I say strongly, though even I can hear the grinning in my voice. His own oozing joy as he watches my reactions.

"A piece of Easter candy for every year you've been away."

"Josh-"

"I made sure to get you your favorites. At least I hope it's still your favorite. These were the only ones you always took from my basket when we were kids, so..." Josh explained humbly.

"B-but how do you remember which?"

"I told you, Wendy Darling... I remember everything about you"

The seriousness whips between us before that dangerous part of me comes out to play.

"Not everything. Not more than I know about you."

"Oh? You wanna bet?"

"Please! I seem to remember a very familiar scenario where similar words were said right before somebody lost"

"I got to spend two days alone with you didn't I?" The man counters stepping so close to me I could feel the heat from his skin taunting me.

"Sounds like a win to me, Gorgeous."

"Let's see then, shall we?"

"Okay." Josh agrees, smiling. One hand casually tucked into his pocket while the other rose to caress my cheek.

"What are the terms?"

Paralyzed, I forget how to speak, still not used to him touching me, not only willingly but enthusiastically.

Aghast at how anything at all had the ability to lead us down a path of such intensity I'm reminded of how I had fallen in love with Josh's touch, never having felt his hands.

Utterly captivated by the magnified sensation of feeling touched in the literal sense.

Choosing to stare into my man's eyes, soaking in that sensation. Knowing it wouldn't last.

We stay there for a couple minutes,drinking the other in while the pad of his thumb runs across the apple of my skin.

I could have stayed that way forever.

Marveling at the masterpiece that is Josh Matthews. I wanted to plop down to the ground with some charcoal or chalk and immortalize him on the concrete.

But all good things must come to an end.

Josh steps even closer, leaning down his forehead so it's only wisps of air away from mine.

Heart thudding against my ribs, I lift my hand to his wrist,softly stopping him in place.

Josh takes two large steps back his eyes widening comically. I repress the urge to pull him back in.

"I'm I-I should, umm" He looks devastated...Afraid.

I hate it.

Interrupting him I decide it's best to skip out on this part.

Suggesting playfully, " If I win you do whatever I say."

Blinking a few times he's sighs before huffing a laugh of relief.

"As long as I get the same."

"Deal."

I don't have time to regret the word before its left my mouth and register with Josh's challenge.

Immediately i'm tormented by a slew of thoughts.

What if he wins? What if he asks to kiss me? What if I let him?

"So what are the rules?"

Calm down, Maya. I renounce to myself, shaking my head, There's no way he knows more about you, then you do him.

"Three questions each. First one to get a question wrong loses.

"All right." He confirms, too confident for my comfort.

"I'll go first, and no easy questions ,Wendy Darling."

Rolling my eyes I walk towards the big pedestal fountain at the center of the mostly vacant park.

Sitting on the chilly marble, I peer up at the beautiful man.

"First question." Josh murmurs. Sitting beside me the moonlight hitting him perfectly.

"What is my favorite Marvel superhero?"

"I thought you said hard."

"Just answer the question,Maya."

"It's a trick question, Boing. Your favorite Marvel characters are all anti-heroes not superheroes. Answer? Drum roll please?" I quip, smiling.

Josh startles me by jumping up and crouching to the floor resting his weight on his knees. He slaps his hands against the misty marble to imitate a beat over my laughs.

"Deadpool." I venture.

Seizing the slabs, the brunette looks up at me, resting his arm down where it brushes against my leg.

"Ding,ding,ding,ding! Correct!"

"Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now it's my turn... Hmm question number one" I pause, tapping my lip in false contemplation.

"When did I stop believing in Santa?"

" Pff. Too easy. ten."

"Ha! Nope. I was nine. I win," Singing triumphantly, I unconsciously move closer to him.

"Maya,you were ten." Josh argues.

"How are you telling me?"

"Because," he urges, "I remember after that little brat in your homeroom in fourth grade told you Santa Claus was everyone's parents, you had come to Cory's house furious, with your arms crossed and your pretty cheeks flushed bright pink. Just emanating detrimental rage.I mean, no child should look so scary!

You kept saying you were lied to,but you didn't want to ruin it for Riley so you whispered it in everyone's ear before bed, remember?"

Slowly the memory comes back to me.

The older man continues. Fully sheathed into the memory.

"Everyone was trying to cheer you up and convince you that the brat was the one lying and in true Maya Hart fashion- you have down to a perfect art- you wouldn't listen. Then-"

"Then that night you made your mom write on candy cane scented paper something about Amber- the brat- just trying to get more kids in the naughty list." I recall, gawking at him in dazed wonderment.

"You snuck into the guest bedroom that night, to leave me a secret gift just between me and Santa."

Nodding, Josh stands before reclaiming his seat beside me. Pulling his jacket tighter around my shoulders when he sees me shiver. I wish I had the courage to tell him it had nothing to do with the cold.

"You are so happy the next morning. But then the next year you caught me leaving another note and present at the foot of the bed."

"I can't believe I forgot that."

"I can't believe you think candy cane scented paper is a thing!"Josh cries amused.

"W-what do you mean?"

"I rubbed a candy cane on that paper for like an hour to get it to smell like that."

My features loosen significantly. While I try to speculate how any of this makes sense.

How can this man before me possibly be the same man who tossed me away? Disregarded me as a unwanted conquest of disinterest. Yet somehow all the while he was committing non-consequential trivia to memory for for someone he considered disposable.

It didn't make sense.

His words, his actions past and present made no sense. Nothing made any sense!...Except maybe the way he was looking at me… And the way those looks made feel.

My voice is light, the rare quietness of the city much too precious to jeopardize.

"Why?"

Josh then bites his lip sharply and doesn't move.

"Question number 2", He begins, ignoring my previous comment "Burger King or McDonald's"

"Ha!"

"This is a serious question, Miss Hart. Gospel even!"

"Okay, okay, okay. I apologize Mr. Matthews. How will I ever redeem myself in those beautiful colorful eyes."

"...Are you blushing?" I exclaim.

"No."

"Oh my God! Did I make the Joshua-Stop- flirting-with-me-Maya-Matthews blush!?"

Is he blushing harder?

" . Not."

"Is it because I said you have beautiful, colorful eyes?" I taunt in a sweet voice.

"No!"

"Aww you're so cute!"

" I'm not- Y'know what? Fine. I'm blushing! Happy?"

"Aww" I gush, standing to be in front of him stating amused, "You blush."

"So do you!" Josh defends.

"Nope!" I gloat, pulling the hair tie from my head and letting my hair fall just to flick it over my shoulder dramatically, "I guess I just have more willpow- Ahhh!-Josh!"

Defined tan arms loop around my waist pulling me between mile long legs.

"What are you doing?" I gasp.

Smirking smugly, Josh doesn't say a word.

He moves his big warm hands to the side of my naked thigh,hiking it up to be on the marble beside where he's sat, then again with the other so I am straddling the older man.

By now I'm panting obscenely.

"What-do- you-think you're-doing" I say between breaths. Fighting every molecule living within me, demanding that I press my body fully against his own.

"Is the mighty Maya blushing?" The brunette mocks, gripping my thighs gently but with an unbreakable hold.

He quirkes an eyebrow and I wonder to myself; Is he challenging me?

My competitive Tendencies dance in the back of my mind, daring to win this too.

Don't risk it, another voice says. Though it's not as loud.

"No. I'm just peachy" I whisper coyly challenging him back, "But I am in a dress. So it's probably best to just…"

I marvel at his surprised expression. Josh clearly not expecting me to play along.

My thoughts become gleeful and light-hearted as I establish my victory, but then his smirk returns.

Oh shit!

"I could fix that, beautiful."

Tugging the edge of my dress down and sitting me onto his thighs, the youngest matthews brother clasps his hands together at the edge of my ass.

"See?" Josh persist. Giving me a look that says whoever blushes first loses.

Nodding, I control my nerves best I can.

Allowing myself to fall into a place I long ago abandoned as a fantasy, my heart flutters before draping my arms around his neck, possessively and pursing my lips seductively.

"Trick question again. Fries from Mickey D's. Nuggets from Burger King and burgers from Wendy's. Now my question two; Can I Whistle?" I prompt before he can do more than smile impressed.

Throwing his head back, Josh laughs loudly. The movement causing his hair to run through the tips of a finger or two. That gives me an idea…

"Absolutely no-uggnnn"

Josh groans, sending a tremor through my body. That seems to make it worse, that sexy moan rubbles loudly. His grip tightening. The small space between our chests shortening just a bit when his head drops down to my shoulder. The hands still at my waist abandoning each other to grasp my hips.

Stopping another shiver that threatens to leave me, I whimper against the older man. I continue to drag my nails up and down the nape of his neck my other hand dragging one finger from that strong jaw line to his collarbone so lightly I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't feel it at all.

"What was that?" I flirt. Not knowing how the hell I'm pulling this off.

There's a low rumble stirring in Josh's chest before he fully growls, raising his head and meeting my eyes with a fire that could rival my own.

It was strangely arousing.

Josh roughly yanks me to be fully in his lap. Our chests firmly pressed together, not an inch of space left in its wake.

"I wasn't done...Gorgeous."

It sounds like a promise somehow,but I couldn't be sure.

So I asked.

"Is that a promise, baby?"

It was like I was possessed by some sex goddess out for flesh and Josh. Controlling my smirks and limbs pushing me closer and closer to him.

Subconsciously I was aware of how non-platonic the scenario may appear but as I've mentioned before Josh Matthews is my single greatest weakness and there wasn't a single thing I could or-in that moment anyway- wanted to do about it.

Breathing in his arms, I feel my arsenal of defenses crumble and burst into flames against his heat and though deep down I know that I should pull away because he'll never stay-this feeling can never remain. There's another part-stronger than any other- that was desperate to see how hot we could burn.

The world vanishes behind us. Sounds ceasing to matter past the steady beats of our hearts.

"With you?" His breath fans over my cheeks. I can almost taste him.

"Always, Maya."

" Just answer the question, Matthews."

Sucking his teeth, Josh sighs composing himself before answering, "You cannot whistle, my gorgeous Wendy Darling. And the only reason you care is because you wish you could do the Hunger Games Mockingjay sound."

I try to hide my awe. I honestly didn't know he paid so much attention.

"Your turn."

Holding me tighter he gazes into my eyes, I can't hear my own from his lips.

"Have I ever been in love, Maya?"

"No."

I don't need to think or debate it. Josh doesn't want to love anyone. He said it- albeit years ago- himself. The distinct crack left in my sixteen-year-old heart still echoes through my ears nestled between his words.

It had been after a particularly difficult break up for him. Angry and agitated Josh's fresh rejection stinging palpably. The beanie wearing college vented idly with his older brother at the kitchen table.

Riley and I sat in pseudo disinterest. Pretending to be watching TV

"Love is ridiculous. It's unfair. Josh had groaned.

My attention fully devoted to the two men in the other room despite what our bodies suggested.

"Don't give up, kid. Love is just around the corner." Cory supplies helpfully.

"...Closer than you think, actually.",The source of all of affections scoffed disbelieving (or maybe disgruntled...disappointed?)

I never knew why I abandoned my composed facade, deciding instead to turn and catch just a glimpse of his side.

I had been surprised to meet his eyes from across the couch.

"Love is unattainable... For me" He finished, never tearing them away.

"I've never been in love?"

Shifting in his lap I focus on making him blush rather than indulging the memories threatening my placidity.

"Well according to nineteen year old Josh, love is quote unquote 'unattainable for you'."

Josh's expression is unreadable clearly recognizing the memory. His grip tightening, as if he expected me to disappear.

Carding my fingers through his cotton soft hair again, much more soothingly than before for no other reason than that I wanted to comfort him.

Purring contentedly, Josh honey eyes never waver from my own.

"You're wrong."

"Excuse me?"

"You're wrong."

"What do you mean, I'm wrong? You said-"

"I lied." Josh interrupts. Brushing stray strands of hair for my collarbone.

Breathing heavily, those two words send me over the edge. I feel the heat begin at the edge of my neck as it rises to the tips of my ears.

Grinning triumphantly, Josh stands up looping an arm under my legs.

I wrap my legs at his waist with a startled yelp as he bounces us up and down.

"Josh!" I giggle embarrassed, trying to cover my face self-consciously.

"Holy shit! I made the ever so stoic, badass and perfectly composed Maya Hart blush!"

"No. It- it's the cold!"

"It's summer, Mouthy Maya." Josh mocks.

Pulling back I shove him playfully, "Don't call me that!"

I must've pushed harder than I meant to, because before I can fully register what I've done, we're falling backwards into the pedestal fountain.

"Oh my God, Maya" Josh starts, about to apologize.

I'm poncing on him before he even manages to think of something to say. "That's what you get for calling me Mouthy Maya". Shutting him up, I laugh. Splashing water and trying to stand clumsily.

Josh graces me with a lopsided smile, extending his hands out to pick me up again.

"Please, no. I'm sorry." I shriek.

Josh and I splash and tease one another for longer than we probably should've. Playing like children when the sirens appeared.

"Okay, Casanova's. Out of the fountain." A deep voice screams into a megaphone.

Soaking wet and deeply startled, Josh hops out of the shallow liquid before lifting me by my waist then back to the ground.

"Thank you." I mumble. Walking forward to the tall, clean cut police officer, Josh's hand linked with mine reassuringly.

"There was a disturbance call made in regards to your public indecency." He recites tolerantly.

"Listen officer, I can explain," I pursue taking another step towards him.

Launching into a heavy winded spiel of I genuinely don't know what the fuck, the three of at the end up heaving with laughter.

"Then, this jack-ass here thinks it's smart to pick me up and call me Mouthy. The audacity right?"

"Maya, you pushed us into a fucking fountain! How am I the jackass?"

"Don't take it personal, Boing. I'm not insulting you, I'm just describing you." I sneer jokingly.

"Wait. Did you say Maya. As in Mayor Maya?" The cop announces suddenly.

"You know Navey Davey?" I question happily. The only other person who calls me that.

The excitement shimmering in the man's eyes at the mention of Dave revealing what he was going to say before he even did.

"I'm Tommy!"

"Oh my God!" I shout, pulling him into a hug. "I'm all wet. I hope you don't mind, but I'm so glad to finally meet you."

"Of course I don't mind! I've heard so much about you."

"Let me see, let me see." I demand, stepping back and grabbing his left hand.

"It's so awesome! It fits you so well. Dave did good, boo."

"Why, thank you" Tommy says boyishly, "And thank you for the gallery, and the music and the food and-"

"Seriously, Tommy, there's no need to thank me. That man loves you and you both deserve to display how much. I'm glad I could help with that."

Scratching the back of his neck, Tommy looks down sheepishly. " I wish there was some way to repay you."

"Weeelll" I sing whimsically. "You could not arrest us."

"Oh, of course not! absolutely. Do you want me to drop you guys off somewhere or something.

"No I think-"

"Actually!" Josh interjects. Speaking for the first time in several minutes.

I turn to face him, still wet hair heavy at my shoulders wiping to splash him a little more. Eyebrows furrowed in silent confusion.

" I won, remember, Gorgeous? You have to do whatever I say now."

Grabbing my hand again, he directs his attention to Tommy.

"Think you can give us an escort to the Brooklyn bridge?"

"No problem. Where's your ride?"

"Wait!" I stop them. "Am I expected to get on your motorcycle, Matthews?" I fume.

"Well, I mean. If you don't want to, maybe you can ride with Tomm-."

"Shh. It's about fucking time! Can I call shotgun on a motorcycle?"

Tommy and Josh both burst into fits of laughter as the officer gets into his car and drives off to meet us in the proper parking lot, where Josh's Motorcycle waited glamorously.

The brunette hands me a helmet, looking just as giddy as I feel.

" Two things, " I begin, " One I was dead serious can I shot gun?"

Josh shakes his head exasperatingly, before snatching the helmet from my hands and placing it on my head and clipping it for me like a child.

" No. Now hop on." He replies.

"Fine. " I consent. Too excited to do much else.

Swinging my leg around the bikes body, then wrapping my arms around his strong waist. Muscular abs prominent beneath my fingers I try to ignore the rush of hormones swimming inside of my body.

"What was the second question?" He yells over the engine after turning it on.

"Oh, yeah. What is it that I have to do. I don't understand."

"You'll see..." Josh smirks. Then turns into traffic behind the fast pace police siren escorting us whatever the hell was the continuation of this night.

I couldn't help, the silent thank I mentally sent to Sarah.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

"You've got to be kidding me, Boing!"

"Nope. Now pose."

Josh's camera strap is wrapped around his neck like it's apart of his body. As if that was the only place in the world that it belonged.

"But, Josh" I whine, "I'm soaking wet still. There's no way I look good enough to photograph."

The older man's shimmering eyes, glisten behind the lights of the bridge. The lavish buildings painting the backdrop to a perfect picture. Nearly as earth shattering as the man standing before me.

"That's impossible. You're beautiful, Maya. And i'm gonna show you that. Now ignore everything else, and pose"

Pouting for a couple of seconds. I permit my gaze to find the captivating lights of New York city and accept the onslaught of flashes shuttering clicks past Josh's favorite camera.

"Beautiful" he breathes every so often. Along with, "Strong...Powerful…"

"Okay, Tommy" He calls out. Signalling the officer to turn on the police lights.

The blues and reds meld into my skin, so that I become a canvas ready for art. I had to admit; it was unlike any thing I had felt before.

Josh's eyes tracked my body, unashamed. Moving towards me time and placing those large calloused hands on parts of me never touched by a man. Never studied so intimately.

Josh lets me move like flowing water, sometimes redirecting my stream but overall just letting me be. Muttering to himself and grinning proudly when he captures me just right.

Throwing my head back in laughter, I finally turn my attention to those hazel eyes I've been trying to avoid.

I can't fathom the level of awe I am met with, lips mouthing words as my smile fades and I tell Josh things with my eyes I wouldn't even know how to formulate with words.

It's not until after dozens of pictures have already been taken and we had long since said our goodbyes to Tommy, with promises of dinner, that I realize all the things Josh had muttered during our impromptu photo shoot had been every single thing he had said I wasn't all those years ago.

We sit silently on the ground, cyclist riding on the bridge alongside joggers and bored teens.

The both of us content to look up at the sky.

A perfect calm settled on the world around us while a perfect storm brews inside my head.

"I thought you were going to ask to kiss me." I confess with no preamble. Staring out onto the water.

Without missing a beat, Josh counters, "Would you have let me?"

"I...I don't know…"

"Did you have fun tonight?"

"Yes" I say, "Like you wouldn't believe."

"I'm glad, Gorgeous. That's all I'll ever want."

We don't say anything for a couple of minutes. But this time the silence isn't comfortable.

Words lodged in my throat, I feel a vice grip me from within, urging me to speak. To share and return to that trusting place Josh used to represent.

"I like to think you mean something to me." I blurt out, thoughtlessly. Sliding closer to Josh so that our thighs are touching.

"I like to think I mean something to you, too." He approves, smiling softly.

I chuckle , resting my head on his shoulder. A dull sting weighing behind my eyes.

"What if I don't know what you mean to me." I add.

Clenching my eyes shut. I fear what my words will bring. However, Josh simply shifts where he's sat, encouraging me to lift my gaze. Long smooth arms are around me, pulling me into a heart stooping hug before placing a lingering kiss to the top of my head.

"At least I mean anything at all, Maya. I never thought I would again."

If he felt the tears slip past my skin to his, he never said a word… and neither did I.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Too soon we are back outside the Matthews apartment building. Both deflecting any thoughts of having to go.

"I'm scared to let you leave." With his lips pursed that way, I imagined each and every way I could make them say my name.

I genuinely don't think he understood just what that did to me.

"What are you afraid of?" I find myself whispering, suddenly afraid of something too.

This safe blissful bubble of carelessness could burst with just a single reality inducing word. Something I wasn't willing to do just yet.

My eyes track the tooth biting into his deep pink flesh, the distinct lub dub of my heart was beating so loudly to my own ears, it made me wonder for a moment if he could hear it too.

Running his tongue over the surface of rose petal lips he released a shivering sigh. Bringing his long strong fingers to my hip, tugging me forward softly. Somewhere deep in the darkness of my mind there was someone in the far back telling me to be careful. To pull away-walk away. However, it was like he trapped me in a trance. A spell that influence bone deep instinct. And apparently my instincts were crying out for Josh's delicate-addictive-touch.

My feet moved forward. Breath hitching when my breast met his chest. The warmth making love to the pool of nerves resting in my belly. What the hell is he doing to me?

"I-I used to be so afraid of someone-anyone- realizing how utterly amazing you are. Of you realizing how much better you could now-right now- I'm so freaking terrified of letting you go up those stairs. More than everything else. Because I know, " His voice takes on a tone I've never heard before. An earthquake of emotion raging behind stormy eyes. I never wanted to look away.

He raises his other hand to tuck a still wet tuft of hair behind my ear. Twisting the damp strands between his fingers before finally moving to caress gentile electrifying circles just below my jaw. "I'd be sending you into the arms of another. And I'm just haunted by the thought of someone else kissing your lips or taking my place… holding your heart."

"Josh-" I began, hearing my voice crack from the vice gripping my chest painfully. I knew in that instance that I had to come clean about Zay. That Josh deserved to know I wasn't with anyone. That I was fully involved in this little experiment we cooked up. This trail run of friendship that could possibly lead to more.

"No, Maya. You don't have to say anything. It's not my place, I know. I promised myself I would show you what you mean to me and i'm not going back on that."

I try again. "Josh", Moving my hand to hold his wrist, but that must have been the wrong move because I saw regret drag his shoulders down.

Josh steps back, stealing all the warm and soft thrum of electricity that had encircled the earth where we stood.

"I'm sorry" He mutters. Eyes cast downwards.

Crystal eyes widening, I rush to correct him, "No! Don't be sorry. That's not why I-"

Josh crouches down to my level placing a searing kiss to the top of my forehead. Another wave of rightness pushing through me.

"Goodnight, Gorgeous"

I feel my throat quickly closing up, a rough raspiness possessing my embrasure unexpectedly.

"Goodnight, Josh"

And then he's gone. The sounds of his motorbike fading into the background of the city madness. A hollowness, I am all too familiar with taking up space in my chest. As if he took my heart with him. As if anyone else could.

It's so easy to trust someone when they're saying all the things you want to hear. But it's so scary when you know that any of it could be a lie.

Though I can't, I want to believe him. Want to let down all my walls and bury myself in the safety of his arms. Every inch of my body bursting into flames as the pure desire threatens to push me toward the man before me. His smiling face staring down at me, more dangerous than any bullet could be. Somewhere along the way I began to trust Josh again. Somehow he slipped past all my defenses and left me utterly unarmed.

He has no clue, but I'm choosing to trust him, even though I can't believe him, at least not yet.

But fuck, if I wasn't going to try…

Josh is annoying and hilarious. He is Perfect but he is man enlists a perfect storm of emotions that somehow both transforms me into a whirlwind of worth and insecurities. A contradiction as it could makes me scream and drives me insane. He is clearly out of his fucking mind! But more than anything… he is everything I need.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !(And everything she's gonna get)!
> 
> Okay so I really really hope you enjoyed this chapter! I hope that whole gravity space universe bit wasn't too nerdy or hard to keep up with. I can be a little geeky, though I try to banish it from my writing at the best of my ability. However, in this case I thought it fit pretty well with Maya's unwilling- or rather, her inability to stay away from Josh. As if there's another entity from another plane entirely,way out of anyone's control(except for mine of course) pushing them together.
> 
> I want to give a special shout out to one of the Guest's in the comments. I can't be entirely sure but I have a hunch that it was the same guest that kept leaving comments asking for updates and making sure I'm not giving up. I want to assure you that really does motivate me to get working. So, thank you! And also i'm not planning on giving up on TLTL, i'm just too invested at this point. Even if it does take me forever to update.
> 
> But, that's all for now. Again, please, please keep it coming with the comments they literally mean the world to me, and what's it gonna cost ya :) just a moment to make this nerdy fanfiction obsessed writers' day, right? Let me know if you like or dislike Sarah. I personally, love her. But I'll tone her down if u guys don't agree. And if anyone has any ideas for Zay and Sarah's ship name, please say in the comments
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and let me know if you guys have any guesses or any ideas for what's coming up or what you would like to read!
> 
> Love you, lovelies!
> 
> See you next chapter!
> 
> ~Geni


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